Raped
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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Note from the future: I'd like to skip over this chapter and not publish it, for you will see me in such a bad light, at my lowest moment, in an act of stupidity. I hope you will read the responses of my friends and counselors, and the heart of Love that eventually healed my heart, for it's so life-changing.
I am not the same person today. I'm grateful for all that happened, actually. Just yesterday, a pastor's wife wrote to me, sharing vulnerable a similar story. She was certain her friends would shun her, and probably so… she was afraid I would judge her, but I didn't. I KNEW what she was going through. I felt her pain.
Friend, how valuable it is to one such as us, that you do not condemn us, even if you do not condone what we do. How precious it is to be loved, even in the deepest, murkiest pit of hell. For you see, there are many more us us stuck in these miry pits. Love overcomes all evil. We can be loved to life!
I share this story and all of the other stories, in the hope that at least one soul will be saved.
September 1, 2011
This is a post I hate to share, but it's part of this journey. I didn't read the previous replies until today, as I have not had internet except a few minutes at the library once in awhile, usually with a long line of people waiting for the computer.
I have wanted you to be wrong, at times… but more and more you are proving to be right, all right.
With R showing up in town it has been unavoidable to meet him, but worse, my daughter and granddaughter are buddy-buddy with him. I talked with my mom about this.
She said, "Sue, look in his eyes and you will know." He was over to my daughter's house and his eyes were just like when we first met…. so soft and kind! He was actually listening to me and we were communicating better than we have in years! I shared how I felt… and he listened and seemed like he was agreeing. Then he picked me up in his arms and put me on his lap. He kissed me… and then there was more, much more.
In writing to freedom, we deal with toxic residue in our memories. Just like sunflowers absorb toxic elements, converting them to nutritious seeds and oils, so we need to focus on beauty and truth as we share our stories. Readers and writers together.
Note from the future: In looking back on that horrid scene, I said 'no' – I tried to make it stop. It took me a long time to call it it what it was – it was a rape. Yet, in my mind, I was so conditioned to be treated like that, and I was still desperately hoping for his love.
It may seem hideously foolish, but everyone around me – all who knew R – were adoring him! It was so upside down and inside out, and there were parts of me that wanted to go along with the crowd, to believe in him, as I once did. Denial – especially group denial – is difficult to emerge from, unbroken.
On the 3rd day of hearing no word from him, I called and asked him what he thought of that day when we talked and so much more… and he replied, "That was to show I care about you." I was heartbroken. For I had renewed my vows and put my wedding ring back on. I know, that was utter stupidity!
What followed…
I began to get text messages from him… but they were not love notes. There were full of f- words... And then I discovered through town gossip that R is telling people I came on strong and seduced him! I know…. I have been totally stupid. But I did not seduce him! My mind was filled with our family being whole and together again. He initiated physical contact, and continued beyond my "no".
I just wanted us all to be together again. It felt so good to be embraced. That is a fantasy, I realize, to think all could be restored without proven significant change.
R is in my daughter's town, a town of 126 people. I am 70 minutes away, in a different town. Today R is driving thru my town to get back to Montana. He is overdue to send me a check (not allimony, but part of our divorce agreement… division of assets and liabilities)… so he owes me money but is late on paying. I gave him my po box address and asked him to mail it. He said: "If you want it, meet me at the truck stop." I told him no, to just mail it.
I feel like this battle is only just beginning, the more I get free.
My mind is cleansed of R…. but I still don't trust myself. Like if we were to meet in person… and he shows his soft side again. I don't think I would melt like before, but I don't trust myself in his presence, not alone.
He has my daughter and granddaugther, though….. I am learning through town gossip that they are believing every word he speaks. He is 'adorable' and 'funny' and so 'kind' to everyone but me.
During our talk, R shared how he still has not recovered from wife number one… and two… and three. He especially talked about wife #1…. and how the pain is greater today than it was back then. He talks about how hurt he is.
I realize you are all RIGHT and I have been terribly wrong.
It is difficult to write this.
I wanted so much for a miracle to take place. What a performance! R was at his best…. and I fell for it. I even put in my 2-week notice and gave up my house to move back to my daughter's area, to be close to Randy!!!!! Thankfully I was able to get both back.
Note from the future: I had to take a pay cut and reduced hours, as a result.
I'm so used to watching out for him, protecting him, caretaking him…. I've been his advocate, caretaker, friend for so many years…. always putting him first. I realize it's time to look out for me… to protect my own interests.
This is such a different time for me. Ever since I was a little girl I have lived "apart" from society… in my own little world…. my 'home' … only church/ministry were allowed inside my life. I have never been much a part of the world. I just don't know how things work.
Note from the future: I am on the autism spectrum – Asperger's. Aspie girls too easily trust and share their hearts way too much, too soon.
God is watching out for me, I see that evidenced all around me in every which way. But there is so much 'yuck' to cut through. All I have wanted to do is return 'home' to my mom's house, in my home town… where everything is 'nice'…. I have good friends, a good church, good company…. SAFETY!!!! SECURITY!!!!
But I have to grow up. I've never grownup… my mom tells me she regrets that she never forced to me to get out of the house, as a teeneager. I know I would just HIDE if I went home. I have to learn to face these things!
Maybe all these things happening at once are for a reason, to get my mind straight… to speak out… to be a voice, once my own eyes are wide open and my heart and mind cleansed of the toxins.
It takes so much for me to get angry… looking back on my life, I've almost never been angry! I've yelled maybe a dozen times in my life, if that.
I always see the best in people. I look for what is good. And sometimes I go into denial, just to not have to see the bad.
It's time to get angry.
There are sheep in wolve's clothing… and there are wolves in sheep's clothing.
And R is a wolf in sheep's clothing … and I was in denial, even as recently as last week.
I didn't understand what Joel meant by "the scariest man" … until this happened.
I am sorry, my friends…. for the stupidity. Chronic niceness is a sin. Hiding oneself is a sin. Denial is a sin. I just want the world to be nice and safe…. but pretending, hiding, and certainly not spending all my time in church will protect us from evil….
I feel like Alice in Wonderland… when she said "I don't slay." And the MadHatter responded, "You don't slay???" He was horrified… for she was intended to be their Champion! She went up against the Jabberwalker. And that is where I'm at today…. it feels like it's time to SLAY a giant…. maybe more than one.
To have the courage to publish this story, I needed to post photos of beautiful places I visited with someone who loves me deeply. I am remarried now (since 2013) to a man who cherishes me and lays down his life for me, as Christ does for His Bride. These memories give me the courage to face my past and to retrieve the missing parts of myself, buried back there. I am writing to freedom.
JoelandKathy: Hi Kings Bride..
Remember.. you are a bride of the king.
You are coming out of a nightmare.
God takes care of His girls.
This short post does not meet the pain that you have shared.. but our posts that have gone before stand sure for your reflection.
God is SO good. Just let Him be good to you by getting as far away from R as possible.
The further you are from him, the more that God's blessings will flow to you. That is how it works, over and over again for women who escape a man like R.
My life is truly magical, now that I am years away from these events. Moments like seeing the horses running wild and free through the Tongue River… just take my breath away. The beauty of Nature is truly healing!
Lifegiver: My heart goes out to you KingsBride…as change of any kind is not easy but especially when we have lived a lifetime the wrong way, thinking it was Gods perfect will!
But please know that nothing that happens takes our heavenly Father by surprise and know that He hasn't brought you this far to let go of you now. He has loved you and watched over you all of your life and He will continue to do so, BECA– USE you are very very valuable to Him.
He has seen what your HEART is made of and the tenacity and diligence you have made to pursue HIM in the midst of many many struggles, trials and tribulations…I know that your life has been one testimony after another and He is going to continue to bring you more outstanding testimonies surrounded in His GLORY because you hear His voice and yield to Him.
He knows that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all struggle to get it right, but that isn't what God is looking or expecting from us…Its the matter of our HEARTS and whether or not we are going forward to follow hard after Him, even after missing the mark…
Sometimes if we didnt miss the mark we wouldn't search for the truth.
The word of truth says that God always has a way of escape…I will be praying for you this week that doors will open for those ways to be revealed as well as "How Much He Loves YOU and just how Highly Favored of The King of the Universe you really are…I will pray that you will be strong and courageous, unafraid to continue to see the path that the Lord will light before you and to walk in it…Know that you have not failed because you have seen truth and are following after it!
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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