Stand, but Don’t Stand Alone

 

You Shouldn't Have to Stand Alone

By: White Dove

No one heard my silent cries but him. He told me it would always be that way. And then he grinned, that mocking, smirk – more like a half-smile, except that it held no warmth and made me shiver. He was not only my husband but a popular church leader, surrounded by good people.

This is the most common strategy among abusers… to charismatically rally the troops around themselves, to portray themselves as the victim, while the true victim is silenced and shunned.

Are there really so few Christians willing to confront the epidemic of spiritual abuse in our churches and homes? Yes, this is a worldwide epidemic, and The Presbyterian Outlook sums up the situation here. I would love it if you would stop right now and read the article at this link titled, "The Alchemist in the Pulpit" … or if you want, read on and I'll share a small portion of my own story, in the hopes it will inspire and challenge more heroes to arise.

I begin with a journal entry in which I record a dream, for this is the reason I write:

"I woke up this morning dreaming I was being ruthlessly tortured, both physically and psychologically, just footsteps away from good people. All the good people had gone to their rooms and were sleeping. Their leader was my attacker and after everyone was asleep he took me and was going to abuse me over again and again, just as he always did.

 

I started to scream for help in that dark place but he covered my mouth and commanded silence. He threatened me that it would be worse for me if I made noise.

 

Pinning me to the ground he began to torture me, both mind and body, and I was overpowered by his extreme strength. But my spirit was so strong that from somewhere deep inside I found the strength to stab him in the thigh with a weapon I didn't even know I had, and from my prone position I threw him over my head. As his body crashed to the ground I screamed – two blasts – as loudly as I could.

 

You know how sometimes in dreams your screams come out in mere squeaks? Or you try to run and it's like you're stuck neck-deep in quicksand? Not in this dream. It was not a silent scream, but it took two cries to arouse the good people sleeping all around me.

 

When they heard my screams they instantly came running… and the evil man was easily overpowered." 

The following is a scene from my own life story… when my husband and I, both graduates of a Christian college, were active church leaders. I share this because it exposes the darkness, not just in my own life, but on behalf of Christian wives who silently suffer behind closed doors.

Lying next to my husband in bed after a long day of homeschooling our three little ones, plus running my own business from home (i.e. being the one-woman assembly line of creating Victorian lace bears!), my husband began reciting all of my faults. From top to bottom, I was doing nothing right, in his eyes.

I had tried defending myself, speaking up for myself, and pleaded with him to just stop. He chuckled and the verbal assault escalated in intensity. Nothing I said made a difference so I went inward, to the quiet place in my spirit and I worshiped God. Nothing changed, at first, but a certain "brightness" appeared in our bedroom.

Someone was standing at a one o'clock position in our bedroom! Heaven invaded our room, but only I was aware of this shining being.

I sensed He had arrived at the sound of my silent worship and that we could communicate while my husband's verbal tirade continued, unabated.

I cried, "You see what is happening. Why do You not stop it!!!" I didn't realize I was so angry. Anger is an emotion I rarely let come to the surface. My family depended on me to be the shock absorber, the peacekeeper.

In response, I sensed this Being point, and as I followed His direction, I sensed the Divine Presence saying, "Don't look at your husband, look beyond him." So I looked, and what I sensed was an invisible enemy who wanted to kill me. He was using my husband as a puppet, shooting flaming arrows directly into my heart.

Suddenly, in that instant, I recognized the real source of danger in our home. Suddenly I understood why my husband and I could not communicate, despite the array of Christian marriage self-help books.

All of the normal marriage books on my shelf were of no use in this situation, I realized, so I said to my husband, "I cannot talk to you right now. You are irrational. When you come back to your senses, we can talk."

A pathological relationship is irrational and if you attempt to treat it as "normal" you will find your problems escalating.

I was still wide awake and my heart was galloping as if it would leap out of chest. He appeared to have fallen asleep. I wanted to pray. Slipping out of our bedroom I sat down on the living room sofa, pushing the play button on my cassette player.

David Meece's song, from his album "There I Go Again" was playing. In the quiet, my soul basked in the peace of "Help Me Stand" and my soul grew still.

In the night
When the only thing my spirit can see
Is the shattered and decaying debris
Of dreams-that I've lost
And the light
Reveals enemies I thought were my friends
Criticizing all I live to defend
How can I go on?

CHORUS:

Help me stand
When it's more than I can do
Not to fall
Jesus hear my call
Help me stand
When adversity's on every hand
And I've done all I can
Help me stand…Help me stand.

The song had not finished when the bedroom door crashed open and my husband angrily punched the off button and demanded I return to bed. In defeat, I returned to bed, bathing my pillow in tears.

This man, this 10-year-standing deacon in our church, and later a house pastor… with such a charismatic personality, the man everyone loved to be with… was so different at home, behind closed doors.

No one heard my silent cries but him. He told me it would always be that way. And then he grinned, that mocking, smirk – like a half-smile, except that it held no warmth and made me shiver.

I'm often asked, "Why didn't you just leave?"

That's a complicated answer; not an easy one. There were at least three times when I was prepared to leave, with my children. I didn't know anything about abuse. I didn't even realize I was abused, at that time, since he never laid a hand on me.

All of the family finances were locked at his mother's house and I had no access to files, records, etc. I was economically dependent on him, and because he was self-employed I knew he could easily cover up sources of income, as much was done under the table. Even when I was generating income, I still had no input about finances. The church frequently taught wives it's a husband's responsibility to have the final decision, so I felt disempowered, as it was useless to initiate my own opinion on anything regarding finances.

He used to threaten me that if I ever left him, he would get a job as a bagger at the local grocery store and I would receive virtually nothing in child support. I believed him, as I so often did. I am autistic, on the Asperger's spectrum… which means I take what people say literally. I trust readily and believe people are speaking the truth much too often.

Most of all, whenever I was prepared to leave, there would be a miraculous change. Heartfelt repentance, tears, and my husband begging me to give him another chance. A honeymoon period ranging from 6-8 months would follow, but it never lasted. I had no knowledge of abuse cycles, at that time – I didn't know it was a standard abuse tactic.

He was just playing with me, like a cat with a mouse, but toward the end he was becoming bold enough to terrorize me with explicit X-rated threats of mutilating my body and killing me.

As the abuse escalated, always behind closed doors, I began seeking help. It would be years before I got the answers. As I talk to women of my age, from all around the country and in different parts of the world, this type of abuse among Christian couples is becoming quite common, but it's the least understood.

Most of these woman stay in their marriages, suffering silently, for decades…. averaging 20-30 years, from what I'm seeing. It's called "standing" and pastors often encourage us to "have more grace for your husband" and to "forgive".

It's twisted teaching, but it makes you feel like you are long-suffering, patient, and not selfish or rebellious. It has a form of godliness, but it empowers evil.

"Standing" further traumatizes the victim and her children. There are thousands of wives right now who are suffering in silence. They don't come to church with black eyes or broken bones. Their wounds are much deeper, invisble to the eye. Their husbands are elders, deacons, and pastors… beloved by their family and friends.

When these women dare to break their silence, it's rare that their story is believed. And that's when the real danger begins… when they dare to speak. Some quietly disappear. Others commit suicide. They have "accidents". 

The church system as it stands right now is stacked AGAINST the victims of abuse.

You shouldn't have to stand alone! I read in Ezekiel 34 God's response to leaders who abuse and leaders who refuse to deal with the abuse, who neglect the needs of the abused:

 I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord. ¹⁶ I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

God told me, "I want to be your Hero!" 

So many people tell abuse victims, "Forgive and move on," but that's not our Father's heart. I believe God wants justice. He wants to be my Hero, your Hero – a Hero for every suffering widow and orphan. He wants us to be restored, rejuvenated, reinvented, and much more. It takes the Body of Christ working together, because "forgive and move on" sends the message, "It's up to you to get your life back."

True religion, says the ancient apostle James, is to look after the widows and orphans, while keeping yourself free form the world's pollution.

No victim should be left standing alone.

Thank you for helping me to spread this message so that one day, I believe, "abused no more" will describe our friends and family, and indeed, our world! Together, we can stand on the side of victims whose only voice is our stories and whose only hope is for the true Bride of Christ to rise up, to stand for truth and justice by exposing the darkness and not just extending "false grace" to the abusers.

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With all my love,

White Dove

White Dove knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Her upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  

Today White Dove helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.

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Tagged as: "Love from Papa" Series, Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Life Story Writing, Losing it All and Starting Over, On the Way Home, PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder, Rewriting the Future, True Religion Speaks, Unbuckle Your Christianity, Writing a Life Story