The Swinging Pendulum Between Hope and Despair
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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April 10, 2011
I have written letters to ministry leaders, church leaders who host my husband as a ministry, etc…. even with my pastor's help. But only one leader has responded or even wanted to talk to me. The silence is eerie… they don't even want to talk to me or our pastor???
Facing Reality
The chameleon, "Mr. Nice Guy" seems to be winning. And this is my reality check… I have to see him not as I want to see him, but as the chameleon he actually is… for he is not being a husband.
He calls me late at night, after midnight, when I'm very tired (he left 2 months ago for an extended tour of ministry). He accuses me of adultery continuously and I made the mistake of trying to "help" him know that I'm 100% for US, 100% committed and believing for restoration.
Only one of us was unfaithful
Note from the future: Women came to me, years later, to tell me that he was unfaithful to me during this time period – it was firsthand testimony, because they were the ones being prospected. An abuser will project their own lie-life onto you.
It just didn't make a dent in his ungodly belief and I should have known that by now. I've read Patricia Evan's book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and learned how to respond properly, but I'm just not in the habit and didn't catch it in time… so I came under the control and intimidation once again.
It takes about 2 days to recover from 1 phone call like that. If we talk when other people are around he's not abusive at all… we can actually have a good conversation… not husband/wife, but friends or business partners.
Being one way with others and another with you
That's what makes me feel crazy, I think… it's the pendulum swinging. My heart hopes when we have a good call and explodes in pain when it's a bad call.
I'm at the point where "enough is enough" and although he threatens me with, "I'm watching you," I am going to write my story… like Kimberly and Josh have written theirs. Maybe writing it out will help to bring a good ending.
There's so much to think about right now… where to live, how to pay my own way, how to be strong for my kids and grandchildren… I'm so tired all the time just trying to be strong…. maybe the best thing I can do is just take care of me right now and focus on guarding my heart, while at the same time writing this story.
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Responses:
GoingSolo: I don't know what to tell you except, "good for you, going public." It is a difficult road that you are going to be walking, but it is the RIGHT one.
An abusive man has no GODLY place in ministry. However, so many men (and women) have made ministry about things OTHER than serving God…and to them, your husband is a good investment. Unfortunately, there will ALWAYS be people that believe his lies, even after you come out…but for those who are TRULY seeking the Lord, the truth will warn them to stay away from being guided by your husband and his ministry.
As far as finding a job, putting one foot in front of the other, etc…I firmily believe God will bless you in His own way and His own time for stepping out in faith. Many women would stay in an abusive relationship until they have everything in order…and I believe that this is NOT faith, but leaning on your own understanding. Stepping out, not knowing is much more faithful…and I admire you for that.
Prayers going your way…
Take Care,
GoingSolo
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Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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