How to Know if Your Church Leader is a Pathological

How to Know if Your Church Leader is a Pathological

By: Susan Schiller

"I know something is wrong and I can't put a finger on it," is a phrase many of us ponder endlessly as we try to figure out why we feel uncomfortable in church or even at home. Today I'm sharing some simple red flags to know if your church leader is pathological and I will also include some simple (not easy) strategies to help extricate yourself from the abusive situation and to begin to heal.

Since one out of every 25 people, according to current statistics, are sociopaths and one of the preferred career paths for a pathological person is "pastor" or "counselor" it's logical to believe there are MORE pathological leaders in our churches than in other parts of our community. My personal experience confirms this fact, along with the many stories of survivors I've listened to over the past 14 years.

One reader asks:

"Is it possible to be in a bad realtionship with church leadership that is influened by pathological behavior? The pastors have admitted to 'stalking me' on facebook. They were really kind at first but after i retracted a bit to place boundary up about what I would share with them, thier tone changed to a harsher one. I know something is wrong but can't put my finger on it. I want ask to erase my public comments b/c I am afraid. Your site and blogs are answering questions I've had for years. Mega ton TY"

The Christian abuser is the WORST abuser! There's a lot I could say here about how the church system itself attracts abusers, covers them, hides them, and protects them… but instead I want to focus on what you're afraid of here and right now. Your church leaders have admitted to stalking you. They know you know something is up. They changed their attitude toward you. They may likely threaten you, either subtly or blatantly… most of the time using very "nice" words.

You are not alone.

Dear heart, I am one of the many survivors who carried this question in my heart for many years, so first of all, be encouraged that you are awakening to Love's call, feeling that stirring from within your heart. The Kingdom of God is within you. (John 15) Your brain isn't designed to comprehend a sociopath's ways. Your brain is designed to protect you, which it is doing, by sending you warning thoughts. Your brain is designed to receive its commands from your heart, where Christ resides, and normal Christian leaders recognize Christ within you and will honor and respect you, even if you follow a different path than they do.

Pathological leaders are the opposite. The following are articles that may be helpful in understanding predators in the pulpit:

What does the Bible say about predators in the pulpit?

What is a Sociopath?

The best action we can take is to educate ourselves so that we can better discern a wolf in sheep's clothing.

• It's okay to speak up, to ask questions. You are FREE in Christ. When church leadership makes you feel uncomfortable simply because you are asking questions, or if they are rebuffing your sincere desire to seek Truth, or if they are trying to give you all the answers… then you may suspect you are in the grip of a pathological.

• You are walking in FREEDOM, dear heart! Wide open spaces. You are FREE to pursue what God is doing in other places and in other churches and at other events. If a leader tries to tell you "it's for your own protection" to stay away from worshipping with other people, then you have every right to be concerned that your personal boundary has been crossed. A true spiritual leader is protective like a good father or mother – they let their children fly and provide a safe haven to come back to, if they get hurt. The Holy Spirit will keep you safe. Don't let the voice of fear, no matter where it comes from, affect your choices of where and how to worship God. True spiritual leaders are love-based.

• Pathological leaders call attention to people who have left their church and publicly point out their faults, disobedience, and how "dangerous" they have become. Usually they will warn you to stay away from such people. You know those people – they are sincere, moral, and righteous truth-seekers and lovers of God. You know the truth.

• You will naturally feel confused. It's okay. Pathological leaders will pounce on that, saying something like, "Don't you trust me?" If you seek counsel outside of your leader's authority, for example a therapist, you may be required to choose between the church leader's counsel or the therapist (other counselor). A true leader is not afraid of you seeking counsel outside of their "jurisdiction". All truth is God's truth, and they understand they don't own a corner on the truth market.

• You will fee wounded. It's natural. Pathological leaders will pounce on that one too, saying something like, "You're just wounded. We have to be careful of your bitterness." A true spiritual leader, as in Ezekiel 34, will simply bind up your wounds with love, comfort, and assurances that you are whole and holy. They will listen to your story without interrupting you or telling you what to think or do. Your story is sacred and holy – it's HIS-story in YOU!

• By the way, you are not too much and you never will be too much! You are NOT a drama queen. You are NOT a problem child. You are a princess warrior and I want to pray this prayer over you (click here). A true spiritual leader will treat you like this: A Healing Manifesto.

• You are stronger than you know. That's what a pathological leader is afraid of. That's why they may start a smear campaign against you, to isolate you from others, even to cause people to shun you. Hopefully that won't happen to you, but it's good to be aware of a pathological leader's standard method of operation. A true spiritual leader welcome diversity of thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. They are not afraid of differences of opionion. No one church and on one church leader knows all the answers.

• There are many other methods a pathological person will use to try and keep you under their control. I'm in the process of gathering a Wisdom Library of 100 Stories so you can learn from other people who have walked the path alongside of you and ahead of you. You're not alone!

When you feel you are on the radar of a sociopath, that they are even stalking you, be assured they will not quit or leave you alone until either they master you or you master them. They are relentless. Physically exiting the church is not enough to relieve you of the emotional and spiritual pain. There are prayers you can pray that will help, like taking aspirin to relieve inflammation, and you may need to pray a lot more. You may need to initiate a "no contact" perimeter, to protect yourself from the ugliness. You will want to surround yourself with safe people.

Prayer for when you are leaving an abusive situation.

Prayer for when you feel ganged up on.

What you are going through is not meant for any human to experience and it's highly toxic. But there is a remedy, a way to speed up the healing process!

Dr. Rhonda Freeman, a nueroscientist, is recorded on a radio show discussing how the brain handles the stress of dealing with a pathological relationships and I highly recommend this one-hour show! It's part of my Wisdom Library and you can access Dr. Rhonda Freeman's show by clicking here. At the very end she outlines specific actions that can help speed the healing process. I know from my own experience that this information really works!

YOU are the only one who can help yourself become whole after a long-term toxic relationship with a pathological person. You have Christ within you and all of Heaven's resources to get your through this. Nevertheless, you are not alone!

Depending on your circumstances I can direct you to safe places and people where you can get personal help…. where you can share stories… where you can start to rebuild your life again. Just let me know and we can chat. You can be anonymous, if you wish.

There's a comment box below… and your email address will remain hidden, private – and you can use any name you wish. Or you can email me. 🙂

You are not too much… your best life is just around the bend!

Choosing love today,

Sue

PS You have permission to be happy – even your happiest ever – during this journey. Try to do something fun, creative, and peaceful every day. Radical self-care is an essential during this time!

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor –  to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can get a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.

Copyright 2013, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references.  For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.

Tagged as: Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, True Religion Speaks, Voice of the Bride