Finding Security: New Growth after the Wildfire
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, “Diary of a Battered Preacher’s Wife“
Introduction: I was once called “the most abused wife” my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher’s wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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Note from the Future: This is the GREAT ADVENTURE! There are no guarantees you won’t suffer or get hurt. Your safety and security are in His hands alone. Moses led more than a million Hebrews out of Egypt into the desert with nothing but a shepherd’s rod and a vision from God along with His Name: I AM.
David was a young shepherd boy who killed a giant, led a rag tag army of misfits and became king of Israel… it wasn’t safe, not a single day of his life. Daniel was thrown to the lions, yet lived. Three of his friends were stuffed into a blazing hot furnace, and they danced while their jailers burned. Joseph was betrayed, abandoned, imprisoned, and forgotten, and yet became the second highest in command if Egypt.
Jesus was crucified. John was imprisoned. Paul was murdered. Peter was crucified upside down. I can’t think of anyone whose life made a difference has had security. Corrie Ten Boom and her whole family… and the millions who died in the Holocaust.
Where is God when the sociopaths are in control? Why do His people suffer hunger, thirst, want, and worse? Maybe there is a bigger plan than we can yet see. The foundation of faith is His Goodness, His Kindness, His faithfulness. The foundation of His throne is righteousness and justice.
All I know is that there is a Great Cloud of Witnesses who are eagerly watching our stories play out. It’s all part of His Divine Story and they have played their roles. It’s our turn now.
Are you like Moses, Joseph, Joshua, Daniel, Paul, Peter, Esther, Ruth, Naomi, Deborah, Susanna, Mordechai, and Jesus? Then you will face the same persecution. You might find yourself homeless, afraid, hungry, left for dead, pummeled by rocks and stone, sleeping outdoors…. and those who were your friends may mock you.
Like Job’s friends, they may try to advise you, correct you, and point to your failures. But what is God saying, right here and now? Chances are, if you find yourself like I did, on the outside of church fellowship and in great need, lying bleeding on the ground, nearly dying… that you are the kind of person who wants to be part of the Great Adventure. You signed up for this!
God heard your prayers, perhaps even before you were planted in your mother’s womb. Perhaps your own people were crying for a Deliverer for your family line! And you volunteered… because you know, you existed before you were conceived. (Ephesians 1) You had a life before you entered Planet Earth, and you will have a life when you return Home.
How well you handle the current tension of this gap between what is and what will be shows your character. And your character is based on WHO GOD IS, not so much on who you are.
So when you feel empty, alone, and afraid… REJOICE! Because that is when you are the most FULL, PRESENT, AND EMPOWERED. When you are weak, God is finally able to be strong. The only security in this dark world is knowing the RISEN CHRIST who happens to dwell in you! You are His beloved! He cares about justice. He hates what your abusers have done to rob, steal, and destroy you! And He’s going to BE your Deliverer and make you one, too!
And so I continue with my final post in the “Diary of a Battered Preacher’s Wife” series… because it’s TIME for us to RISE UP, and to BE Christ, RISEN, in this world!
June 7, 2011
It doesn’t really matter anymore what people think of me… but it matters what I think of me, and I keep searching for the me that I used to be…
The Sue who heard from God clearly… who believed in big dreams… who took risks… who loved much.
Post-divorce one year now. Two years of being on my own. In some ways it seems to feel like I’m sliding backward instead of moving forward and I can’t quite figure out what the obstacles are.
It seems to help to record the journey, just to talk it out. Today I can’t stop crying, so if the pattern holds true, tomorrow will be a brighter day… a breakthrough day.
It seems like that’s the way it is, whenever i have one of these really dark, up against a wall, days. The darkness causes me to rise up, to seek the Light… like a seedling underground stretching forth in the darkness, feeling the warmer soil and pressing through.
Please God, make something beautiful out of this disaster.
Sometimes my mind strays back to the houses I’ve owned… of decorating…of cooking and entertaining…it’s what I did and loved best, being a homemaker. And now I have nothing, living out of a suitcase, at this moment. It’s just still part of grieving…. but how long does grieving last…
I think back to life with R, and the grieving began there, long before he left…
He’s long gone but it’s like, if something is gone or removed from your life, then if there is nothing to replace it, then the aching hole remains. Part of me wants to return to work, because at least you see people every day and you are serving people… but my granddaugther needs me for the rest of the summer. And I worry about finances, even though its ridiculous, because it helps not a bit.
I am trying to move forward, but it seems I’m falling backward.
- My truck has a mysterious problem, so no transportation.
- A bone spur broke inside my toe, causing my foot to balloon twice its size, so I’ve been somewhat immobilized. No health insurance.
What I’m realizing is that the very churches and ministries I’ve served all these past dozen years… I guess they’re so used to me being the one to turn to.
Everyone has always thought I was so strong. Maybe they think I’m just magically doing okay?
I’m not okay, just now. Most of the time I’m surviving. I am glad to be free of the abuse. I’ve faced the “bad guys” who swarm in like vultures. I didn’t know about that. Oddly, it was R who, mockingly, explained what bad men do to women who are vulnerable and without protection.
Maybe God is testing me. Little income. No transportation. Nearly immobilized. Taking responsibility for why I am here, in this place of great need.
I am realizing it’s up to me to stand. No one can do this for me.
Note from the Future: As long as you have one breath left in you, no matter how lost or alone you feel, you can call His Name: Jesus… King of kings, born as a babe in Nazareth, crucified on the cross, risen and living today. I know you don’t have much strength left. Believe me, I know how it feels to be empty, to feel like you are a shadow of who you used to be.
What if this is your time to see a miracle? To CROSS OVER into the Promised Land. Not even Moses made it, only Joshua and Caleb. And so today, it’s true still – not many will choose to believe. Will you?
I’d love to pray for you and to declare this freedom over your life – join me here, if you desire!
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the “future me” – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan’s upcoming, interactive memoir, “On the Way Home,” tells the story of how she came to be known as “the most abused woman” her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan’s upcoming book, “On the Way Home” by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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