What is a Sociopath?

What is a Sociopath?

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

I was married to a sociopath for 30-years. My marriage counselors told me I was the most abused woman they had ever met. In the course of gaining my freedom I have listened to the life stories of survivors and of sociopaths. Like many other survivors, the information we are providing is helping to equip counselors to deal with the aftermath of a pathological relationship.

The first step to freedom is naming your adversary, and that is what this page is about: Identifying what a sociopath is, how you can know if you are in a relationship with one, and what to expect when you take your first steps to freedom. A relationship with a sociopath is unlike any other relationship and needs special handling.

How can you tell if a person is a sociopath? Here's why it's tricky:

Many sociopaths are considered to be "pillars" of our community: doctors, pastors, lawyers, therapists. You will find one in every 25 people and they look just like you or me. Male or female, sociopaths commonly represent authority figures in our world, especially those in the "trusted" professions like "pastor" or "counselor". 

They are generally popular and the kind of person you want to vote for, whether in politics or church. They appear jovial and kind… as if they are the most caring person on the planet.

What you don't see or know, except behind closed doors, is that they don't really care about anyone but themselves. They are out to destroy you, if they can. You may be very creative and find joy in painting, poetry, or writing stories. They feel jealous of you so they find ways to cut you down. They might say things like, "You could never do ____." Or, "You're not good enough to be ____." The jealousy is rooted in deep insecurity, and only God can heal that wound.

A sociopath will make cutting remarks over and over so that even though you know it's not the truth, you slowly begin to doubt yourself. Gradually you begin to believe their words are true, especially if you live with a sociopath. Your diminished identity causes you to shrink your dreams, passions, and lifestyle, as a result of this level of attack against your core being.

If they've been allowed to get away with bullying you, they will grow bolder and bolder. They might threaten to harm your body, but what you might not realize is that they are already damaging your mind.

They ask a lot of questions, and even though you try to put up boundaries, they will smash down your boundaries with their persistent questions. Sometimes, they will take you for "interrogations" at times when they know you are weak, weary, and more vulnerable.

They need to know everything about you and your friends, too. Their motive is control and manipulation. Information is power. Words are their primary weapon, and all that you confide in them will be used against you.

They may borrow your money and never repay you. They may demand more and more money from you, using their "hard luck" stories to gain your sympathy. They will drain you empty, and turn it around to blame you for the loss.

They prefer to hold the purse strings. A sociopath is normally not very good at managing money. In fact, they may use your name to gain credit, take out loans, and harm your credit rating.

If you risk revealing what is happening to you, they will make your life more miserable. If you try to get away, they may threaten to harm you, or someone you love. It's one of the few promises that they intend to keep.

Sociopaths like to "keep peace" so they will promise and then "forget" or make excuses why they could not keep their promise to you. If you get angry or sad about how you are being treated, they will tell you that you misunderstood them, you're hyper-sensitive or you got it all backwards.

They will say things to make you feel like you are crazy. That's what is called gaslighting.

For example, your purse is missing, but you know you left it on the dresser in your bedroom upstairs. You ask everyone in the family to please help you find your purse. You thoroughly look through your bedroom, starting with the dresser. It's not there. A half-hour later, after everyone has been searching the house from top to bottom, the sociopath points to the bedroom and announces, "Your purse is on the dresser – didn't you see it?" In reality, the sociopath took the purse and later returned it to its place. The motive is to make you feel and look crazy.

They will act totally the opposite with other people, as they behave with you.

To other people they display their charming personality, going out of their way to help others. With other people around, they will even treat you special. They will be very sweet, and other people may exlaim how lucky you are to be with this person!

They will use your own family against you in devious ways – ways in which your family will think YOU are the one being unreasonable.

If you leave a sociopath, they may write letters using kind and forgiving language. They will share these letters with close friends, so that everyone knows how wonderful and willing they are to work on the relationship. You will be perceived as the one who is unreasonable and unwilling to preserve the relationship.

They love to play the martyr, and will portray themselves as the victim! They are persuasive and convincing actors. They make weak women swoon with their fake passionate devotion to you. They are already prospecting for their next victim, long before you realize it.

Even good people will appear to understand why the "martyr" must move on! You are "dead weight" to this marvelous human being.

You know the truth – that what they do and say is all for show. And a good show it is. Sometimes you believe them, even when you know better. The illusion is that good – I mean, it's really, really good!

At this point, with all the evidence against you and the sway of popular opinion, you may doubt your own sanity. In reality, your frontal lobe is increasingly being damaged. Your thinking is foggy and it's growing harder to make decisions.

Neuroscience helps to explain the physical aspects of why in the world we stay with these sociopaths! Your brain is addicted to the incredible high of being in their presence. Their toxic "love" is like heroine and you crave it.

You never felt so loved as in the beginning of your relationship with the sociopath. If only you could do or say something that would bring back the love! But it never was love. It was a sickness.

Sociopaths play "The Game" well. Like a cat toying with a mouse, they will toss you a tidbit of Hope. They will give you a "fix" of that love you so desire. It may last a week or even a few months! It will feel like a honeymoon! But then they revert to torturing your mind again.

Verbal assualts and emotional grendades that shred your soul until you are nothing but a shell of your former self.

After a few cycles like this you may feel shattered, as if you are dead inside. You sit amidst the jagged shards of your brokenness, a bleeding mess. You have no one to talk to, because no one understands.

Sociopaths are sick people. Their brains are physically different than yours. They cannot feel the harm they are doing – it does not affect them. They can only pretend to feel. They can only mimick being a true human.

One sign of this is "parroting". Their voice is like an echo of what others have said. They often don't have any original ideas or thoughts of their own. My ex-husband used to "harvest" my soul by pretending to be interested in what God was teaching me. Later, I would hear him using my own words in a sermon or in counseling someone, but giving me no credit. It's not the credit I wanted… it's just that year after year, you realize he has no interest in you except to prey on your soul… to harvest every bit of life out of you. Sometimes you just want to die, because it feels hopeless. No one around you understands!

"The Perfect Prey" is the story of one such relationship, that ended in death.

Sociopaths are sub-humans or what I call demon-possessed or extremely oppressed. It is possible for them to change, but very rare. It takes a crucifixion – they must choose to die to themselves. Their hearts must soften, at some point, to let Love and Truth – like Light – penetrate the darkness of all the lies. Just know, that you cannot possibly love them enough… you must get away, if you can. It's their opportunity to see the Truth. Our "love" too often shadows the doorway of their escape from hell.

Here are "10 Red Flags You May Be Marrying A Sociopath" if want to help yourself or someone you know be safe. If you're already married, and you question if the relationship is pathological, in "Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?" I have listed some diagnostic questions you can ask yourself. If you believe you've been duped into a pathological relationship, I've written "Create Your Own Jailbreak" to give you some tips on what to expect in breaking free.

When children are involved, that's the most painful:

One small example (trigger warning): A sociopath often used to leave candy on my bed – my favorite kind. My children would see this as "love". Dad "loves" mom – they see the tangible evidence. They see Dad hugging mom, and mom squirming at his touch. What they don't see or hear, is that just prior to leaving candy on the bed for me, he has been describing my death in gory detail, and how enjoyable it would be put a bullet in the back of my head and watch my my body drop into a nearby rock quarry.

Hopefully not for you, but some of us have faced the loss of our children. I was the silent accomplice to his deception, as I tried to shield the worst from the children, becoming the "shock absorber".

A sociopath paints his own self-portrait on you, projecting the image for all to see and agree that you are evil…. or crazy… or a heretic, if you don't keep silent and play the game. Likewise, we also project our self-portrait onto our sociopath spouses: We falsely assume they that if we can somehow manage to convey enough love, enough "reason" that they will begin to understand how we feel and stop the abuse. Nope, it never works!

The best thing you can do is to cut ties with someone like this, as cleanly and permanently as possible. The problem is, you likely have a "trauma bond" and your mind is chemically addicted. You're going to need some help!

The sociopaths in our lives may seem to get away with the rape and murder of our souls, but God is very angry with what is happening. Though it may seemed delayed, this is what is promised you:

• You get twice as many blessings as the problems the sociopath created for us. We are avenged of the wrongs.
• You get twice as much restored to us as was stolen.
• You are honored, nurtured, and restored in the presence of your enemies (Psalm 23).

If you look at God's justice system, which is based on righteousness, there is no doubt that your reward is coming to you.

Listen to David in 2 Samuel 22:

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he compensated me because of my innocence."

I don't have time or space in just one blog post to share with you all the Hope there is for you, but I can tell you with confidence that you can be totally FREE! It's the storytellers who are helping to create the quickest escape route. Even doctors and therapists are learning from the survivors of sociopathic abuse today.

I will share you with a few of the same resources that helped me to recover my life:

• The Neuroscience Behind Pathological Love Relationships (Why We are Chemically Addicted to Abusers) (Dr. Rhonda Freeman)

• The Princess Warrior Prayer by Kimberly Dimick

• Why is the Christian Abuser the Worst Kind of Abuser (Pastor Jeff Crippen)

• What Does the Bible Say about Sociopaths?

• Does a Sociopath Have a Heart?

• How to Help Avoid Marriage to a Sociopath – Covenant Love Process

If you've read this page all the way down to here, thank you. It's not easy talking about pathological relationships, but the more this darkness is explosed, the greater our power to release the captives.

We have enough victims; the world needs more champions, and that is why I write… because it's the right thing to do… because you never know what change-maker your story will ignite. I hope that catalyst for change will be you!

My Full Story     What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  

Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.

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Tagged as: "Love from Papa" Series, Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Real People Real Stories, Rewriting the Future, True Religion Speaks, Writing a Life Story