October 23, 2010
Thank you for all your help, everyone! I am constantly amazed at the wisdom I receive from the calls and this forum!
Regarding not going with my husband on ministry trips – he has not wanted me to. He repented for "not wanting me in his sandbox" – which he explained was his need to have distance away from me, because he was afraid people would like me better, that I would "preach and teach better" than him.
It wasn't just ministry that separated us – he also didn't want me around him for hobbies, work, or leisure time, for the same reason. He also repented for attempting to derail me in business pursuits, because he feared that if I made too much money I would no longer need him or I would make him look bad because I earned more.
Now that we are almost 1-week out of the intensive atmosphere he has reversed his opinions on abuse (negating his repentance at the intensive), claiming that I have called him a monster by my descriptions of the pain. As of this morning he has begun complaining that I am stopping him from ministry AGAIN.
We are doing the homework and right now reading "Good Husband, Great Marriage" but he questions everything, saying he doesn't feel God is in it. He sounds confused to me. But he's hanging in there and still willing to talk and go through the homework, as long as we do it together.
I have a lot to learn – the marriage intensive answered every single question I've ever thought of and more – but applying all the info is a journey. Knowing how to respond to the child within my husband is challenging because he throws temper tantrums and has a short fuse.
Ministry has been his escape and now he has no escape. Prior to that he had work as an escape, but God removed that as well. He's left with no escape except to heal this marriage. And when that is done, I believe ministry and work will be healthier, more rewarding, and more powerful than ever before.
The part that hurts the most is that he repented for the second time in our lives together at the marriage intensive and it really did heal my heart! But now he's taken it all back and turned it around to blame me for saying he is abusive.
I believe it's fear of what our friends will think when he has to give an explanation for withdrawing from ministry. And that's where the battle is right now – over ministry…. because if I will apologize for confronting him on the abuse and tell him how great he is and he can return to ministry, than all will be well… but if I continue to hold the bar high and demand respect than I don't know which way he will go. He's already told me that if I want a divorce he's happy with that.
The next few weeks will be critical, because I know he's mentally choosing between me and ministry. It's almost like he's got a mistress and he has to decide if he wants her or me. I really don't know which he will choose, but I'm believing and hoping for an outrageously happy marriage because I cannot go backward and will not settle for less than OHM!
I really do see a beautiful treasure inside him – the real husband/man he is… I do believe in him!
Thanks for listening and pouring words of wisdom and healing over my heart!
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Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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Note from the future…
I put in a picture of me haying the horses. I was left alone for up to 3 weeks at a time to fork hay to 100 cows and 30 horses, plus a couple bulls and goats… For a novice, it was a huge responsibility. He left several hay bales at strategic intervals so that I didn't have to move the hay very far, but it was still an incredible feat for someone who had just a few months ago been near death. My body had still not fully recovered.
I had been bleeding for 7 months, non-stop. At times, it was hemorraging, out of control. He had health insurance, but I did not. I didn't get medical attention, and for that some people criticized me. Some called me stubborn, and so I was.
I knew, though, that the root of my illness was emotional trauma. I needed to be touched, to be loved. I used to ask my husband if he could be gentle and tender with me, if he could give me a loving touch.
After all, he was doing that for many other women. I could hear his tender voice and watch him cradle their heads in his hand, rubbing their shoulders.
Some women, nearly swooning, would say to me, "Wow! You get this every day???"
I had to carefully control my features so as not to give away my secret – the secret that my husband gave me the opposite of loving attention.
But I desperately needed it. One day I asked him for the final time, if he could pray for me. I was in deep pain. He said yes and slapped his hand on my forehead saying, "Bam! Be healed in Jesus' Name!"
It felt like being struck by a home invader. In shock, I staggered backward, but not because an anointing. I felt the hatred, as he said to me, "I hate all women, not just you!"
When people ask me, "Why don't you just travel with your husband on ministry trips?" I try to explain to them about the needs of 100 cows and 30 horses, but a lot of times they don't get it. When you are a rancher, you are pretty much glued to your animals. And when you are sick, on top it ranching, I can't even begin to explain to you the exhaustion!
There were so many days when I would be halfway done haying the cows and I felt like collapsing right in the dirt. But I'd talk to myself and say, "Rise up. You can do this!" And I got the cows fed every single time. But it came at a high price.
No one but God knows the price I paid to care for the ranch while my husband was on ministry trips.
Did I mention that I had no transportation while he was away? Did I mention we lived on the edge of the Wind River Reservation and there was nothing around for miles and miles? The nearest town was population 126. No store. No gas station. One restaraunt.
I share pictures at Cowgirl Up
This is the geographical and time context for the marriage forum post on this page.
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