Sorry, Not Sorry
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
A couple days ago a young girl was in my home and I heard her on more than one occasion subjugate her own needs and desires to make another person happy.
On the surface that appears loving and kind, but I could see her motive originated from fear, not love, because her eyes were downcast and her whole countenance switched from joy to sadness.
One of the other little girls has a habit of downgrading her skills so she doesn't shine too strongly. When playing games she intentionally loses – a lot – so that the other girls won't feel badly. That may not sound bad, but it's what I see in their eyes… and hear from their lips.
This girl told me, "I'm afraid she won't like me anymore if I win."
Fear-based living and Shame-based choices set these girls up for a lifetime of pain.
These are NICE girls who are setting themselves up to be victims of abuse, whether in relationships or employment or school. Both of these girls have been bullied at school and have struggled with being outcasts. And they don't know why!
Fear and shame are the invisible markers that we need to be looking for, especially when we are around young people.
Just one of those telltale signs is the use of "I'm sorry". It's as if we feel the need to apologize for everyone's inconveniences, or even for our very existence.
We have grown up in a "man's world" and some of us have subconsciously adopted the "subverient" role and it plays out every day in ordinary ways that are easy to overlook.
If we can change just this one little red flag, I believe we'll be on our way to creating an abuse-free world.
The Pantene commercial below is such a great visual reminder, that I'm going to share this one-minute wonder with you! I hope you are able to watch it – it's really helped me to recognize my own default patterns of subservience and apologies for my very presence in the world, which originated in childhood.
Have you also heard young girls and teens say "I'm sorry" when it was not necessary, or have you caught yourself diminishing yourself insteading of shining?
Let's challenge each other to listen to ourselves and the young women and girls around us and to empower ourselves and the next generation to live an abuse-free world!
Let's SHINE!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for sharing this, Susan. I often hear my granddaughter saying she's sorry when there is nothing to be sorry for. We've had talks about it and she tells me she doesn't know why she says it, but making her aware of it is making her think about it if she says it. Thanks for sharing the commercial! I had not seen it and I will definitely share it. What a marvelous way to empower women to be who they are and stop apologizing.
I didn’t realize of pervasive it was… I’m glad your granddaughter has you to empower her, and a role model that is life transformational!
I can so relate with this post, I have had a couple of bullies in my life when I was in school and I used to keep my mouth shut so as not to give them a reason to bully me again… but I overcame it as I entered college, I totally transformed myself for good and I did not let it turn me into a rebel…
I hope these girls come out of their fear and shame 🙂
thanks for this post Susan
That sounds like a positive response and you got good results – I’m glad you were able to keep yourself safe!