Walking With the Wise: What My Parents Taught Me About Marriage

What Did Your Parents Teach You About Marriage?

By: Ronke Alao

Our parents are usually our first teachers. They teach us to talk, eat, walk and brush our teeth. Some of these things, we learned not because they organized a class and  taught us how to walk. We learned mostly by watching them. If you grew up in  a home where your parents ate with their toothbrush and cleaned their teeth with a spoon, chances are you grew up thinking that was normal. They are our first role models. Recently, I did some deep inward thinking about my thoughts and views about marriage and the role of husband and wife. I was surprised to see how much of that was reflected in my parents' relationship.

My parents got married in the late sixties but they were not your typical African couple at the time. My mom was a school teacher and my dad an independent contractor. As the youngest child of the family, I didn't get to 'know' my mom as a teacher because she had become a business woman when I was growing up. She traveled to Asia and Europe to buy goods that she shipped home for resale. I simply called them 'goods' because I could write a whole book on what mommy sold- flowers, gift items, children's clothes,fabrics, ceramics, toys, shoes, bags, sewing machines-you name it. I often joke the only thing she never sold was cars. She was a strong entrepreneur. For as long as I could remember, my dad always had an office in the home. I have memories of my dad traveling on business trips while my mom stayed home and I also have memories of my mom traveling 'abroad' as my brothers and I called it. It really didn't matter to me as a child what country it was. As long as it was 'abroad', I could expect chocolates, grapes, apples, cheese and stuff people ate in 'abroad' that were not readily available at home. So what did all this teach me in marriage?

1.  There Is Room To Pursue Your Passions And Dreams Even In Marriage

At a time when it wasn't very popular for a married woman to be hugely successful without raising some eyebrows, my mom did it. She did it with the support of her husband.She built a huge business out of our home buying directly from manufacturers/factories in Asia and Europe. Business was her passion and she excelled. Not until I grew up did I know that some men could be uncomfortable with their wives earning an income.

2. Men Can Cook Too
My mom was queen of the kitchen but there were times she was out of the country for two or three weeks and my dad would do the cooking. My brothers learnt how to cook and clean too so I never grew up thinking women and girls were to clean and cook by themselves while men and boys were only to throw their dirty dishes five feet away from the sink.

3. It's About Partnership
There were times my mom traveled and my dad would be home or my dad would travel and mom would be home. Though they were both busy, we kids never felt neglected. They worked well as partners such that the home front didn't suffer. I remember been a 6year old with math problems in school and my mom coached me after school until my grades went up. I think this experience birthed a desire in me to be a mom who would be very involved in her children's lives.

4. It's About For Better Or ….Worse
There is a saying in Nigeria about modern marriages that is supposed to be funny. It is "for better for stay, for worse for GO". Meaning couples stay together when things are better and split when things go sour. Not my parents. My mom started having health issues even before I started high school. By the time I was in college, she'd had a stroke that had affected her speech and she also lost control  of some bodily functions. She could no longer run her business or drive. It was a difficult time for the entire family. We saw our lively energetic mom  unable to do much for herself. Most of her business clients disappeared into the thin air. Some of them owing her huge amounts of money. The blessing was even though she could barely talk and we didn't always know what was in her mind, she never lost the sparkle in her eyes. My dad stood by her through it all. He drove her to doctor appointments and would get her dressed in the morning during periods I was away in college. Even though there were times we had aides in the house to help, my dad would get her dressed in the morning before he headed for his office.

"For better or for worse…in sickness and in health" was not just a catch phrase to me. I saw my parents live it.

5. Showing Affection Towards Your Spouse In Front Of Your Children Is Huge
As a young child, I never really saw my parents hug or kiss. I just knew they loved each other. Perhaps it was a cultural or generational thing, parents just didn't hug or kiss in front of their children. I don't know if it was viewed as improper but give me a break, kids see that on T.V all the time. When they don't see their parents even hold hands talk less of kiss, they might think the parents are from out of space or something. I firmly believe that when parents show affection towards each other, it provides a safe environment for the children. Some sense of security. Well, I can tell you my parents were not from out of space. As my mom became physically challenged, I saw love in action. Not only in my dad's caring for her but coming home at the end of the day and kissing her. For someone who didn't see much of that growing up, you have no idea how much of an impact that had on me. It warmed my heart to say the least. Even though I was already an adult, it made me feel very safe and I looked forward to marrying a man who would love me as much. It thought me unconditional love.

I can not say that my parents never had challenges in their marriage. They did for sure, but they left me a legacy and created an expectation of what to look forward to in marriage.

What are your thoughts and view about marriage? How much of that came from watching your parents? Do you think trust in marriage is a myth because of what you've witnessed in your parent's marriage? Do you have misgivings about marriage because of your parents' relationships? Are you trying to right the wrongs of your parents' marriage and in the process ruining yours? Think about it.

If you haven't learned the best of marriage lessons from your parents let me tell you that there is yet hope. We have the ability to unlearn destructive mindset and habits. First, forgive your parents if they haven't exemplified what marriage is supposed to be. Not everyone goes into marriage well equipped to handle it's challenges and poor teachers only produce poor students. Know that whatever they taught or did not teach you can only negatively affect your future relationships if you allow it.

Make a decision to be a great example of a great marriage to your own children. You can infuse strength and a new life into future generations by the decisions you make today.

  

Ronke Alao left her family behind and relocated to the United States from Nigeria. She struggled with fitting in  and lacked confidence at first. Having being through moments of uncertainty, doubt and not fitting in herself, she is able to bring compassion and understanding to the table when she speaks to others. Her passion is to help instill confidence and a healthy self esteem in other women so they can live a fulfilling and rich life. She just released her new E-book-Embracing The Real You. Download yours for free–>>  Embracing The Real You

Tagged as: New Family Legacy, Real People Real Stories, Writing a Life Story