Getting Your Life Back
By: Susan McKenzie
A palpable gloomy shadow stalked our busy lives until one day it completely engulfed us. In 2006, a movie had been filmed of our lives and suddenly we were pushed on stages with cameras and microphones aimed at us. As we ministered, it was exciting to see people healed of cancer and all kinds of diseases.
But at the pinnacle of our “success” our personal lives were crumbling to pieces. We didn’t know it then, but we were about to be smashed to pieces by the very system that was patting our backs and applauding us.
Behind the scenes where no one could see our pending demise, life was hell. Domestic violence is no stranger to the homes of ministers and evangelists.
We were trained by a large international ministry that understands broken people. With great vulnerability and transparency we had come to learn that most leaders struggle through various forms of weakness. We learned to serve in this place of great brokenness but it didn’t change our lives at home.
What happens when a victim dares to speak up, in such circumstances? The ministry has thousands and thousands of dollars invested in you, in addition to their own reputation. Chances are you will be politely dismissed. I don't mean from ministry. I mean your voice may not be heard, except if you say the approved words. If you can't maintain the image, you may be isolated. In some cases, much worse.
If you don’t shed victim mentality it will stalk you like a hungry lion all the rest of your life, waiting for that perfect moment… the moment when you appear on top of the world… to dig in it’s claws and rip holes in your heart.
The only way out is the way in. Inward to the Father's heart, deep within one's own soul. To be true to oneself, no matter if your life is threatened. Our hearts are like a fountain (Proverbs 4) that must be carefully guarded, for our of our hearts flow a river of life. It's our source of life.
Out of our heart, our mouth speaks. So what is really going on when you are threatened to be silent? What am I saying, or about to say, that needs to be silenced?
So I was silent for many years. Yikes, as much as I didn’t think it could happen to me, I got lost! Lost while attending church… lost while working 60-70 hours a week as a church staff employee… lost as an itinerant evangelist.
In fact, the more I struggled, the more entangled in church lies and deception I became, until finally I nearly died. A life of good intentions and "niceness" resulted in this dark shadow hanging over our lives. I could no longer remain silent, keeping the ongoing abuse hidden.
I didn't want to speak out of bitterness or pain. I wanted to speak from a place of peace, to empower other victims.
Not to blame anyone, but simply to turn on the Light.
The silent years were good for me, but the continued threats and trickery were not. It cost me nearly everything… job, ministry, house, business, many family and friends. It's like waking up after the apocalypse.
New life began when I lost everything. Shedding a victim’s mentality and rewriting the script of my life has been a journey that I call, “Home Free.” Home is where we are accepted and loved for who we are, not what we do. We no longer wear the masks that religion demands. Home is a sanctuary where we can provide rest to other lost and weary souls. My sanctuary is my own heart where God and I rest and chat. I had to lose it all before I could really live.
I will rewrite my life's script. To remain silent because you are threatened is to lose part of your soul. It's to give up territory in your own heart. It gives another person control of your life, even if they are no longer in your life. To regain your soul is to own all of your story.
There may be long pauses in recording your life story. They are simply chapter breaks.
If you, like me, are recovering from post traumatic stress, you may want to write your story in short snapshots. As you begin writing, one snapshot at a time, you will begin to see a pattern. Like snapping jigsaw pieces into place. And before you know it, you will be rewriting the script of your life, making room for new, peaceful, glorious chapters!
Only YOU can tell your story! Don't let anyone intimidate you into silence. You are recovering your soul.
Like a toddler mumbling her first words… I've begun. Have you?
A Lakota Rescue, Secret Heroes 2
The Red Road, Secret Heroes 3
PS: Our lives were made "public domain" when the movie was released internationally. We were only shown the movie 12-hours in advance before it was publicly released and is now distributed widely through Amazon and other networks. I didn't sleep for 72-hours straight after seeing the film! I begged for the DVD NOT to be released, just as I had begged for it not to be filmed. I apologize to anyone reading this who was part of making the movie… you knew at the time I was not supportive of the effort… but you didn't understand the real reason why. Your response was to send me to an inner healing and deliverance ministry. I love you and I'm grateful for your thoughtfulness… but you missed really hearing my voice, amidst all the busyness of ministry demands. Even my dialogue in the movie speaks volumes of truth that the masses have missed. I must speak up now; otherwise, the lies and deception will continue to circulate. It's not your fault. You just didn't know. It's my responsibility to make things right.
Susan McKenzie knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and so much more. In a series of letters spanning more than two decades, God gave Susan "Love from Papa,' through her personal daily journals to help her in exiting organized religion where she had served in duties ranging from pastor, inner healing and deliverance minister, and Midwest regional coordinator for a large international ministry. In the past decade Susan has been applying the truths she learned and is now publishing her journals for the first time.
If you've ever felt you lost your soul in the midst of a "successful" Christian lifestyle, "Love from Papa" is for you! It's a practical guide via stories, poems, dreams and visions all in the context of Susan's real life story and the Bible. You can register to receive the newsletter, "Love from Papa" by entering your name and email below.
Copyright 2012, Susan McKenzie, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references. For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan McKenzie.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
It is hard to write things like this that you know must be said to help someone, but that doesn't make it much easier. I'm glad you are sharing the things you are about ministry that go beyond Christ's original plan. I have said over and over again that it would be so nice to sit on a hill, listen to Jesus teach, eat a couple of loaves and fish, and go on about our day… walking out His teachings. No politics. No judgments. No pressure to comply or to perform. Just being.
Just being… no politics or religion… yep! Thanks for your encouraging words, Jessica!
HI Susan, I kept wondering if this was your story or somebody elses. It is good to open up your heart; when things stay hidden in the dark, the devil can play with it every way he can. This must have been a very, very difficult situation for you. I applaud you for reaching out to others with your story; I hope many will find you and will be ministered to.
It’s for them that I write, Olga… it’s so much easier to remain quiet! Thank you for your encouraging words <3