Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – Chapter 2
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
In the Series "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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Thank for the encouragement and counsel. If it's darkest before dawn, then that's where we're at right now.
I need to find out how to protect my heart. My husband is away on a ministry trip, except the ministry appointments were canceled to a large extent and it's become more of a vacation with some ministry mixed in.
He calls me every day, but each call brings such pain and is full of condemnation, accusation and a new condescension that has never been there before. One day I needed to protect my heart because I had business to do and I didn't want to be an emotional wreck. So I turned my phone off for half a day while attending a business seminar with my daughter.
It angers him when I do this, and then he will call me up to 30x in a row within a short period of time (like an hour) until I pick up… and then I'm in trouble. Accusations, condemnation. It's weird, though, because then he'll say, "Do you want to pray?" Because that is something I've made a special request for, so then he's filling my request and feeling like a good husband… but after the accusations I don't feel like praying with him, so then he turns it against me… so that I will see how much he's trying and how uncooperative I am.
I try to ask for what I need (kind words, gentleness, etc) but then I'm told I am ungrateful for all he's done for me. It seems so impossible, so irrational.
I'm afraid of growing to dislike him, hating to see his number come up on caller id. It feels like a toxic waste dump when he calls… but then he can say he's doing more for our marriage than me if he's the one calling and not me.
He's convinced himself that I am unfaithful to him, when in reality I have not had a single thought of any other man, not even a thought.
I'm starting a new business and it's been extremely hard to focus. So much to learn and do and it's hard to function normally with all the phone calls that tear my heart to shreds. I need to protect my heart, but how?
He says God is showing him that the marriage counselor's teaching is not good, that we're going in the wrong direction, but that he can understand why I would like it – why any woman would like it. There is 'pity' in his voice when he says this.
Thank you for a forum where we can just talk, get these dark things into the Light of God's Truth. The fact this is happening within ministry and among church leaders makes it all the more distressing.
Where is the Church right now, in our family? They are listening to my husband, the man of God…. and signs, wonders, and miracles are breaking forth every day proving he's the man of God and I am not (I'm in business).
In fact, none of these "hundreds of people praying" he mentions have ever talked to me. Some of them I know – they are mutual friends out of state… but none of them want to talk to me, email – nothing? They don't want to encourage my husband to go home, to spend time with his wife… but instead line up ministry events for him? This part I don't understand.
I am afraid I am growing to distrust the Church … not everyone – I have good, solid friends in the Body. I don't want to risk shipwrecking my faith. I enjoy intimacy with God, and He's been very real, very present… but sometimes it feels a lot like He's against me.
My husband tells me repeatedly, every day, that "everyone" is against me, that "everyone" knows I've got something wrong with me. He doesn't say it with compassion, but as an accusation.
I know these are lies coming from the enemy, not my husband but thru him… but the repetition gets to me anyway… I wish I could shut off communication with my husband until the toxic waste is cleaned up.
My thought today was that I need to remain in joy no matter what and not let these things shake me… and then I pictured myself laughing when the enemy accuses me through my husband. Not laughing at my husband, but laughing at his words…. to show the enemy I place no weight on his words and that they do not sway me. That is my current goal, my prayer… asking God for the grace to laugh at my accuser in the form and shape of my husband.
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Responses:
Dory: Wow, his form of spiritual abuse is amazing! He so easily accuses you of infidelity probably because he himself can, and probably is, visualizing it for himself. If he isn't already IN it with all the "vacationing with friends" he does. Phew
And he's in ministry? He has NO BUSINESS talking on the phone to women at this point.
He is in love with the world and the world is in love with him. Look at the fruit Honey. Four wives???? and, if he married you without being divorced, this shows what he is capable of adultry-wise, which backs up my point above regarding infidelity.
He is totally in love with himself! Not just a narcissist, but an abusive narcissist, a serial adulterer, a liar, an infidel, (if he isn't taking good care of his children).
The man can be changed for nothing is impossible with God, but it will also take an amazing amount of strength by you to stand up to him too.
June: This is despairing to you I'm sure — and there can be hope if you (and God) will get his attention.
I for one, would suggest (just my opinion), that your phone be turned off or to "mute" until he arrives home.
He's made it clear it wants to live life HIS WAY with no respecting of you.
Will be praying for you as the Lord gives you His strength — He wants you to have a joyous marriage that honors Him — He created it, He has a plan for it, and that plan says for the husband to agape-love the bride.
Blessings and prayers,
June
MusicTeacher:
To The King's Bride,
Hello, dear sister in Christ! Wow, you have endured a torrent of abuse and oppression. How you have been able to function under such oppressive circumstances is beyond my understanding. You are a very strong woman and I'm sure the Lord has sustained you through this situation.
I am not a helper, so I cannot advise you in any way, but I KNOW that you do NOT have to accept what he is "feeding" you. You do NOT have to listen to, or accept, anything abusive coming out of his mouth. It's understandable and admirable that you want to fix him or at least linger until he fixes himself, but you are putting yourself in the line of fire. That's not right. NOBODY deserves to be treated the way he is treating you!!!
It FEEDS him every time you accept abuse from him. He will continue to do this as long as you allow him to treat you this way.
I completely agree with June that you do not have to have your phone turned on while he is away. You also do not have to listen to him when he talks to you abusively, even at home. You have every right to tell him that you will not listen to him until he speaks to you in a decent manner.
I am not saying any of this to make you feel bad in any way. You are certainly not responsible for the way he treats you, but if you allow it to continue, it will. If you continue to accept what he feeds you, he will continue to feed you the same manna. You deserve to be treated like THE KING'S BRIDE!!
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Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Susan, the amount of healing that is evident in you is astounding. From the way you write now – from a place of wholeness – I would have assumed these events took place in the long time past. Only the hand of Jesus can bring about that kind of transformation.
Thank you for making yourself a vessel. Thank you for sharing your story – all of it. These truths will not only set YOU free. They're setting us free, too. Free to tell our stories and speak our own truths.
Love you so much.
That means a lot, Rebekah – thank you, more than you know! 🙂
Note from the future… I now understand this method of abuse – it's called "gaslighting".
Gaslighting or gas-lighting[1] is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.[2] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. — from Wikipedia
He repeatedly enforced, "Everyone is against you. Everyone believes you've gone off the deep end." The "everyone" he spoke of were pastors and leaders in our ministry network. These were the very same leaders who didn't talk to me anymore. Who were no longer available to take my calls. Who didn't respond to my emails. Who just didn't recognize my existence.
It was truly difficult to maintain my reality, my truth… I questioned myself intensely. I doubted my sanity. While he was so sure of himself.
This is gaslighting. It is abuse!
The accusations….
Years later, I was to be contacted by women who had been prospected by my abuser… he was already prospecting for his next wife, years before I suspected his infidelity. He projected his infidelity onto me. When he looked in my eyes he saw himself. So he called me a monster, and he believed his own 'truth'.
I speak up today, because every victim needs to be heard. I speak up today, to give voice to those who have been silenced. I speak up today, not to blame or shame, but to be me, to live free, to tell my story. I have been writing my way to freedom for the past several years. I am free today. It's because I am telling my life story.
Every victim needs to be heard. Not because their truth is the only truth. Obviously, you are hearing only my side of the story. But my side was silenced. And so I speak my own truth. I am not saying I have the whole truth, but I am sharing my perspective, both before and after the abuse.
Thank you for listening.
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