Let Me Hear Your Roar!
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
Lying next to my husband in bed after a long day of homeschooling our three little ones, plus running my own business from home (i.e. being the one-woman assembly line of creating Victorian lace bears!), my husband began reciting all of my faults. From top to bottom, I was doing nothing right, in his eyes.
I had tried defending myself, speaking up for myself, and pleaded with him to just stop. He chuckled and the verbal assault escalated in intensity. Defiantly I choked back hot tears threatening to spurt out from the bottled up place inside. Anger was dangerous, so kept it at bay by withdrawing inward, silently worshiping God.
Nothing changed, at first, but about 15-minutes into his raving rant, a radiant being appeared in our bedroom. My husband did not notice the quiet entrance of this Person and continued his one-sided tirade.
It was invisble to my natural eyes, but nevertheless, there was Someone standing at the one o'clock in our bedroom! I'm sure I would have fainted or even died if I had seen this being with my natural senses.
I sensed He had arrived at the sound of my silent worship and that we could communicate while my husband's verbal assault continued unabated. I cried, "You see what is happening. Why do You not stop it!!!" A silent scream erupted from somewhere deep inside, but as always, I managed to keep it bottled "safely" up. My family depended on me to be the shock absorber, the peacekeeper.
In response, I sensed this Being point, and as I followed its direction, I sensed the Presence saying, "Don't look at your husband, look beyond him." So I looked across my husband's broad chest as he was lying prone next to me, and my inner eyes caught sight of an ugly assassin who was aiming his toxic words, like flaming arrows, at my chest. He was using my husband simply as a puppet. I could feel the crushing weight of the cruel worlds and the fiery sting as they penetrated my spirit.
Suddenly I understood why my husband and I could not communicate like normal people.
All of the self-help books on my shelf were of no use in this kind of relationship, I realized, so I said to my husband, "I cannot talk to you right now. You are irrational. When you come back to your senses, we can talk." My mind was suddenly thinking more clearly and quickly than ever before, and although the shining, peaceful figure at one o'clock in the room could not stop the violence, he was showing me how to escape.
The torment immediately stopped. My husband suddenly stopped talking. I thought maybe he had fallen asleep when a few silent minutes had passed.
My heart was pumping wildly. It was like a monster was sitting on my chest and it hurt so badly already tears were streaking down my cheeks. I wanted to pray. Maybe the radiant being would stay!
Slipping silently out of our bedroom I sat down on the living room sofa, pushing the play button on my cassette player. David Meece's song, from his album "There I Go Again" began softly playing. In the quiet, my soul basked in the peace of "Help Me Stand" and gradually a soothing relief flooded my being with peace. I could not longer sense the radiant being, but I felt God's presence in my heart as I sang silently with the cassette player.
In the night
When the only thing my spirit can see
Is the shattered and decaying debris
Of dreams-that I've lost
And the light
Reveals enemies I thought were my friends
Criticizing all I live to defend
How can I go on?
CHORUS:
Help me stand
When it's more than I can do
Not to fall
Jesus hear my call
Help me stand
When adversity's on every hand
And I've done all I can
Help me stand…Help me stand.
The song had not finished when the bedroom door crashed open and my husband angrily punched the off button, demanding I return to bed. It was no use to argue, so I returned, soaking my pillow in tears, trying to muffle any sound.
At that time, I didn't know anything about abuse cycles, gaslighting, smear campaigns, Stockholm Syndrome, and all the other subjugation techiniques that I've since learned over a period of many years of good counsel. All I had was God. And He was faithful to guide me to freedom, especially at night, in my dreams.
Like the one I wrote below, where I am alternately an observer and the victim in the dream. I call the dream character, "Laura" because although I realize she is me, I also know that this ongoing nightly journey to freedom was given to me to help empower other women to escape. Perhaps in reading my story, they will know there is always a way out. The meaning of the name Laura is Victorious One. 🙂
The Dream…
No one heard her muffled cries but him. He told her it would always be that way. And then he grinned, one side of his mouth twisted upward – but it held no warmth and made Laura shiver.
A second later she was pinned to the cold, hard ground, overwhelmed by his seemingly superhuman strength. Laura discovered she was not as powerless as she had thought, for suddenly she became aware of shears grasped firmly in her right hand. Nearly breathless from his crushing weight, she stabbed him deep into his thigh. With a rage fueled by 20-years of subservience to this monster, she threw the beast forcefully off her chest and his body crashed down into the ravine, her surpise attack taking him completely by surprise. She was no longer the "submissive" wimp he had known her to be, all those years. She had gotten guts somewhere.
Stunned at her victory, Laura raced to the road, dodging branches as she fled to the highway, grateful her feet knew the way, because her heart and mind were already numb from shock.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
I woke up from this dream feeling empowered, like a surprise victory had already taken place and that my marriage was no longer a place where I would be mercilessly attacked. Something during the night shifted, in my mind and heart.
I discovered my dream life closely paralleled and mirrored by conscious life, supplying me with an uncanny wisdom that would fuel my journey to freedom. My first major escape to freedom was just up ahead – I could feel it in my bones. My whole being began to vibrate and hum in the frequency of freedom.
That's the power of a story. Whether in a dream or in a book. A story changes you from the inside out.
Women are rising up today. We are becoming empowered, like never before in history, and Scripture is being fulfilled in this day and age. The Scripture from Genesis 3:15 is coming into our time – a day when men and women, working together as partners, in spiritual unity, will crush the enemy's head.
And I will cause hostility between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring. He will strike your head, and you will strike his heel." – Genesis 3:15
As we share our stories, we are crushing our own enemy's head, setting ourselves and our families free. As we worship, pray, cry out for justice, God is responding. We draw near to Him and He draws near to us.
Submit, therefore, to God Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. – James 4:7-8
Perhaps God doesn't stop all the external bad things from happening because He wants to first be victorious from inside of us. Changed from the inside out, there's a lioness arising from within us, and we are stronger than we think.
Poverty, fear, abuse… whatever has been holding you back, it's time to release your roar, to reclaim your territory – to get your life back. We are co-authors with God of the story of our lives, and if a any point we don't like our story, it's time to change. It's time to shine. It's time to rise up.
Let me hear your ROAR!
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With all my love,
Sue
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