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In Search of: A Message, A Man, A Meeting
By: Vince Coakley
The idea for this title belongs to my dear wife, Debbie. As we went for a walk the other day, we discussed the issues that will follow. Just today, I was meditating on the content for this blog posting. The heart behind it was further stirred by this Facebook entry from a friend:
“You know, I'm having a hard time understanding why so many people who have left our old church are so eager to jump right into another one. Makes me think of that proverb about a dog returning to its vomit.”
Let me first say, this is not written as a criticism of anyone. It is really more of an exhortation . . . to SEEK THE LORD rather than repeat another round of futility. I can speak from experience on this, because I ultimately had to go through another round of painful dysfunction (and drag my family through it as well). The reason: institutionalization caused me to feel that I needed to find another “thing”. My loving Father let me find it, and the lesson this time was like the proverbial hot stove . . . hot enough to keep me from touching it again!
The title of this blog post refers to ‘attractions’ or ‘entry points’ into more religious distraction and dysfunction. God clearly loves His people and of course he also loves leaders. He uses men to deliver messages and He sometimes works through meetings (though many times He does so despite us, not because of our amazing meeting skills). Even though He uses these things, they alone are not indicators of the health of a particular spiritual expression. I can say emphatically that if these are the criteria that attract us to “joining” another religious franchise, we still have some foundational lessons to learn.
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A Message
I am continuously bombarded by emails and Facebook messages about some “man of God” who delivered some extraordinary message. Maybe the message is wonderful, but does that automatically mean one should join an organization that person is connected to?
I have friends who have been languishing in a “church” for years. When I most recently asked why they’re still there, my friend replied, “We like the preaching.” This is curious in light of the fact that my friend is aware that the people doing the preaching have a history of abuse, control, manipulation, and lying. The friend was speechless when I asked, “What good is preaching when they don’t practice what they preach?”
Too many Christians believe there is something spiritual about listening to sermons every week. There can be, but there is no biblical evidence that it is God’s purpose for us to listen to someone drone on and on, week after week, while a “congregation” passively listens. Luke refers to his gospel as an account of what Jesus “began to do and teach”. And yet I’ve found few people preaching who even know how to “do,” unless doing is simply defined as telling others what to do.
While there is a healthy place for teaching, increasingly I see that New Testament priesthood involves more effective body ministry of “one anothers” and less of the one-man-show eternal lectures many of us have become addicted to.
A number of people I know rejoice in “how well taught” they are. I acquiesce that Paul might say the same, but only about his pre-Damascus road days which he came to view as rubbish.
Hearing a good sermon (or even a series of good sermons) is hardly a reason to throw our lot in with another organization. The real test is BODY functionality:
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. (Colossians 3:16 ESV)
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A Man
Those who have been in religious organizations where leaders have a high view of themselves and of their importance to the body should be especially on guard for what amounts to idolatry.
I grew up hearing people refer to “Pastor (Tom, Dick or Harry)’s church” or “Brother so-and-so’s church.” Though not intentional, in most cases, these words were literally true; the church belonged to that man. The problem should be obvious. Any “church” built around a man is, frankly, an abomination. Have we not learned the error of “I am of Paul, I am of Apollos . . . ?”
This is putrid idolatry. We Christians slam unbelievers for their worship of music stars, celebrities, and Hollywood actors. Yet we do the very same thing in the church world with our worship of famous preachers, musicians and edifices. We allow those who treat us like commodities to “make merchandise of us.” And we permit selfish leaders to divide the body in the name of a perverted view of pastoral authority.
Look at the way we set up church meetings: the pastors are the center of attention. All the chairs or pews are focused in that direction, not toward one another. Truthfully, much of what we’re doing is relating to each other around self-appointed leaders, rather than to one another in Jesus. This is another bad habit that desperately needs to be broken.
A Meeting
If there’s one thing that describes Christians in the western world, it is this: we are very meeting-centered. People judge a “church” by the “Sunday show.” Along with the music, the sermon is judged much like a performance on American Idol. We don’t seem to care whether Jesus has knit our hearts with others in real relationship by “joints and ligaments.” If we enjoy the meetings, we then attempt to build relationships within the organization. Isn’t this backwards? Should we not first discover relationships THE LORD has given us, instead of looking for a black cat in a dark room that probably isn’t there anyway?
God is building A PEOPLE relating to reflect His glory, not an organization to simply gather for meetings. This requires we first connect to HIM, and then out of that union of life with Him, we can move on to share His life with others. The problem is, I find that most people (for a variety of reasons) don’t learn first how to relate to their Father. All too often, the result is we don’t fellowship WITH GOD, but simply fellowship with each other, ABOUT GOD.
Running through these three “attractions”; The Message, The Man, The Meeting is a common current: spiritual immaturity. In most cases, participation rarely requires us to operate in functional priesthood. While we’re looking for “the church that will meet our needs,” we fail to find our completeness in CHRIST, leaving us orphaned, (assuming we are not actually spiritually still-born). As a result we go from one religious orphanage to another, looking to others to “bottle feed us,” locking us into what amounts to eternal infancy.
So what is our universal call? In Matthew 6:33 we are told to “seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness . . .” But what does this really mean? I sum it up this way: the kingdom of God is the realm of Jesus’s Lordship and authority, and it is not a one-time event. I am to be in a continual state of aligning with the King. As I am, His righteousness is released. Is that simply being a “good person”, or mere moralism? Absolutely Not! It is humanity living in relational sync with the living God.
The commandments are summed up in loving God and loving others. Did not Jesus say, “By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, that you love one another?” This sends us to “the better way” in 1 Corinthians 13. How is this walked out? We must develop deep bonds of love over time with “one another.” However, our promiscuous floating about, looking for the most charismatic men (people, not gender specific), messages and meetings prevents this?
The real need today, that hasn’t changed over two thousand years, is for us to learn how to love. In my thirty-plus years of church life, it is more apparent to me than ever, that this is not the priority of our religious systems, and if we are honest with ourselves, we will find, it is not really our priority either. If it were, we would spend much more time learning how to love our families, other believers, and neighbors closest to us, instead of “compassing land and sea” to find some “church” or group that’s “doing it right.”
In light of our human proclivity to gravitate toward the path of least resistance and follow the religious crowds, my appeal is simply this: try spending a month of Sundays simply seeking the Lord ALONE. Don’t go looking for “another church” during that time. Focus on LISTENING, to see what your Father has to say about what is on His heart. Take your cues from Him. I suspect He is unlikely to send you to another franchise or organization, but instead put specific people on your heart: people He may want to disciple you, and/or those He may want you to disciple. When we begin here, we will find the path of BEING the church rather than having, doing, or finding church. After all, did not Jesus promise that He will build His Church? Our call is to seek the kingdom and let Him do the building. We simply abide in Him. In that place religious striving and “church busy work” ends and “doing the works of God” commences. Otherwise, we simply remain what my wife calls “NASCAR Christians,” going really fast, logging mile after mile on an oval track equating speed with progress and busyness with spiritual growth.
So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. (John 5:19 ESV)
We would do well to remember the words of one prophetic voice who spoke to his generation words that are no less true today:
"One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful
organization do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men
make a football team. The first requisite is Life, always." – A. W. Tozer
organization do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men
make a football team. The first requisite is Life, always." – A. W. Tozer
Does this message speak to you on some level? Have you exited the institutional church, or thought about it? We'd love to hear from you … please share your story in the comment box below!
Vince and Debbie Coakley graciously allowed me to reprint this article.
Vince has his own blog at http://calltorevolution.blogspot.com/ where it is written: "The gospel declares that man's hope is not to be found in evolution but in revolution – revolution that is inward and spiritual." – from "The Radical Christian" by Arthur Wallis.
Our thanks at Team Family Online to Vince and Debbie for allowing us to listen in on their personal dialogue as they discuss what is commonly on the minds of many Christians, who almost dare not voice their thoughts aloud these days.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Susan,
I hope you've been well. I have been advancing cautiously through life. Lol… Limping a little, metaphorically AND literally, and generally blown away by the truth.
I read two great articles today and wanted to comment. Thank you for this site, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm reading about the need to tell one's story. It hasn't felt safe to tell it. I have told bits of it on anonymous hotlines and in therapy and that is good. The truth will set me free. Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed!!
Vince Coakley's words:
SEEK THE LORD rather than repeat another round of futility.
Wow. I started attending a church recently because I am seeking God, the sermons are in that vein, and because I am trying not to isolate from people. I had been there before years ago and had always gotten something out of the sermons. It's obvious the pastor at this church wrestles with God's Word, pores over the Bible, ancient geography books, commentaries, concordances and he makes it personal and relatable. Two weeks ago, after the service, I turned and ended up face to face with this pastor whom I've met and talked to one on one several times. I told him, "I come because I love the sermons." To his credit, he got away from me pretty quickly and I saw (at least part of) what happened clearly. I'm sure he struggles not to get a big head. He is very good at what he does.
I became a Christian at 20 through a church of about 10 very true people. Unfortunately, I quickly started attending the larger, slick "Christian" cult (the "only true, first century church") a friend invited me to. I was in that cult for 2.5 years. A church where everybody smiled with big creepy, unblinking eyes, sang loudly, and hugged eachother all the time. A lot of red flags I missed, but my intuition and new friends (who had been in that church and gotten out) had me on high alert. Finally, I had a conversation with a housemate being groomed for leadership that went like this:
Me: Why does it seem leaders want to make all the decisions for me?
Her: Well, until you show that you can make the right decisions, someone else will make them for you.
!!!!!!! I moved out within the week! I have been seeking those Christians in that first church for 30 years to no avail.
Decades of re-victimization: abusive relationships, jobs…
Back to today: I do NOT believe this church is a cult. However, I do believe humans are prone toward coercive behavior, and when you get a group of them together, especially a group with a common agenda (no matter how worthy it is) the coercion will be through the roof. Unless the agenda is true authenticity (as opposed to feigned authenticity). Billy Joel is right, "honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue."
Well, in the past week since making a renewed effort to connect with people just 2 years out of a relationship with a sociopath, I am feeling a compulsion to pretend to be happy, to pretend I am not struggling, to stand up and sing and wave my hands in the air like I just don't care. Escapism, as in "party hardy like you just don't care." I was bent over in my chair praying about the message, no doubt convicted by the Spirit, and in acute emotional pain, when some total stranger actually bent down and told me "Jesus would be happy if you stood and sang." This was one individual, but I assure you, it's just one example of the call for me to wear a mask. I know there will be tares among the wheat and that's not a reason to judge a whole church. So, I don't. But churches don't see the predators in their midst. (I am thinking with my fingers on the keyboard again.)
I am also being asked to pray for people I don't know anything about, asking God for things that I don't believe in. It feels like an unnatural way to build community and/or friendships.
I am sad at the idea of letting go of this church. I had hopes for being part of a spiritual community. I crave community, and I believe that is a hardwired adaptive human need. It took 50 years to see that certain members of my family are beyond the mere human unintentional coercion, but calculatingly abusive, manipulative, gaslighting… It wasn't until I was with the sociopath that I saw clearly what happened in my family. I am not yet strong enough in myself and my relationship with God to be a (dues paying) member of any group.
I see this as part of telling my story. I plan on piecing these responses together into what will eventually become my story.
Anyway… This is a good article, as is "I Love Him More" which has a similar theme.
Thank you for your articles, your honesty and for providing a space here for me and others from whom I also learn.
From a friend who wants to remain anonymous and can't think of a good name yet. But you know who I am from my email address.
Oh yeah, two weeks ago when I ran face to face with the pastor, I asked him if he knew about sociopaths and he said an emphatic "yeah." He'd preached a sermon which was part of a series on Joseph's family and I couldn't believe what I was seeing in THAT story. A lot of mask wearing. He was explicitly pointing that out! Thankfully, the sermons are online, so I don't need to become a card carrying member to hear them. Still, I am sad. Ecclesiastes 1:18 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.
I’m glad to hear your stories and being anonymous at this point is probably the best thing for you, because it’s often necessary to tell the same stories over and over again until the grief dissipates, the grit has done its work, and we’re left with the pearl… the treasure in the story.
The more I’ve learned, definitely, the more sorrow I’ve born – I can relate!
I believe we’re designed for community, too, but when you’ve experienced the depths of human brokenness, not many people can relate. It’s hard to keep testing faith communities and coming out bruised. Not all of them are a real cult, but they are often places where it’s uncomfortable and/or unwelcome to be real – to be authentic – to be vulnerable. That means we must keep our masks on.
Shame is at the root of it, along with fear… and wherever Shame and Fear are in cohoots, we have CONTROL. It seems to be a pattern everywhere.
I’m about to enter a local church here soon, in my new area. I’m hoping for the best but I’m prepared for the worst. I hate that, really. But it’s a reality.
At least we are more aware of the red flags, right? And when we see, smell, or hear of the evil that lurks behind our Christian masks, we can at least disconnect quicker.
Your stories are always welcome here and I’m glad you’re able to piece them together – big hugs, dear heart!
Hi Susan, Thank you for your encouragement. Yes! More aware of red flags. And, better at listening to God's Spirit within me. I used to say "intuition." I started listening to Gospel of John again this morning. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQ-xbrMecBc
I've been realizing that I started reaching out to people in this church because I want to tell my story to Chrstians and hear Christian perspectives. So far, the woman who prayed with me at the prayer wall shunted me off to the women's leader, I was given a book of prayer by that leader, encouraged to join a group, given another book for discussion purposes, and in the groups 1 meeting so far, we follow the agenda of the book. I had a good feeling about the people I met: that's why I approached them. And, I'm sure it's a good book, but I have actually learned a few things from my ordeal, and I learn by retelling my story, as you say. And, I'm sure I would learn from the stories of the other women. If they would tell them. Maybe it's because people take time to get to know eachother before they feel comfortable enough to share. That's not a bad thing. But… thinking with my fingers again. How do I love people I don't trust? Trust God, listen for His guidance, and believe that he will work things out for my good. Simple, but not easy, especially when faced with slander and persecution! Listeningn to John is helpful. I find listening better than reading. Becoming a fan of the oral tradition. It was interesting to see Jacob listening to Benjamin as he recites the family history in this video on Joseph's story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVy8ywpmy4g I pray God protects you and that He continues to bless you with discernment as you try this new church. God, and His Spirit in you, know what is in man. These are things I pray for myself lately before I go out into the world. Be well, Susan.
The whole Joseph story in 5 parts in case you're interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRTXSnb0CDQ
Thanks! 🙂
I’m glad to meet another woman who listen, thinks, and processes through tapping her fingers on keys. We are on a very similar track, as to what we are processing. It’s certainly harder to love people you don’t trust, isn’t it. I’m relearning this lesson, right now, in fact.
We were taught how to “shunt” people off. It’s a systematic way to protect leadership from people whose needs appear neverending, a “drain” on the system. It’s thought to be a more compassionate way of handling deep needs, as the person with such a deep story needs someone who understands.
I was usually the person who received the hand offs – the people no one else knew what to do with. It caused me to seek God so much harder, for I knew He was not in the business of giving up on people. And yet, I did not know how to help, except to listen – deeply listen with my heart – to each person. I listened to the parts of their stories they could not trust to anyone else, certainly not in a Bible study group or a Sunday school classroom.
I listened to their unfolding stories for years at a time, for that’s often how long it takes to tell a story when you’ve been ritually abused since the womb. So I kept searching for answers. God put me in the path of people who knew and understood such trauma. Each person had a piece of picture, but no one had the full picture.
Today, I have been presented with another piece of the picture…
But you know what? Maybe this is what God really wants… for us to be consumed with knowing Him! So consumed that you keep digging for Truth, layer by layer. Like finding the greatest treasure in the world!
Each person’s naked soul is a treasure in His eyes. Like a trophy hunter, the devil seeks to steal our precious, invaluable soul. But God… no matter how far into enemy territory we stray, He’s right there, too. And maybe that’s the lesson I’ve learned more than anything… and what really matters.
I’ve tried so hard to understand evil, and although I have a good picture of how it works and the results, the red flags, and such…. the human mind is not designed to understand the irrational evil that steals a person’s soul, if it can. All we can do is understand that God holds us together, in Christ. We are One in Him. And if we can get His picture right, then we also have our own. We are One with Him. And that’s really the glue that holds us together in the Darkness when nothing makes sense.
I, too, am thinking as I type here….
Absolutely dead on! I’m glad someone had not only the brains but also the courage to say! I love Vince Coakley!
Thanks, Kevin, for joining us here today! And once again, thanks to the Coakley's for sharing their wisdom and boldness!