Finding My People: Christian Pagans vs Non-Christian Believers
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
***************************************************
Note from the Future: The photo above is part of a beadwork project that I call, "Cross to Glory". The following diary entry is raw, bloody, and is basically a scream for mercy. Having learned a new form of art from my Lakota friends – beading – my fingers took on the task of understanding the mystery of the Cross – of torture initiated by "good" religious leaders.
With each bead, my torn heart began to mend. I hope, my friend, that you will find some form of art to help you through the agony of misunderstandings, persecution, and pain that living with a sociopath inevitably brings. You might notice that that everything meant to bring the maximum amount of torture has now been turned into something loving, powerful, and glorious. That is the message of Christ on the cross!
December 28, 2011
My soul is broken… You are right. I am not myself right now. My soul is bursting, like sometimes I wonder if I'm breaking down.
It sounds like a person like me would "wake up" and "run" at what seems clearly obvious to be occult. And yes, I was lying to myself and to you in saying that I'm not tempted by a man…. I didn't think I was because I don't think about men and I don't go out looking for them. But when one appears who showers me with gifts, love, and attention, I am tempted, but I'm not falling for it.
I have to look deeper – beyond appearances. There is pain as well as anger in me about what the church has done in my life, for it's much more than marital abuse.
The church abuse was far more deadly to my spirit.
A doctor told me that what they did to me was "spiritual torture". So my spirit now has closed to church people … and maybe that was my open door to "pagans". But the Lakota faith sure isn't like I thought it would be…
These are non-Christian people who are acting Christlike…. versus Christians who act satanically, which is what I've known most of my adult life.
How can it be that my only choices for local spiritual gatherings are:
- Christians who worship the True God but are divided, even hate each other, and refuse to walk in love. One of the local women and I began to be good friends and I loved her… but her husband didn't like me so he forced her to quit being friends with me. They also refuse to have fellowship with the majority of Christians in town. I recently invited her to lunch and to chat… she turned me down because she said she needed to rest… and we haven't talked since.
- I have other Christian friends. If I come to a Bible study in their house, they will pray for me. I work on their Bible study nights, so unfortunately I can't meet with them because Christians rarely seem to meet outside of official church hours.
- The new pastor for a local church here in town (I graduated from that denomination's college) checked into the hotel where I work… and as I took his payment information he giggled… actually giggled… that he didn't have to pay for his lodging, that the church was stuck with his bill.
- My first attempt to attend a local church made me fearful. Remember the Christian pastor who also owned the motel I was living in? While pretending to be a fatherly pastor, he told me (exact words) that God had told him to take care of me, to give me a safe refuge! And then he fell in love with me, so he said…. and I rejected him… which caused him to counter-reject me. In his own words, to both me and to a witness who watched it happen at the motel, an employee there… he said that he had to lie about me in order to maintain his position in the city and that to tell the truth he would lose everything.
- My second attempt to attend a local church made me truly sick. During "fellowship time" everyone was told to go and greet their neighbor. Lots of smiles and handshaking going on…. but get this… no one would make eye contact with me! They smiled, shook my hand, and greeted me…. but like ROBOTS! Not even looking me in the eye. They didn't even ask for my name! And then at the very end of this highly controlled environment, the pastor invited anyone to come up front who would like to become baptized into that fellowship. He told us that we would have a background check before being received into church membership, through baptism. In other words, in order to get baptized you get a background check! Oh boy… don't get me started on that!
Christianity… what does that mean today?
That we walk in unforgiveness, hatred, revenge, lies, accusations, bitterness… the fruits of Darkness? Does it means we have to LOOK like we have it all together in order to have fellowshipr? No wonder everyone averts their eyes, acting like automatons, for isolation is the worst thing that can happen to a human. That's the standard punishment for nonconformity.
To sweep sin under the carpet, cover the facts with a totally different story, isn't the secrecy and cover up an "occult" thing? We pray controlling prayers over each other… hmmmm….. sounds like witchcraft to me!
So we all know these things are happening in the churches… but what do we DO about it? Those of us who dare to speak up are shunned, exiled, and sometimes murdered.
Paganism… what does that mean today?
From the little I was introduced to this past week, I experienced all the gifts of the Holy Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, etc…. and an intimate level of fellowship that is off the charts!
This is my naked soul. I write about my sins…. I discover, through your eyes, my own lies that I'm still believing today. I repent, I cry, I change.
Today there is a woman coming in from Florida named Katie who after traveling such a long distance by bus … the very first thing she wants to do in coming into town.. the very first thing after days of travel on a bus… she wants to come to my house and pray for me!!!!!! She is not a traditional Christian!!!!
Seriously! I ask for prayer among the local Christians… my friend whose husband won't let her be my friend? She is two blocks away from my house but won't pray for me! Christians will pray for me if I can get off work in time to get to the building they meet in – that is, if I have transportation to get there.
But this "pagan" lady…. she is willing to come to my house just because she heard I had a need, and after a long bus trip from Florida to Wyoming she wants to stop by my house FIRST before seeing anyone else and pray for me!
My friends….. do you see what I mean?
How can the Christian church have gotten to where it is today? We turn our backs on the "pagans" and we shoot our own wounded! The pagans don't turn their backs on us… and they pick up our wounded and tenderly nurse them back to life!
And the wounded woman lying bloody on the ground as Christians passed her by…. will she be condemned by the same Christians for allowing herself to be healed by the pagans when she tried so hard to get prayer from the Christians and they messed her up badly?
My friends… this is shocking behavior! And in such direct contrast to biblical love and fellowship, which Jesus demonstrated for us in John 13.
I hear your voices of concern! I hear my own screams for mercy, for help!
And this small town of about 1500 souls where I reside? I am told that the MAJORITY of people attend church every single Sunday! Most of the businesses in town are owned by Christians!
Can you hear my heart? I don't want "spells and potions" … but truly…. the Christian church is full of such stuff, we just call it by different names! They collect herbs and make tonics. We take pharmaceuticals for depression, pills for this and pills for that. We pray controlling prayers all the time.
What we call "Pagan" could it be that it's in our own places of worship, even in our own hearts? Good is called evil, and evil is called good, can it be?
The bottom line is "where is the love"?
Show me the love.
The John 13 love. The 1st Corinthians 13 love.
Maybe there ought to be a new religion… a James 1 religion… a true religion…. to look after orphans and widows in distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. My friends, the world is just as much inside Christianity as in paganism.
Where is it safe anymore?
It's safest inside a family that is living 1st Corinthians 13.
It begins in the family.
It begins in the home.
That's where it starts.
I hope you hear my heart… if you live in a city with good Christian churches, I am so glad for you. If you have fellowship with Christians who pray with you, I am glad. If you haven't yet been spiritually tortured by good Christian people, I am most glad for you.
Note from the Future: Many of us do not. Sharing this diary is not to blame all Christianity, but it's meant to be a wake up call.
This is just raw – I may not be saying things right or well. This is my naked soul.
I just have to be naked and vulnerable right now… I know I'm cleansing the toxins out as I do this, and I pray that none of it is too messy for anyone who may be reading this.
Note from the Future: I do not regret spending two months on the ranch of a family who worships in the Lakota way. I saw good and bad, but most of it was good. They saw my pain. They reached beyond my fear and recognized that I just needed loving acceptance, not judgment.
In the next chapter I'll share what happened under a starry sky, when the biggest man I'd ever seen approached me at a bonfire, and his booming voice brought me Home… click here to read this story.
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 0 comments… add one now }