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Deborah is Arising
By: Susan McKenzie
A widow asked me to pray for her, and her need was extremely desperate. She and her daughter were going hungry and they were behind on bills, for quite some time. I went to bed praying, with this widow on my mind.
In the morning, just before waking fully, I sensed God saying to me, "If you see or hear of someone in need and it stirs your heart, that is because it's Me wanting to send provision through you." I was excited! That meant, there was something in ME that God wanted to use to provide for this widow!
Yet, my current reality is that I'm homeless and I have to depend on God every day just to make it. Nevertheless, my heart was stirring… and I knew from somewhere inside me, I have the MEANS to provide for this widow… and many other widows!!!
So I began to remember who I am. My first name is Susan, which in Hebrew, means "Tender Lily". But my middle name is Deborah. Deborah was a JUDGE in Israel and a prophetess who led Israel's army under Barak to victory over the Canaanites.
This widow asked me, after I told her that I would like to help her in addition to praying for her, "How can you help me if you cannot help yourself?"
This is my response:
Wow, your word stirred up the Deborah in me… in a good way. I am remembering who I am…
I am the woman who saved Randy's job, when his new boss handed him a laptop and told him to prepare spreadsheets, faxes, emails, etc… and Randy was too computer illiterate to do that. He was going to lose his lucrative job, but I did it for him and saved his job. Our project manager said, "You make me look good!" I did that while working 12-15 hour days on the hazmat field operating heavy machinery in triple digit heat all day.
When Randy was fined $1600/month in alimony/child support it was my salary that put food on the table.
I found the property we purchased in Trout Creek. I stood on the land and God told me, "This land will pay for itself." The bank later told us, "You got a steal!" Two years later we sold the property at a profit of almost the identical price we paid for it, just before the housing crisis hit.
We used that profit to fund the beginning of Randy's new career in itinerant ministry. At Randy's request, I quit my business in order for both of us to go through leadership training, in that ministry.
During the 2-years we were on the property I joined a company that allowed me to replace my former income with the hazmat company.
I have flown airplanes, solo. I drove a school bus full of football players in downtown Chicago. I've operated machinery you have to climb a ladder to get into.
I feel like David as he prepared to meet Goliath… recounting the feats God allowed me to do.
Yes, I was shot down… and Randy's smear campaign against me has really hurt my reputation. I was not appreciated, even though I was the only one who worked with all of the attorneys on 3 separate lawsuits/claims for Randy's case and WON all 3!
All together, Randy has won almost a million dollars. I don't share in any of that, but I am the one who won it for him, by working very hard with his attorneys. Randy didn't do a single thing except sign his name – it was all paperwork, and tons of it.
Your original question, that stirred up the Deborah in me, was this: "How come it's not working for you just want to know"
I guess, because I did all that for Randy and a lot more….
Oh…. and Randy made a mistake, while we were living in our home on the riverfront….. he used a chainsaw to bring down some bushes along the riverbank. Almost a year later the gov't sent us a letter saying we owed them $500 a DAY, retroactively, for the "destruction" on the riverbank.
I worked for more than a week to craft just the right letter and sent it, on Randy's behalf, and the gov't backed down and reversed their decision, saving Randy from having to pay $500 a day for all of that year.
I earned my way….. all those years.
With God's grace, I caused Randy to succeed beyond his wildest dreams.
I worked so hard for him…. and now all I want to do is to work for the widows and orphans and misfits.
So this Deborah is arising within me. Your question stirred me to wake up.
I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me.
Thanks for helping me work thru this… thanks for your patience and grace!
I want to make this public declaration of faith: With God's help I will arise, once again. If I can do all that I did for Randy, on top of caring for him for several years when he was in pain, in a wheelchair, on narcotics, suicidal, through 10 surgical procedures, through more cross-state moves than I can currently recall for the sake of his career, then I can do it again… this time for the sake of the widows.
I believe God said this to me, so then it's a done deal.
Susan McKenzie knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and so much more. In a series of letters spanning more than two decades, God gave Susan "The Way Home,' through her personal daily journals to help her in exiting organized religion where she had served in duties ranging from pastor, inner healing and deliverance minister, and Midwest regional coordinator for a large international ministry. In the past decade Susan has been applying the truths she learned and is now publishing her journals for the first time.
If you've ever felt you lost your soul in the midst of a "successful" Christian lifestyle, "The Way Home" is for you! It's a practical guide via stories, poems, dreams and visions all in the context of real life stories. You can register to receive the newsletter, "The Way Home" right now by by clicking here! You will also receive a FREE copy of Susan's upcoming book, "The Way Home: Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife".
Copyright 2012, Susan McKenzie, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references. For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan McKenzie.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I have been thinking this too-
I sensed God saying to me, "If you see or hear of someone in need and it stirs your heart, that is because it's Me wanting to send provision through you."
That God blesses me to be a blessing to others!
Arise my soul, Arise!
Let's fulfill our God given purpose!
Amazing as usual! I'm with Penny. You're a wonderful storyteller.
I'm glad to hear from Susan Deborah for she can do all things through Christ. She is strong and courageous. 🙂
It is good to remind yourself of all the good things that you have done, That showed you how strong you were then and I am pretty sure that with God's grace you can do it again. Indeed, rise up and the Glory of God will be shown over you! I love it that you are writing yourself stronger and stronger!
I love the way you write, you bring me right into the story with you! What an amazing women of God you are, thank you for sharing from your walk with God and how God uses those who will rise up and say YES!!
Your posts are always so amazing Susan. So powerful and full of God's truth and victory. Your story shows that it really is truly possible to do anything with Christ!
Hi Carolyn, thanks so much! We can do anything in Christ but we often don’t because we forget our identity, that He is indeed living in us. Sometimes people intentionally, or unintentionally, poison our minds with lies and that whole demonic construct has to be demolished before we can accomplish our true destiny. I was just really messed up more than most, I believe, from religion. Thanks for the encouraging words!
God still amazes me in His Divine connections. Last night I was reading Watcman Nee. (I am going back to some serious, deep basics) love ya, Linda
Hear this "Tender Lily"…
Hosea 14:5 I will be like the dew to Israel;
He will blossom like the lily,
And he will take root like the cedars of Lebanon.
Watchman Nee: "In this verse, God shows how life takes on a mysterious dual character. In it the blossom of the lily is wonderfully linked with the roots of the cedar: frail beauty and massive strength united in a single plant. Such miracles are wrought by heaven's dewfall alone."
Linda, that is beautiful… so “spot on” … and it reminds me of our Messiah’s dual nature, too… the Lion and the Lamb. Coming after verse 3-4 is meaningful, too… “… ‘Never again will we call the idols we have made ‘our gods.’ No, in you alone do the orphans find mercy.’ The LORD says, ‘Then I will heal you of your idolatry and faithlessness, and my love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever!'”
My biggest idol was religion, in the form of church ministry. I love hearing you say you’re back to some “serious, deep basics” – me too! <3 Love ya, sista!
Ancient Israel would put up markers of the times when God answered prayers, moved in a miraculous way, delivered them or gave them a great victory. The purpose was to remind them of His greatness and their ability to be great when they follow Him.
That's what you did in this post, you built a marker of the times when God used your skills to accomplish great things. He is reminding you that those skills are being used still.
That’s very interesting you bring Israel’s markers up, Matthew, because I often think about that these days. It’s so important to remember who are, as individuals and as a Body. Destroying our identity seems to be on the forefront, in spiritual abuse… so I love the concept of the markers – thanks so much!
From a fellow survivor, a poem that brings healing:
I WAITED LONGER THAN I SHOULD HAVE
I waited longer than I should have, trying to bow my knee.
Longer than I should have, trying to fix most everything.
Then the day arrived, tears falling from my eyes
And I realized that God was calling me.
Calling me to peace
Calling me to love
Calling me to end the strife,
Yes, calling me to life.
Calling me to go
Calling me to see
He was always there,
Saying, come dance with Me.
So I began the dance, one hot summer night
Trusting Him to lead me, away from all the fight.
Trusting Him to love me, just as He always had,
And leaning on Him fully, no longer living sad.
Calling me to dance
Calling me to see
He had never stopped
Really loving me
Calling me to rest
Calling me to live
He was always faithful
But now I had to give.
So I gave Him my hurt; gave Him all my dreams
Gave Him my heart; and He gently lifted me
Up from the depths; of sorrow I had known
And gave me wings to fly; up to His heavenly throne.
Calling me to freedom
Calling me to peace
Calling me to live my life
In freedom from abuse
Calling me to wonder
Why I stayed so long
But had I left much sooner
I wouldn’t know this song.
I wouldn’t know the dance; that God shared with me
I wouldn’t know the pain; from which God set me free
I couldn’t be help to those; that hurt just like me
I wouldn’t be sharing; my pain for them to see.
He’s called me to freedom
Called me to peace
Called me to live my life
In freedom from abuse
Called me to help
Those along the way
Who needed my past hurt
To have their victory
Source: http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/lyrics-from-an-abuse-survivor-by-one-of-our-readers/
Welcome home, Deborah. Welcome home …
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