Silence the Abused – Cover up the Crime

Silence the Abused –  Cover Up the Crime

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

I was married to a sociopath for two decades. We were active Christian leaders and from all outward appearances we were "normal". That's the scariest part about sociopaths – they look like normal Christians. Like tares in a wheat field, they blend in perfectly.

We lived and worked within the closed system of our faith. Most of our friends and family were inside the closed system and through repetitious sermons it was reinforced to us that the "world outside" was a dangerous place.

The "Us-Versus-Them" Mentality Keeps Many Victims Locked Up Inside Closed Systems of Control

It was easy to know what was dangerous, because my husband and I had graduated from a Christian college where the boundaries were constantly reinforced. Cards, dice, hair the wrong length, R-rated movies, rock music, dresses too far above your knees, smoking, drinking, cussing, and sharing a bed before you're married were some of our no-no's.

Being present in church a minimum of three times a week assured that we would be hearing those rules often enough to have the desired effect of an "us-versus-them-syndrome". It was visually apparent who was a believer and who was "of the world".

Our church was on fire for the Lord, and because I was working 60-80 hours a week on our church staff, overseeing the youth, children, and prayer departments, I was given a lot of praise for our church doubling in size; most of that growth was in the youth ages 18 and under. But my image was about to dramatically change, once I began "speaking up".

It began in the church office when all was quiet, and I began thinking, "Something is wrong; something is missing, and it's right at the core of what we're doing." One day it became startlingly clear what was wrong, and I began to speak up about it.

At home, I was feeling the same, only more so. It was to the point that my husband was threatening to mutilate my body and put a bullet in my head. (All of this was described in graphic detail, on several occasions, always behind closed doors.) He would usually follow up with this mantra:

"Sue, you haven't done anything wrong. There's just something inside me that wants to hurt you. But don't worry, I've got it under control."

I wanted to believe him and because he cried and seemed truly repentant I forgave him, believing that love overcomes all evil. Like most Christians, I had had no training in abuse tactics and I didn't understand that biblical due process never works with sociopaths.

He was having affairs and mishandling finances, but what was worse is that he called it all, "The Game".

Like many abusers, he had moments when he "confessed" his sins. One day he explained to me that it was all a game that everyone plays. There are two sides, just like most games, and on one side are the oppressors and on the other side are the oppressed. To an abuser, those are the only two options: hurt or be hurt. Survival of the fittest. "Grace" is not the answer, in confronting abusers.

Grace become evil's accomplice. 

Church leaders need to be educated about domestic violence among Christians. 

The Christian abuser is the worst.

Even Pat Robertson on the 700 Club has been known to protect abusive husbands, as recorded on video at this page. There are been very few places for an abused Christian woman to turn to, for help, until recently. I had no help at all, for nearly 20 years.

My husband said, "No one will ever see your pain. I can hurt you all I want without a scratch and no one will ever believe you. It's much more satisfying to rip out your heart than to hit your body. Anyone can throw a woman's body around, but it's a bigger challenge to kill her spirit in such a way that she will be blamed."

The abuse had been escalating over the course of years, and it was taking a toll on my body as well as my heart. When I try to share this story with non-Christians it's hard for them to understand why I didn't reach out for help or just leave. All I can tell you is that it was a result of all the "programming" – years of sermons – that caused me to feel it was appropriate to follow the church's proper channels.

Our pastor's wife "forgave" her husband for an ongoing affair with the nanny, and there were no consequences for him, even when he confessed his affair with church leadership. That's just the way things were, and the message to wives was explicitly clear. Forgive and move on.

But one day at work I was crying and couldn't stop crying. It was his day off, but my pastor suddenly appeared in the office. I ended up telling him everything.

When my pastor heard about what was happening at home, he was livid! He called my husband in to the office, verifying the facts were true, and then he dismissed my husband from his office as treasurer "until he learned to love his wife". For awhile it felt like after all those years I had a champion in my corner, but that's when things got even uglier. My pastor, under the guise of "counseling" used the information he received from me to attempt to seduce me. In the meantime, things went from worse to impossible, at home.

Fleeing from that situation felt kind of like Joseph running from Potiphar's wife, and then getting blamed for it anyway. Of course, I lost my job but the worst part was how the pain devastated our children.

Once you leave a closed system, it's like you disappear off the face of the planet. The friends I had known for the past 12-years – the mothers who we had shared raising our children with – silence from all sides!

We silence the abused and cover up the crime.

From that point on, I determined to keep everything "in the Light" so when we found our next church I told the pastor everything that had happened, keeping nothing hidden. He promised to help. The abuse at home continued to escalate. I never felt safe and was constantly on guard. Church leaders just weren't equipped to fight this level of evil.

After several more years I finally went outside the system to get help. I began to learn about cults from a whole different point of view. We had had a lot of cult teaching – pointing fingers at Mormons and other religious systems – but we never looked at what we, ourselves, were doing and recognized that what we were was an evangelical charismatic Christian cult. (I'm not saying that all evangelicals, all charismatics, or all Christians are a cult, but that there are more closed system cult-type churches than many of us realize.)

That's when all hell broke loose. My pastor called me into his office and said to me, "Sue, I'm ashamed of you! Why can't you have more grace?"

He pointed to another abused woman, whose husband was a sex addict, alcoholic, rapist, and child molester, and he said to me, "Why can't you be more like Kathy?" (Name changed to protect her identity.)

Next, he said something I'll never forget. "You have to choose. Either you listen to the counselors you've been going to or you listen to me. You can only have one pastor. And if you don't want me as a pastor, this is our final conversation. You will not be allowed inside our church and you are never to contact me again."

It shocked me. But I had had far too many conversations with my other counselors and I knew I had to leave. It would be seven years before I heard teaching on proper biblical submission and true grace.

Silence the abused – cover up the crime.

Shortly afterward, the pastor called an emergency meeting, to which I was not invited. I had two friends who shared with me, independently of each other, what happened at the meeting. One friend told me, "Sue, we've been told that you are a dangerous person and that none of us should talk to you. What's happening??"

Later, another friend appeared and said Pastor had taken him aside and apologized for my behavior, telling my friend to choose between him and me. And that if he chose to support me he would be banned from the church.

My own children were told that I was mentally ill, unstable, and that I had hypnotized people into believing things that were untrue. They accused me of using mind control, even, and convinced my children that I was crazy. All in loving, caring, let-me-help-you-to-recover-from-this-horrible-tragedy terms.

If an abuse victim speaks up, the "us-versus-them" mentality automatically compartmentalizes her OUT of the "us" and into the "them". There are only two sides in an abusive reality.

Abusers cover for other abusers. Abusers project their own image onto you, accusing you of what is happening in their own lives. I didn't know this then. The shame and helplessness were overwhelming. I cried night and day for hours at a time.

My counselor, who specialized in deprogramming, began to teach me from the book of Galatians what freedom and grace really look like. He never taught me what to think, but rather showed me how to think for myself.

It took many years for me to begin to recover. It was the storytellers who saved my life.

There are some people who stand as mighty beacons of light – like light houses next to a stormy sea. They simply tell stories. They don't tell you what to think or what to do. Their story is their testimony, and we overcome the world by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony.

The best thing we can do is to LISTEN ATTENTIVELY to the stories survivors are sharing. Just listen. Put duct tape over your mouth, if necessary.

Don't race to cast out demons, break curses, and correct what appears to you as faulty thinking. I've had that happen, too, and it's DEVASTATING! They were trained ministers with a well known international inner healing ministry, but they had absolutely no knowledge of mind control or sociopathic abuse.

Not all counselors understand how to help a cult survivor who has been deeply traumatized. Most pastors and counselors do not understand, at best, and at worst, aid the abuser and blame the victim.

Some very nice Christian people said to me, "Sue, we love your husband!" That's the thing about sociopaths – they are charming, popular, and believable!

Those were the scariest words of all and because I greatly admired and respected these Christian ministers. I realized I would receive no true help or support from them. I left Christianity entirely, for several years, as a direct result.

A few people did get the courage to contact me, years later. In every case, their primary concern was, "Are you in a church now?" The shame burned in me for years, but what it burned was not my soul but the very programming that needed to go up in smoke! Sometimes pain is a gift.

When they heard I wasn't in a church that meets in a building kind of church, they gracefully ended the call and I never heard from them again. I never understood why until I began hearing advice like this: "Be careful of the wounded Christians outside of church. They are full of toxic waste due to bitterness and anger. Don't get too close or you'll be contaminated by them."

It's just more of the "us-versus-them-syndrome"… which is probably the clearest sign you are part of a cult.

What has helped me the most to begin to thrive, not just survive, but to thrive is learning to "move in the opposite" direction.

The world is inside of us, inside all of our systems (political, religious, education, etc) just as the Kingdom of God is inside of us. The battle front is in our minds.

Shame, Fear, and Control are the generals of the world's system. Christ is the captain of the Lord's army. Our thoughts and words are missiles and swords, bombs and grendades.

The most important "move in the opposite direction" is to break our silence. In telling our stories we break the Shame Barrier!

I believe God is raising up Dread Champions, like David's Mighty Men, from the survivors of sociopathic abuse. We've been trained in the desert. We've been behind enemy lines.

Thousands of years ago God put into place a plan to save every family – every man, woman, and child. It's called "The Avengers". We get payback – a double portion. It's our inheritance that every abuse is turned into something Good.

We're not just here on earth to survive, but to thrive.

In writing our stories, we are breaking the shame barrier. Instead of silence, we are getting our voices back. Instead of cover up, we are exposing. Instead of cowering, we are gaining the courage to confront evil forces. Not by blaming and shaming, as our abusers do, but by using our inheritance to rewrite our future and to create our world.

Instead of ______ (fill in the blank with whatever has been stolen from you – peace, reputation, relationships, etc), you get ______ (fill in the blank with what you believe God has in store for you).

This is our inheritance as servants of the Lord, children of God. We are His peacemakers. We cry out for justice. We rescue victims. We go after the one who was shunned and abandoned. We doctor the wounds.

The Kingdom of Heaven is within you, but it's a narrow gate to pass through the entrance. We must become like children – not like experts – but like little children.

Don't be afraid you'll never be normal again. Instead, be glad for the pain, for you're about to get an "Instead of"!

Because you got a double dose of trouble
    and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
    and your joy go on forever. – Isaiah 61:7

Nothing changes unless we change. The Word of God, a sword in your hand, is "living and active and sharper than a double-edged sword…."

Passivity is your worst enemy. Faith is active or it dies. Faith is using God's Word to tell a story that creates a better world.

You mission, if you choose to accept it, is to write your own story. Invest what you learned into something that will bless the next generation. Write down the "intead of's" and let's write ourselves into a better world!

My Full Story     What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

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Tagged as: Choosing Love Today, Create Your World, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Living With a Sociopath, New Family Legacy, On the Way Home, Unbuckle Your Christianity