Moonlight Escape
By: Susan Schiller
Previous WeWriWa Snippets: Willing to Slay Moonlight Escape, Part 1
Thanks so much to those who visited me last weekend – I'm learning so much from your feedback. You give me the courage to keep writing and your amazing feedback helps me to know what works and what doesn't. THANKS!
Dark descended fast once the last pale rays of sunset winked out behind the mountains. Laura, dressed only in blue jeans, maroon sweatshirt, and Reeboks was wet and shivering and scared out of her wits, but reckless courage wasn't just for soldiers on foreign battlefields and she was prepared to stand her ground. A sudden blast of icy wind blew the long dark curls out of Laura's eyes and she ran harder, no longer worried about making noise as she sprang down the graveled road.
The storm had moved in fast, as if anxious to carry her on its wind far away from the spot lights of the Rock Creek Center, while cloaking her escape with inky black clouds that now shrouded the moon. Thunder echoed distantly in the hills but she barely heard the din above the pounding of her own heart.
If it wasn't the threat of wolves, mountain lions, and grizzlies who regularly roamed the woods, it was the substantial bounty rewarded to locals for the recapture of runners that made escape nearly impossible.
The directors at Rock Creek understood well that most people rarely see beyond the appearances of things, and that a school with no fences, no open surveillance, and no barbed wire looked every bit as benign and welcoming in person as it's ornate pictures in national magazines. Although her chances of escape were slim to nothing, Laura knew deep inside she was born for this and with every tortured breath she chanted, "I will be free!"
To be continued…
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This is a true story from my blog that I'm slowly rewriting into fiction. Laura, whose name means "Victorious One," is dreaming in this segment, and discovering that her dream life closely parallels and links to her conscious life, supplying her with uncanny wisdom that fuels her journey to freedom. Thank you for any wisdom or guidance you may have – I appreciate you reading! I look forward to reading your snippet!
The 8-Sentence Weekend Writing Warriors Blog-Hop Challenge: Each week, participants sign up HERE at WeWriWa, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST. Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage–all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this! From one writer to another… keep up the good work, as I know you will. The last time gave me chills thinking of your life… 🙂 Peace be to you and go share that special story that only you have! Blessings through our Mighty Creator.
That was supposed to say "last line"
🙂
What a blessing you are, Jessica – sending a hug to you right now – thanks!
Very good snippet and I really love the way it ended.
Thanks for visiting here, Kayci – I appreciate you!
Susan, you've taken me back to that "place" where I am curled up, as a teenager, on my bed in my parents' house, "lost in a good story".
Lovely snippet. Can't wait for the next.
I love your writing style.
Thanks
Oh good, at first I thought when you said, “you’ve taken me back to that ‘place’… I thought perhaps you might have had to escape to freedom, so I’m glad it was snuggly, ‘lost in a good story’ place, and I’m so honored and blessed to hear you say that – thanks so much, Yetunde!
WoW oh WoW Susan, I am intrigued and want to read more. This is good. Keep at it. You had my attention from beginning to the end. I could feel the tension and the suspense. I even think my heart beat a little bit faster. Way to use the power of words to draw the reader into the tale!!!
Fiction isn't a writing form with it I am very comfortable, but you are inspiring me to think differently about how to share the story.
I think of CS Lewis, Madeleine L’Engle, George MacDonald, and so many other fiction writers who have written the “hard truths”, the basic truths, the loving truths, all through fiction. Their writing has forever changed my worldview, my theology, my very heartbeat.
Although, like you, Marvia, I’m not comfortable in writing fiction (yet!) I have such a desire to create a world with my words that I’m daring to stretch outside my comfort zone. Sometimes you can’t speak the truth with logic alone, it’s like you must infuse it with story, for story travels right into our hearts, charges our emotions, and even affects the chemical structure of our brains. Your comment is forcing me to identify my “why” …. and I really needed that, Marvia – thanks!!!
You reel readers in immediately each time, then get them comfortable in the stride (albeit frantic) of the narrative, then throw them an unexpected turn (escaping from a school, not some closed institution). Great work, Sue!
Your words always change something for the better in my writing, Sharon, and I greatly value your feedback!
Totally love your Moonlight Escape, just wondering if the fiction version makes the Story less powerful.
Wish I could write like you 🙂
Gertraud
That’s a good thought, Gertraud – I appreciate peering through your lens… you have great intuition!
This is getting better and better, I never thought that she would be escaping from a school. Really nice settings here.
Learning from your wisdom and the help of the other WeWriWa writers is helping me learn this craft, little by little – thank you so much, Linda!
The building intensity combined with intriguing bits about this menacing school and reward for capture — a great way to keep your reader turning the page!
Sam, thanks so very much! I’m new to writing fiction and I appreciate your feedback very much!
Great job setting the scene. The mention of "runners" really piqued my curiosity too:)
It’s interesting to see through other’s eyes, Eleri, and I really thank you for this insight – thanks!
Excellent Susan. Great visuals. I'm scared for her! I totally feel her fear mixed with excitment. Powerful 8 right there!
It means so much to me that you’ve visited and shared feedback, Cindy – thanks so much!
The storm in the background intesifies the flight as well as helps to hide her. She does seem brave and running for her life.
Thanks, Carol… yes, she’s running for her life, but more so, for someone else very special… for several people, really. If it weren’t for them, she would not have had the courage!
This "story" is terrifying, made even more so because it's based on true events. You've got me reeled in! Excellent excerpt. KEEP WRITING! 🙂
Thanks, Teresa… your “KEEP WRITING!” will reverberate in my head all day today, because I need it to – thanks so much! 🙂
Great imagery! And my heart is with her as she's racing toward freedom. 🙂
Thanks so much, Donna – I appreciate you!
Lovely imagery, and I felt a shock when I realized why she was running. Nice 8.
It's impossible, it seems, for a writer to feel things like that… so this is amazing feedback – thanks, Elaine!
Ooo, that was fantastic! Loved the description and detail. Felt her emotion. Great 8!
Karen, you’ve really encouraged me – thanks so much!
Whoa, soon as you mentioned recapturing runners, everything amped up in tension. Very descriptive!
Thanks so much, Lila, for helping me to see through objective eyes!
My first thought was how was she running in Crocs, in the dark, without murdering herself? Those aren't good athletic shoes, are they?
Excellent tension, nice description, definitely makes me want to read more.
This is a tiny thing, but you're using "it's" wrong–"its" (no apostrophe) is possesive, and "it's" is a contraction of "it is."
Thanks so much, Caitlin… I always seem to make that mistake with “its” – I’m glad for the reminder!
She was able to escape at the last minute, and so could not change clothes, but I see how it doesn’t make sense in this snippet. I will change this, because it’s great advice – THANKS!
Fascinating – I remember this story from last week and it's highly intriguing. you just keep ramping up the tension for us. Well done snippet! (But the numbers are really distracting LOL.)
Ah, that’s great feedback, Veronica – and I’ll be sure not use the numbers next time – THANKS! 🙂
Nice mystery in the snippet 🙂
Thanks so much for visiting, Sandra – I appreciate you sharing 🙂
Only thing that bothers me is how does she see her footing running down a mounainside in the dark? Or is that part of the dream?
She’s currently running down a graveled drive onto a dirt country road, definitely not cross-country at this point. I think I edited out that part, so your feedback helps a lot – thanks, Sue!!!
You numbered them!!! I generally just guess… "I will be free!" Loved it. Looking forward to more
Thanks so much, Patrick! Numbering helps me, although I see I’m in the minority 🙂
At first, she was just a woman running through the woods – though clearly running from something – then you dropped the line "recapture of runners" and notched things up to a whole new level. Intriguing, and well-done setting of a tense, dangerous atmosphere.
Monica, your feedback helps a lot, because this is the first time I’ve written fiction – thank you so much!
Excellent snippet. Your imagery and use of language to create that imagery is the hallmark of a great writer–in my humble opinion. =)
You've really encouraged me, Ann, as sometimes I think I use way too many words to convey the imagery! 🙂
Susan
Wonderful snippet and very intriguing. Looking forward to seeing the interaction between this dream and real-life and how it helps Laura. In this bit she comes across as very brave and strong. Nicely done, good #8.
Susan (another Susan) 🙂
Thanks, Susan… your feedback means so very much to me! 🙂
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