Tell Your Story!
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
***************************************************
December 4, 2011
I'd like to share a public letter from a couple who attended the same Weekend Marriage Intensive that R and I attended last year, but as a preface I will share a letter written to my inner circle of friends:
Nearly everyone looked to "R and Susan" as a "hope and dream" … symbols of what God could do in the face of extreme tragedy and pain. The concept is True but the reality was a fantasy.
There are two kinds of responses from women in these circumstances: to stand or to get bitter. I was a stander…. now, that is not a good thing, even though it sounds like it.
A stander has a dream – a big dream – and will endure anything to see the dream fulfilled. She may even make unwise choices and enable unhealthy people in the process. I was unhealthy and unwise, as well as ignorant about abuse inside of the Christian system.
After many years of seeking help INSIDE the church, I finally went outside the church and was advised by three different people to leave immediately, for the verbal talk of violence was only escalating. The pastor responded to my decision by saying, "Sue, I'm ashamed of you. Why can't you have more grace?" It was enormously confusing, for church and home were my entire world. Later, I was to learn it was a closed system, a cult.
What I learned about myself and women like me can be defined in four words: "quiet, nice, obedient, and submissive". Chronic niceness. Victims project their own "niceness" onto others. Abusers project their own darkness onto others, particularly those closest to them.
I am grateful for going through it all, if only to knock down every religious brick in my life foundation and rebuild from scratch.
I can say with all honesty that I have been the worst sinner but I'm not proud of that. My heart is broken for all of us… the "chronic nice people" and the "psychopaths" … opposite ends of the sin scale. We are both guilty of "sin".
I cannot point my finger at my abusers… they are simply on opposite sides of the scale! But what I can do… not in this letter, but for my life mission…. is to point the finger at the one who made all the sin happen.
We live in a dark world…. so many of us are "innocent as doves" but not "wise as serpents". We choose denial… or we dull our senses with television and movies… or we move like automatons and zombies, just doing what we're expected to do.
In Matthew 5-7, the greatest sermon ever delivered, we learn that Light doesn't do any good if it's hidden…. it needs to shine from a high place, like a lighthouse for storm-tossed victims to find safe haven.
That is why I cannot be quiet about what has happened in my life. The book of Isaiah is my plan of action. Enough is enough… blaming victims has to end!
I have been quiet all my life. No more. No more "good girl" on the sin scale! I have been called a Goody-Two-Shoes" and there's nothing wrong in being a "nice, good girl" except that we too often OMIT confronting sin! Sins of omission, sins of silence, sins of withdrawing and backing down are just as much sin as sins of commission, verbal violence, aggression, and deception. Sin is sin.
I must speak up for others who are suffering in the same way I have suffered. Ignorance keeps us locked up in dark attics.
(Isaiah 42:18) … [ You've Seen a Lot, but Looked at Nothing ] Pay attention! Are you deaf? Open your eyes! Are you blind? You're my servant, and you're not looking! You're my messenger, and you're not listening! The very people I depended upon, servants of God, blind as a bat—willfully blind! You've seen a lot, but looked at nothing. You've heard everything, but listened to nothing. God intended, out of the goodness of his heart, to be lavish in his revelation. But this is a people battered and cowed, shut up in attics and closets, Victims licking their wounds, feeling ignored, abandoned. But is anyone out there listening? Is anyone paying attention to what's coming? Who do you think turned Jacob over to the thugs, let loose the robbers on Israel? Wasn't it God himself, this God against whom we've sinned— not doing what he commanded, not listening to what he said? Isn't it God's anger that's behind all this, God's punishing power? Their whole world collapsed but they still didn't get it; their life is in ruins but they don't take it to heart."
There are only a few things God asks of us…. to do justice, to look after orphans and widows, to love Him with all our hearts, to love others the way we want to be loved…
For the past 30-years I've just wanted someone to help me understand what was happening in my marriage…. how it could be so dark in private but so normal in public. The church had no answers, at that time. The church helped to cover up, in fact. In all the years of Earth's history it seems people have not changed very much at all.
It's TIME FOR CHANGE!
I am grateful for people like Kimberly and Josh Dimick, who are living examples of the power of transformation. Kimberly and Josh have publicly shared their story and it's like we have walked in each other's footsteps. Except… they got help and their marriage is now like what Heaven intended marriage to be.
So here's Kimberly…
To Whom It May Concern:
In an effort to give witness on Susan's behalf: my husband and I attended the same "God Save My Marriage" Weekend Marriage Intensive in October, 2010.
R's behavior early on, at this said Intensive, was one of anger and walking out on the first night's session. He did finally come back and settle in but we could tell he was quite agitated in even being there.
By the end of the Intensive, R "seemed" that he was fully on board in becoming a loving and kind Christ-like husband; yet, the only basis of such was that the public outbursts had stopped. Having dealt and mentored couples for years, and having been trained to pin point abuse; we sensed that his "supposed" changes in all probability would not last. This is not uncommon in dealing with abusive men as they are experts in manipulation and put on a good act in front of others, that are just that……an act.
Some of those warning signs to my husband and I were that he behaved more like a man clinging to his mother than a man who was repentant for failing to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. A truly broken man displays certain behaviors and attitudes toward his wife (that for us) were missing. We were concerned for Susan when she left but was thankful she would have on-going support.
We had the occasion to drive with them to the special dinner set aside for Intensive couples to attend. While in our vehicle, R was displaying this kind of clinging behavior with Susan and neighing like a horse. He said, he thought he was a stallion and used this very word several times. In all honesty, we found this behavior disturbing for a grown man.
In their one-on-one session, R did admit that he had lied to a Ministry network of people that a miraculous healing he had received, though authentic and true…for some reason the pain had returned and he lost this miracle of healing. When confronted about his responsibility to humble himself and be a truth-teller, he became argumentative. He wanted to "wait" and gave the clear impression that it could be put off.
We all encouraged him again to come clean and gave the clear Biblical directives that making his life right at home is what God would require of him before he peddled his wares outside the home.
He did say that he would still travel and preach, even though he was constantly in pain and was trying to hide it from people. He had no intentions of getting out of the "Ministry", temporarily. Instead of telling people he had lied and face any consequences he would continue the charade in Ministry circles. He DID admit he never told anyone that his condition had changed and deteriorated since that healing and yet, acted in ways that would mislead people. He openly admitted this wrong but was certainly not going to follow through with actions by making it right.
He said, he tried to make his wife Susan look bad by making up stories about her emotional and spiritual well-being. He said that he would make sure Ministry leaders knew he had lied to them and that in fact he was the one who was abusive to her in their marriage. He admitted that he had successfully duped other Christian leaders so that they would take "his side" in their marriage troubles.
Susan did discuss how she had tried to contact Ministerial leaders but they would not help her. It seemed everyone believed her husband and not her; not only about R's condition but also the abuse going on in their marriage. It was very sad to hear that well known Leaders in the Body of Christ did nothing to care for or support Susan during these devastating times with R. We personally can not even imagine living it.
R reported in our presence that he had threatened his wife to harm her, ruin her and divorce her if she did not do everything he wanted. He, in a moment of humility did own that he verbally, physically, spiritually and mentally abused his wife. He said, that he would handle problems with her by going into rages, leaving her alone and threatening her. He openly talked about physically hurting her, driving recklessly at times with her in the vehicle and feigning suicidal threats to keep her under his control.
After much discussion in their one-on-one coaching session, R finally agreed to do the right thing and take steps to out himself, validate his wife, and take public ownership of his wrong. His own admission was that he knew he had lied and misrepresented himself and his wife. He DID make vocal promises to talk with his Ministry people. He also agreed; that in the best interest of their marriage and life that he should (and he agreed) to take a sabbatical and revisit ministry involvement only after he had worked on his marriage and dealt especially with his anger and rage.
R clearly gave Susan the outward acknowledgements that his behavior would be different and that they would even make plans to move and start over their lives. By all outward signs, he acted and spoke as if he were a changed man. He made verbal promises and reassured her that his ministering to others would if ever come after getting his marriage back on track.
He was openly affectionate and loving toward her but the changes he said he wanted to make were over as soon as he got back home. It had declined rapidly from there. These accounts were documented and written in Susan's on-going story on the Marriage Forum in a private section (as Susan needed to be protected).
I, as a Moderator on said forum personally gave this on-going support to Susan. She was told that it was not uncommon for a man to make agreeable statements in the presence of others but that unless R faced and dealt with his abusive core, that he would continue to abuse her and that her life was at risk if she continued to stay in this abuse and enable R.
Susan, in my opinion is the most abused women I have ever come across in our marriage mentoring.
Perhaps the worst of all is the spiritual abuse not only by R but those who sat in agreement with his behavior and abandoned Susan in her time of need. Having dealt with this myself, in my own marriage recovery, I clearly saw the signs and markers of this same kind of abuse by those who are called to protect the oppressed, the downtrodden, the widow and orphans and yet, turn a blind eye to what is right in front of them. What is heartrending when it comes to abuse in the Church, is that leaders as a whole believe the abuser and cause untold damage to innocent victims.
I pray that those who read this will BOLDLY confront, challenge and CALL men in and out of the "pulpit" to live out being the Christ-like men they proclaim they are. I pray that God raises up voices in the Body of Christ to face this squarely so that women and children are given safety and protection, NOT BLAMED. The Church should have been the entity to sound the alarm about spousal abuse.
Men who are not confronted, given consequences and allowed to continue on in their falsehoods by other leaders are as equally guilty and partaking of that same spirit of treachery and abandonment, Malachi addresses. These "leaders" allow these men to treat their wives treacherously and throw a garment of violence over themselves. This is WHY God hates divorce. It is because these kinds of men are given free reign in their homes to abuse their wives because the trade off is their great gift that can be used for sordid gain. God help us.
This subject is our great passion and we will not apologize for bringing LIGHT to this DARKNESS in the Church. It is more prevalent, widespread and unaccounted for than people are willing to admit. We are called to love each other enough to pull the covers on abuse in the no matter where we find it, including the leaders in the Body of Christ.
Note from the Future: Kimberly and Josh remain good friends. They have supported me in an unconditional, ongoing way since September 2010. I have compiled their best teachings in an archive that you are welcome to read, here.
I have used only the letter "R" in the letters published on this page, although the original letters contained his full name. Otherwise, the letters have been published as they were originally written.
As of today, R continues to travel to ministry leaders across the Midwest. If you see him laying hands on women and praying, just know that what he's really doing is hunting for his next victim. If enough of us say, "Get help!" maybe he will.
This is what Love does: It confronts. First, one-on-one. If that doesn't work, in front of elders who are familiar with all concerned. If the elders partner with the abuser, you go public. That is what Love does, because unless confronted, the wolf dressed in sheepskin will prey on more victims. And that is what happened and is happening again, right now. That is why I cannot simply be silent and "move on".
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 0 comments… add one now }