White Dove’s Story
I am a girl who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, in a bubble of innocence. Girls wore dresses to school and we played outside every day: In rain, snow, or hot humid weather until the street lights winked on. With the neighbor children we played Freeze Tag, Red Rover, and we built stage sets and made up our own plays.
We listened to music on black vinyl disks called records. We never dreamed of a world with wireless phones and computers, let alone Ipads and Ipods. Milk was delivered by the milkman who set glass bottles in plastic crates on our doorstep. Most shops and businesses were run by families and there were very few franchises and “super-stores”.
We lived in the land of opportunity and we believed we could do anything. I learned to fly an airplane and I lived in Chile as a foreign exchange student. I returned to America with a bigger worldview and dreams to make a difference.
And then I fell asleep, living the life others told me was more practical.
I remember when color television first came out (one TV per house was a luxury) and cable. We avidly watched the Brady Bunch, the Waltons, Davey and Goliath and Captain Kangaroo. Solid family values were the norm. It’s like our whole culture lived in the same bubble of innocence, and yet echoes of violence reverberated on the airways, and we collectively gasped at the assasinations of Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy.
Television opened our eyes to the first man walking on the moon and to the war in Vietnam. Progress and death seemed to walk hand-in-hand.
The super powers of the world were racing to the top, creating a Cold War that inspired people to build bomb shelters in their backyards. The Church picked up on our panic and created movies about the End Times, and most of the kids my age expected to be raptured any day.
I began to lose hope that our generation would be able to survive what seemed like certain mass destruction.
Our generation began to lose our innocence. In high school our class was warned we should not expect Social Security when we grew up, but our teachers couldn’t predict what would take its place. I entered the world with uncertainty and graduated from college in the early 80’s, with our country in a deep recession. I married a man I met in college who turned out to be a completely different man after we put our wedding rings on. We had three children and I became a home-school mom.
The bubble broke. The next 20 years were spent trying to hold all the pieces together. Television and radio took backseats to the Internet. And with the Internet I encountered many people who were also trying to put the missing pieces together.
Together, we created a new bubble… a “newer and better” religious system.
Another 10 years went by in which I found myself operating heavy machinery, even co-managing a hazmat site, starting my own business while living in a dream house built on a river in Northwestern Montana, and then becoming a regional prayer leader for a large international ministry. That’s when the bubble broke again.
I hit rock bottom, and the rock bottom phase lasted nearly ten years. They were the worst years, but also the best. The best gifts in life come disguised as tests, problems, and injustices. It’s a GIFT to be abandoned, and exiled. I didn’t think so, at first, but that was before I discovered THE ULTIMATE GIFT!
‘You haven’t begun to live until you’ve lost everything.’ — From the movie, “The Ultimate Gift”
At my lowest point, having been abandoned in the middle of a desert by my husband who left me for another woman, I wasn’t sure I had the strength to go on. Stripped of nearly all assets, resources, and reputation, I felt fragile. I had lost my career (ministering with my husband), my business (that I gave up, to minister), and my house (that we sold, to do ministry).
After more than 30 years of being a mom, wife, and minister, when all of that was stripped away, who was I? I was being blackmailed, threatened with my life if I didn’t remain silent, and all of it took a toll on my health.
Friends who wanted to help me didn’t know how. Others who tried to help were often the wrong sort of person. The abused attract more abusers, like road-kill in sight of vultures.
The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting; and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target. – Sanctuary for the Abused
I was merely a shell of the person I used to be. I took on menial jobs, as a result, not realizing how exploitive employers can be when they know you are between a rock and a hard place.
Only one thing of value remained – my faith. Even that slipped through the cracks when nearly all our ministry partners believed the nasty smear campaign launched against me, siding with my charismatic husband who was operating in signs, wonders, and miracles, as he continued to minister while I was falling to pieces.
The crazy lies about me stung, but I no longer cared. It’s like something broke – the need to please others, the need to perform to everyone’s expectations, and the need to be submissive (i.e. subjugated).
For decades, I had allowed other people to tell me what was right and wrong. It was easy that way. You always knew where you stood. Now, I was beginning to feel shaky, like a filly standing up for the first time, after birth. I was like a newborn!
New people – free people – began appearing in my life, showing me a new Normal. I found it easier to let go of who I was supposed to be and to become the little girl I used to be.
By then I was living in the wilderness, alongside a river, and it made me much more aware of the treasure of freedom. You see, I had no running water, so I bathed, cooked, and used an outdoor toilet. I had to trust God for everything! Every day was full of hidden treasures, disguised as trials, and my only job was to trust in the Goodness and Kindness of my Creator.
I was living a storybook life, as if I were a character in a movie similar to “The Ultimate Gift”. As I opened my heart wider and wider, a new story began to be written.
‘No matter what you’re going through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you’ll find the positive side of things. — Demi Lovato
The gift of losing everything led me to receive the ultimate gift, which is discovering our innate ability to turn chaos into beauty, to trade sorrow for joy, to choose love over fear. It’s a happy place, not based on outward circumstances, but a deep knowing in my heart that there is provision in every problem.
Losing everything opened the opportunity for me to experience God’s provision at a whole new level. He sent me a Winnebago, when I was homeless. He put me in a place where there were hot mineral springs and public bath houses. When the weather changed, he gave me a house. In time, he restored everything to me, and much more.
It didn’t mean an end to my tests and trials, for that would have meant an end to my training. It hasn’t meant that I haven’t been deceived, even, again and again, or that I don’t suffer from “trauma brain” as I call it. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t had to deal with the multi-generational effect of this type of trauma, oh no…. I got a full dose of that, too, and more. It certainly doesn’t mean I have’t had to lose everything more than once…. but the deepest losses have led to my greatest joys.
God wants us to live in freedom and fullness. His greatest gifts often come disguised as trials and tests. This is my story, of how losing it all led me to the ultimate gift – the gift of abundant life.
I Hope You are Telling your Story
Life is beautiful, the good and the bad together. We treasure our lives by putting pen to paper. Learning to tell your own story from a place of love and respect for yourself is the most healing agent there is. Sharing your story brings friends, family, and strangers into your shoes as you tread through the muck and mire of your life, fighting your Goliath…. and that opens up your “trauma brain” for even more love to pour into those wounded areas, like healing balm.
Naked and Unashamed
You can’t fully understand your story until it’s written. It’s in the writing that you come to understand your life story. When you learn to tell your story from the perspective of Redemption, no longer do you have to hide behind a mask that our culture tells you is “proper”. You can live naked and unashamed, without shame or the need to blame.
Rewrite your Future
Even better, once you understand the patterns in your story, you can learn to write the next chapter. You can create a new story, instead of living by default. I call this “Writing to Freedom”.
My mission at HeartScribes is to take as many hurting women as I can on a journey deep into the Father’s/Mother’s heart – a place where widows are transformed into brides and orphans receive a family and a home.
God wants to be known in the chaotic, messy places of our lives. He loves the chaos… it’s where He does His BEST creative, redemptive work! And that’s where I want to be too, right in the middle of the action – CHOOSING LOVE!
Contact me Kind Words from Readers What I Believe My Story
With all my love,
White Dove
Hi, I’m White Dove. Yes, it’s my pen name, and it was given to me by a blind man who shyly whispered it to me in a Divine encounter. Yes, it’s my real picture… just an ordinary selfie.
I live with my family in the mountains, surrounded by ancient forests, pure streams, and mighty rivers… but I also travel quite a bit.
My kingdom career is a Heart Scribe. I love to write from God’s heart and have been recording His living Word for the past three decades. It’s brought me so much beauty, joy, peace, and happiness!
I love to inspire trauma survivors to write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into the future. We dip our pens in blood and write the pain away… as God has shown me how to do, in the company of supportive friends and family. We are writing ourselves into a better world, beginning with discovering our own original design recorded in the DNA of our soul, and it’s the most exciting place to be!
Copyright © 2018 Heart Scribes, All rights reserved. For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact me.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
This really hits home with me. Is your website still available?
I found something you wrote below that I would love to quote. There may be other quotes as I just discovered your site and am reading more of it.
Susan Schiller May 28, 2015 at 12:45 pm
Oh my, when you say, “It seemed as if when he married me the mask came off.” – my spirit resonated deeply. That’s exactly when it happens – as soon as you are locked in – trapped – in a marriage vow. I don’t believe our modern American/Christian marriage vows are biblical at all. Those vows are traps, when abusers are involved!
I have lived this truth. I am so thankful for finding yet another great resource and place of support with your website. Thank you. I am writing to help me process my own trauma. Nothing compared to many but unlike anything I have ever known. Thank God I have no children from my wackadoo. I was married two days shy of one year when I told him I was leaving. His last words were "if you leave there will be war". We finally completed the divorce but he lied and said we were not married and tried to have me evicted. He claimed HE was in imminent danger and filed a contempt to keep me away from church. He filed false allegations of abuse and never told the courts he came at me. For 18 months I did nothing. When he came at me while I was sitting down I tried to defend myself. Since leaving I had to file two contempts. 1-He did not return a firearm he was ordered to turn in by two judges and 2- he stalked me at social and work events. The judge could not order comtempt because he said there was a court technicality to not include a turn in date. It's not a pair of shoes. I cannot believe a judge would not see the seriousness of this when he said the weapon should have been turned in. It was turned in after I filed contempt. Almost 9 months went by while he played his games with the courts. I had to take proactive steps; relocate and file a protected address. On the stalking, I had a witness yet the judge asked for photos. I had one photo and could have gotten more proof/photos but my attny said the witness should be sufficient. I was taking verbal and emotional abuse more and more after the vows. I also had been pushed, blocked, threatend, locked out in our short time before I finally said I was leaving. At a surprise birthday a few months ago I ran into an unexpected stranger who put two and two together with part of my shared story and told me she knew of him as her close friend was his second ex. I fell to complete silence as she said this friend "went through hell" with him.
I am writing to help me process and maybe along the way help another. The fraud ex is also involved in missions with the church. He also goes up to people in the bar scene and asks if he can pray for them/their family members. They do not ask this of him he just does it in the name of doing God's work. A false disciple with his own agenda indeed. He has a terrible reputation with some while others he has targeted fall for the same thing I did. He has targeted people with erratic behavior while scandal flows freely from his mouth. Several of these people he spoke poorly of until now. He is truly a different person from what I believed and saw early on. There were flags as early as 6 weeks when he questioned me about something that was unrelated to him or us. Later when I brought this up he would come back with the typical narcopath response, "I should have left you a long time ago when you …" (let's make her feel crazy never worked for me probably because we weren't together long enough). I had not been with someone so controlling. He backed off but got worse as time went on. No walks and No fitness center by myself. No more work. No friends unless he went. Then the physical abuse started. He once pushed me back three times when I tried to leave a room. I looked at him without saying a word as anything could provoke his tirade more. A classic case for a narcopath. He has lied, he has stolen personal files, a journal, money, clothes, boots, and more. He cannot let go of his control 9 months after I moved on. My writing is in chunks right now and I hope to piece it all together in time.
No matter how many times a survivor comes to me with a story like yours, I’m so deeply saddened, as I know what you are experiencing and the isolation that the web of lies produces. It’s like being stuck in a web, with the narcissist the spider…. but God….
I’m so glad you don’t have to battle for child custoday, There is saving grace, there….. I pray you can make a clean cut, once the divorce is finalized. And yes, more than ever, I believe our wedding vows are WRONG on so many levels, and not biblical at all.
That is the grid for the web of lies, in the first place. You’re going to all right. You are getting educated, and with the knowledge you are getting the lies are being exposed. You are creating a new and better life for youself, as you write your story.
I’m so very glad you stopped in to share, Carolyn… my heart reaches out to you with a big hug and prayer for your safety and recovery!
Glad to have found this website. I too was married to a sociopath. I was with him from age 19-31. He was my first boyfriend. We had three children together. He was horrible. Sexually deviant although I did not find out the worst until the end. Sexually abused me, raped me once while dating. God forced him to tell me the truth 7 years ago. He caused a deep depression to fall over him. On the third day he finally told me the truth. He was having sex with multiple men ,a few women, sexually abused our dogs, his younger brother and worst of all our precious daughter at the age of 18 months. The police were notified and due to a technicality he was NOT charged with a crime despite the police having a taped confession as they interregated him! He told me of the times when he became paralyzed and saw dozens of demons in the room and sometimes they would go "inside" of his abdomen. He talked about feeling satan near at all times. Hovering, he called it.He stated he had no fear of God. No fear of anything really. He is an epic liar. I witnessed demonic possession in him with growling, stomping, twisting of his facial features, his eyes turning from green to ice blue before my eyes, etc. I agree that sociopaths are demon possessed! Shortly after the divorce (I left him immediately after finding out he had harmed our daughter and all the other sins), he casually informed me that he is a sociopath. He calmly explained that he has never felt love, joy, peace, sadness, sorrow, fear or anything except for dead inside unless he is sinning sexually when he then feels "high". He is currently now trying to get shared custody of our three kids after 7 years of no custody. His newest girlfriend has no idea who he is and thinks he should see his kids. Fortunately I have very accurate police notes detailing the sexual abuse of our daughter and the other sick things he did. It's weird because he started with the sick sexual stuff as a young teen. He liked a girl he said so he walked down to her house and masturbated on her porch (marking his territory as serial rapists do). Do they all start this young? His brother has the same sexual deviances I have been told by two of his ex girlfriends. Both of his parents are very bizzare, the mother especially is a very cold, uncaring thing. I cannot date due to being with this thing. I am too afraid to end up with another psychopath who could harm my kids and/or myself again. I wish so much that I would have been with normal person so my kids would have a dad and myself a life partner. But now as I near 40 years old, I know I will be alone. There is too much at stake to lose with giving someone else that much control and power.
Dear Andrea,
Your story, wow…. and 3 children, who I’m so glad have been with you, safe from him.
I can understand your need to be alone, especially for the sake of the children. I hope you have friends and support who truly understand what you have been through and are continuing to experience.
The likelihood of us repeating this type of relationship is very high, from the stories I hear combined with my own personal experience. You are wise…. keep trusting yourself.
Face-to-face encounters with evil, no matter how short or long the duration, leave intense emotional and spiritual scars.
I pray right now that all persons in charge of making a decision about visitation between this monster and the children come under the authority of Christ and that by no means shall anyone or anything come near them to harm them. May all darkness be exposed and flee with the incoming Light of Christ Jesus.
Father, please save your children and this daughter of God. I bless her in Your Name!
I'm also married to a sociopath. I've been married to him for 4 1/2 years though we've actually been together for 11 years now. I believe I was also suffering from low expectation and self esteem. This is my third marriage. My two ex-husbands were also sociopaths. I've FINALLY decided enough is enough. Even though in practise I left him two years ago and have my own flat now, we were still seeing each other and remained 'married'. Like you, it's dawned on me that I have not trusted in God but leaned to my own understanding, etc. I truly wanted to believe that things would get better with time but in actuality, they've gradually gotten worse. I've prayed and asked God to sort him out. I believed that if I just loved him enough he'd respond in kind. I've believed him every single time he's said he was sorry, everytime he's sworn things will change for the better, everytime he's cried and said he didn't mean it… blah, blah, blah… Two weeks ago I tried to explain to him how depressed and miserable I am. How it hurts me to know he's willing to let me be the bread winner, how EVERYTHING that pertains towards responsibility is left to me. From paying bills to decorating the house, everything is left to me. He came over n we immediately began to argue. He started to push me around then grabbed me by the throat and shoving me against the wall said, "Don't make me do it!" Which I guess means "Don't make me hit you…" Deciding to divorce him was like an awakening. Currently, he's inundating me with msg's about how lonely he is and how he can't manage his life without me, how scared he is to go to sleep as his night terrors are worse than ever, and so on and so forth. I very much believe my husband is either full of demons or he is one.
Way back in the early days of our relationship, during intimacy I opened my eyes and saw leathery wings protruding from his back. I blinked and the image was gone. I pushed it from my mind thinking I must have imagined it. Now I wonder if it was a warning from God, or spiritual sight… Either way, I realise I cannot help him. Love is a strange thing. Mis-placed it can have a strangle hold on our lives, preventing us from living the life of abundance that Christ has promised us. I've repented of my 'adultery' towards God. I've asked for His protection and help. I am convinced I have it. I look forward to the fullness of purpose and life that you speak of. I thank you from the depths of my heart for sharing your experiences. I'm certain that you are inspired by God to reach out to the tender, terrorised hearts of other's suffering the whims of demonic sociopathy.
God bless you in all you do.
Thank you again and much love to you.
Christine Shephard
Oh my, Christine, you speak as a woman who truly has a heart after God … like King David.
It would be an honor to meet you one day. I believe we will, for we are created as eternal creatures. Yes, the vision of the wings…. instantly I had a flashback to a similar vision I had of my ex-husband having wings…. wow.
Fellow survivors and I have often remarked, “We married the devil.” It is true, for too many of us.
You speak the language of my own heart, Christine…. I am so glad you are divorce and free. He may have killed you one day, by the actions you are describing here. Please feel free to email me, if you wish. I would love to hear more of your story and how Christ leads you to the next season of your life!
All my love,
Susan
Hi again, beloved!
Oh wow! I'd love to talk to you more! Thank you for the invitation to email you. I'm so excited by the prospect!
My story is a long one. I could say it began with me realising that there was more to life than meets the eye when I was just a girl really. I'm 53 now.
I've seen the Glory too! Been in it and heard Him speak! That's my anchor. I know God. I met Him, or rather, He met me! And I want to write a book too! But I don't know how! Oh my goodness! I have so much to say! Do you really think you could bear with it?
And now I'm crying my eyes outand I don't know why!?lol
Bless you, dear heart and thank you.xxx
There may be a day or two or three in my response, but yes, definitely, I would love to hear more and to be a friend….
Hello;
I was conducting a web search to find audio for Rise Up A Warrior.
Perusing, I found your site … God is so Good … You are your
Daddy's girl. Isn't it amazing to BE … Onement … Connected …
In the place of Joy? My wife works a lot with kids … Brain Plasticity
On another note … Have you considered going to the courts of Heaven?
There is God's Goodness … Love … There is also His justice
In His courts. You are so amazing. . co-laboring, co-union, and co-creating
Thank you, Van. I would like to learn about the courts of heaven. True justice.
I would love to learn more about what your wife does, involving brain plasticity. If you happen to come back, maybe you can point me in a direction to learn more – thanks!
What a horrifying and distressing story, Susan. Thank you for writing it honestly!
It’s an honor that you took time to come and visit, Anita. I’m afraid it is horrifying and distressing as you put it and I wish it weren’t my story. Over the years so many women have come to me with similar or even worse stories. They deeply love the Lord and always have. No one believes them. They have been deserted not only by their abusers but in a dark twist of torture their families often side with the charming abusers, so they are left alone to suffer in silence.
It’s a privilege to meet these women and for that reason alone I’m grateful I obeyed God in sharing my story. I hope one day it will help the Church to understand how this evil has crept into our mist, literally in front of our eyes, and yet the majority of us cannot see, hear, or speak of it because it’s too horrifying and distressing.
In Ezekiel 34 I read of my Savior who leaves the 99 to go out looking for the lost one. He is horrified and distressed that no one else – none of the shepherds – have cared for the one who is lost. The lost one has been trampled, injured, and is exhausted… and she is part of His fold, too… but no one sees or hears her silent cries.
It’s for that lost one I write.
Hallelujah! Finslly someone that I can identify with from a spiritual view. I have married a man about three years ago. I discovered has a drug, alcohol, and lying addiction. I was asking Father God what is wrong with him. His thinking is not normal for a 53 year old man.
I told my Pastors about the physical abuse early in our marriage. The last episode was last month. He pushed me, I bold in told him I am done. I have suffered physical abuse years ago. I believe he has a call on his life but until he gets delivered he will not walk in the purpose and plan of God. My Pastors are blinded by his so call kind acts and calling them almost everyday to talk to them. He makes actuation that I am being mean to him. He has been planting seeds that he is Mister wonderful and I am the ungrateful wife. He has lied to me countless times. Stayed out getting high or drunk, oh did I tell you when we met he stop doing all these things three years ago. It seemed as if when he married me the mask came off. I am seeking God ,I know I am to learn something from this.
Oh my, when you say, “It seemed as if when he married me the mask came off.” – my spirit resonated deeply. That’s exactly when it happens – as soon as you are locked in – trapped – in a marriage vow. I don’t believe our modern American/Christian marriage vows are biblical at all. Those vows are traps, when abusers are involved!
I write about this in more depth at https://loveyourstory.org/marriage-and-divorce/.
I hope you are able to get free without carrying too much guilt or shame – I ask God to remove even more scales from your own eyes and the eyes of your leaders. Oh God, please make a clean break for Denise and give her joy on this journey!
Bless her with courage and strength, dear God, and help her to feel cherished and honored by those in your Kingdom – and most of all let her know your love more deeply, right into her core belief system…. and mend her wings, dear Abba, so she can fly to you, unhindered by the slanderous accusations. Let her melt in the Fire of your Love!
I wanted to thank you so much for this writing. I recently had a 3 year affair with a children's pastor come to light. I've asked over & over how I could have been so foolish to have done something so horrible & reading this couldn't have been any more accurate to how this played out and how truly manipulated I was. Tonight I feel like I can start walking towards forgiving myself thanks to coming across your work. Bless you!!!
Dear Lynn,
This happens so much more than we’d like to think, and each time it comes to the light the better, even though it hurts like crazy. I’m glad you’re walking in the light and I ask God to bless your story and to cause your testimony to add to the flood of God’s glory covering the earth. May even more families be made whole through your testimony!
We overcome by the Word of our testimony and the Blood of the lamb. I’m glad my sacrifice and testimony has helped you to understand better what happened. I’m grateful to you for sharing, Lynn!
God bless you!
i cant read your writings fast enough.
The work youre doing takes just plain guts to stand up to. Ive encounter something familiar to this and ive spend alot of time studying this and sharing my experience with others. Too much to write…hopefully i can share some of my important discoveries with you in a private email.
Too much to write about. And a year later my health and sprit has just started to heal. C
I receive your email and I’m excited to learn more about all that you’ve discovered, especially the role diet plays! Thank you for stopping by!
I just discovered your website. My husband left me after 22 1/2 years. I am now realizing how controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive he is. I really don't know how I ended up where I am. I thought I was married to a wonderful man. He was an associate pastor, police officer, and army chaplain. Everyone looked up to him. All that happened was – I questioned him. I was told I had no right to question him. That it was my fault how I reacted and he wasn't lying to me, he was protecting me because he knew how I would react. He convinced me that I was physically, and mentally attacking him. He told me I was unstable. He would let me know what he was going to do, if he wanted a divorce – I didn't have a say, I was being to righteous for saying that God doesn't like divorce, that Love is a choice not a feeling. I discovered that he was not the man I thought he was – he was smoking, drinking, doing pornography, and having affairs. I was too embarrased to even go to my family. I felt like he was killing me (emotionally). He did however tell me that he could have taken me out anytime, but the only thing that stopped him was his career in law enforcement. He told everyone that I was crazy. He says I don't deserve anything, property, money. . . In the mean time my mother passes away suddenly. We are still not divorced, not one of my lawyers will fight for me. I have had 5 so far. My dad is paying for my lawyers. My daughter (who has autism) and is afraid of her dad and I have moved in with my father because I can't afford anything. I work at a Christian School where my daughter attends. My husband says I should be making more money and that I am hovering over my daughter (I only see her for less than 5 minutes a day). No one has stood up against him. He is now Sheriff in our county and has resigned from the church. My daughter and I attend another church. My husband is on his 4th girlfriend that I am aware of (we are still married). He says he has never been unfaithful to me, and never asked me for a divorce. It hurts so bad. I have never thought I was special or pretty and now my self exteem is destroyed even more. I don't even know who I am – how I got here – and where I am to go. I am in counseling and so is my daughter who is 11 yrs old. She is afraid of her dad because he yells at her, hits her, and ignores her. He always has his girlfriend with him. No one in authority will do anything to prevent his hatefull behaviors towards her. It is her word agains his and of course they believe him because he is "Mr. Wonderful". I blame myself for falling for him, and getting in this mess. I feel so sorry for my daughter, I have no control to protect her. She has to suffer. I try to keep my eyes on God and thank him for getting me out of the situation, but I am still afraid. The divorce isn't over and my husband still threatens to take my daughter away from me if I don't agree with his terms. I just wish I knew what God was going to do with me. I am afraid that I will never be able to trust again. But at the same time all I want is for someone to love me. I know that sounds stupid, and I should trust in God. But sometimes I question even God, why he would even want to love me or think that I am worth being created. Thank you for letting me vent. Donna
Dear Donna,
I feel your heart and your words… your story… I know deep down what you are saying. The Spirit of Truth is in you. It’s not your fault, first and foremost. As to how it came to happen, it was not your fault… how it came to happen for over 2 decades – again, not your fault… and what will happen next – some of it will be in your power, if you can rise up.
First off, I can only share my story and not give you counsel. I’m so glad you and your daughter have professional counsel. I hope your counselor understands pathological relationships, especially a religious sociopath. Why this demon chooses law enforcement AND church … can you guess? Those are two places women and children go to help. And the legal system? Same thing. The career for attorney is a direct path for sociopaths, as well, and abuser protect abusers. There are payoffs and under the table agreements. Family law is a for-profit business and unfortunately is not often fair to victims.
You sound like the “perfect prey“. If I could take a guess as to how you got where you are, it’s low expectations and low self-esteem… but much more than that. You are probably a God-seeker and you honor commitment and give love lavishly and unconditionally. You are humble and righteous and your first thoughts are for unity and family values. You are a wife and mother in the deepest core of your heart, and you believe you are a child of God but you have yet to experience the joy of your full inheritance, as God’s royal daughter. You might not even understand quite yet the authority you have in the spirit realm to co-create with your Father God, to change your life story.
May I suggest reading any of Brennan Manning’s books… perhaps even all of them, or most of them, as I have done. This, for me, was the first step in finding God’s heart for me. Some articles I suggest are at https://loveyourstory.org/reinvention-through-resurrection/ and https://loveyourstory.org/when-it-seems-impossible-to-go-on/. There is a “marriage and divorce” section that may encourage you, as well. https://loveyourstory.org/category/joshua-kimberly-dimick/
I needed to be around other survivors of sociopathic abuse…. first and foremost, to get my mind wrapped around the reality of what happened. I needed to educate myself, as all victims of sociopathic abuse do. Unless we have a basic level understanding of evil – and your husband is possessed by evil from the little bit you have shared I have no doubt – we cannot protect ourselves from the unrelenting onslaught.
Your husband will be AFRAID OF YOU once he recognizes God’s Spirit rising up, in resurrection power, in you! Right now evil is having a hey day in tormenting you.
The evil you are up against is the worst kind, in my opinion. It divides and destroys from WITHIN! We don’t shield ourselves from our husbands, by nature. We allow them into the deepest parts of our hearts and he will use everything he knows about you to bring harm, in my opinion.
Yes, he will threaten to remove your daughter. Of course – not because he wants her, but to torment you both. You say, “I have no control to protect her.” Legally, no… but spiritually? Oh YES!
Suffering for a season is part of the human condition. Even Jesus suffered. But in Ezekiel 34 I read that our job is to snatch the victims out of the mouths of the wolves. Your husband is a WOLF in sheep’s clothing. And the reality is that most people will side with him. He’s probably already painted you as mentally unstable or worse. People are so prone to believe someone in uniform or a leader of a church.
You may feel alone, but you are not. There are so many of us! More than most people realize. The church is FULL of sociopaths…. Yes, stats will tell you 1 out of every 25 people is a sociopath. But in the CHURCH there are MORE! Simply because they can hide so well.
As Christians we are more prone to be innocent as doves than wise as serpents. We tend to avoid evil, right? We cover our ears and shield our faces.
If you are up for facing evil and seeing it for what it really is, then you are ready to RISE UP!. Another great teacher who has helped me the most throughout the years is Graham Cooke. You can do a search on youtube, if you’re not yet familiar with his teaching, and you’ll discover many free teachings.
Your mindset needs an overhaul…. first and foremost. I believe you’ve already stated it in your words above.
Oh Donna, “all I want is someone to love me” is the cry of every woman’s heart! But until you come to love yourself, the Love of our Father cannot be fully received or even perceived by you…. it won’t reach the deepest place of your heart.
Sociopaths rip us wide open and it hurts. It’s hell! But the benefit to it is that God’s Love can pour into that most deep place.
Yes, you are welcome to vent. And YOU NEED TO VENT! You need to tell your story over and over and over again until the poison is all out! You need someone remind you over and over and over again that it’s not your fault, and that you are going to be all right!
Four girlfriends…. your husband is going to be exposed. Mark my words. And it’s just as well that you are separated from him. That’s a blessing, even though it hurts like crazy to be abandoned!
Evil’s time is almost up. That’s why there is such a rise of darkness on this planet. God’s glory is shining through and piercing the darkness. It’s shaking the churches, communities, and families that claim to know Christ but are still infants… it’s a GOOD thing, Donna. You may not see it yet, but what is happening all around you is Good. Because God promises to bring you TWO MERCIES FOR EVERY WOE!
I have prayers recorded on this site… I encourage you to write your prayers in a similar fashion, using God’s Word as your compass into your new life. Oh Donna, if I could only paint a picture of your glorious future, and of all the Joy and Love awaiting you! We each have to climb the mountain, following Christ Jesus… we each have our own journey…. but it’s well worth it! There is provision in every problem. All that you need is set aside in reserve for you, for this is your time, Donna. God’s already prepared a place for you!
I hope this encourages you a bit…. you are never alone. You are so much more than you yet know, but you are stepping out of the shadowlands into the light. God sees you. He’s wild about you! He’s singing over you with joy, dancing and holding out his arms. Please know these words are true – they are written in YOUR heart!
Wondering how you are doing? I know you wrote a while ago, but my situation is similar to yours in that I was married to a sociopath in law enforcement who is currently a Chief in a Sheriff's office, even after I went to talk to the Sheriff about his disorder (after he was fired with scrutiny from his last job as Chief and he snuck into a job with an embattled Sheriff through the back door, allegedly after he failed a psych evaluation he was then 'appointed.') What I learned is that personality-disordered types cluster in top positions with the most power and control in law enforcement – one just need look at the news. Clergy is the same. My husband (now ex) kept a Jesus fish on his desk for 'cover' and let everyone know he was a virtuous Christian (yet never actively practiced for the years I was with him). Another false face to keep the scam going. He is like the warden in Shawshank Redemption, sociopathic fraud without conscience.
i was only legally married to him for 3 years – but he stole 5 years of my life. Second marriage, I have a son who at the time was 11, I believed in his title as Chief of Police and gave him the benefit of the doubt on integrity he only pretended to possess. His first wife was like you – he cheated on her for over 20 years, seduced her because he saw her as a valuable asset being the daughter of his commander-turned-Chief. His disorder would be protected by a man, his boss in a large suburban force, because he 'had' his daughter, all calculated. He did unethical and illegal things regularly, protected by privilege. Of course, he was a wolf in sheets clothing so I believed the 'respected' facade he presented when I met him. Once we married and he moved in, he couldn't hide it – an absolute nightmare figuring out what was going on with him and of course, he blamed me and I ran circles around him trying to constantly fix things. He would leave for days, weeks at a time, claiming to have PTSD and anxiety (sounded feasible in police work). He elicited the sympathy he needed and the entire relationship was a game for him to hurt me, isolating me from his few family members and work colleagues; told me I wasn't invited to family outings because no one liked me (yet I have a million friends otherwise). I could go on and on.
We divorced about a year and a half ago. Though I was like roadkill for over a year, I made it my business to see who this man was and check into his past (60 years of it). He ran over his supervisor at 19 with an ambulance, labeled a freak accident, the man died. As a juvenile he broke another boy's collarbone and bashed his brother, also a sociopath, in the head with a golf club. He had a pattern of illegal and unethical activity towards fellow officers, getting caught a couple of times – instead of losing his job, he collected sensitive info on his supervisors like knowing their extra-marital affairs, so he would receive a mere slap on the hand. He knows he was a sociopath and panics over getting caught. He was fired from his last two jobs as Chief – once because he crashed his unmarked police vehicle drunk on duty early on a weekday, covered up, just a few months before he received a reprimand in his file for misappropriating funds, falsifying documents and lying to a suburban Mayor and trustees – I picked him up at the hospital er after the crash thinking it was odd no one acknowledged him on the way out and he pretended to be sitting there on a back board with a neck race on for two hours, unhurt. Wonderful acting job just before we were married. Other cops told me what really happened. He was told to leave as Chief, records were either not filed or pulled, and he quietly got a job as Chief at a nearby suburb. There, he had sexual relationships with Village employees while married to me, while seducing other men's wives and freely dating women, pretending we were getting divorced. He would take me to forest preserves for a 'picnic' if I insisted on meeting him for lunch, often forgetting to wear his ring. He kept threatening me with divorce papers for my behavior if I questioned his abuse.
A new Mayor came into the town he now presided over as Chief and fired him by not reappointing, since he heard rumblings about my husband and didn't trust him. What my husband tried to do to get back at this Mayor was dispicable, created a circus with repercussions still wreaking havoc through a few naive minions in this small suburb. By this time, I had not let him back in my house for about 8 months – once I witnessed his sadistic behavior behind the scenes to someone else, this Mayor, I snapped out of any hope I had and saw him as sick. He expected to get back together with his new Sheriff's Office job, I told him to file for divorce immediately (he insists on filing so it looks better).
We went through several psychologists and he would play along, pretending to have PTSD and explaining to them how I was 'not safe.' I was told early on to divorce him because he couldn't be married – to anyone (of course my response was confusion and trying to figure out what I could do differently). Finally our Christian marriage counselor told me he appears to have a personality disorder, his pathological lying is dangerous and I needed to seek a divorce.
I found out many more things being my own private investigator, talked to many, obtained the records I could. Takes a while. Recently found out the Attorney General's office has had an open investigation on him for several years due to civilian complaints. I am filing a complaint through a policing agency that is encouraging it where I can do so protected, focusing on the covered up car crash. Many will tell victims of these sociopathic characters to 'let it go' – but I was the unsuspecting woman who comes after you. These people destroy lives and they need to be outed when possible.
Sorry so long, but wanted to let you know a bit of my story. You are not alone. It takes time to heal and realize what was going on. Theses people are actually missing the part of their brain that gives us the human capacity to love, feel empathy, remorse or conscience. They are deadly, sometimes literally, to humans who have the capacity to love since they learn to mimic and say the right things to go undetected. Law enforcement and clergy attracts these types. Seek help for yourself and continue to read (Hare, Stout, Simon, Babiak,Lundy Bancroft, Eddy) which will help keep your eyes open when you get confused or sink into feeling like you deserved this treatment some how. These are predators and anyone can be fooled until they screw up one too many times.
Sorry for typos! My note should actually be addressing Donna who wrote earlier about her Sheriff/pastor husband.
Cindy,
I am very grateful for you taking the time to share your story with so many helpful details like this.
This paragraph you wrote:
“He had a pattern of illegal and unethical activity towards fellow officers, getting caught a couple of times – instead of losing his job, he collected sensitive info on his supervisors like knowing their extra-marital affairs, so he would receive a mere slap on the hand. He knows he was a sociopath and panics over getting caught. He was fired from his last two jobs as Chief – once because he crashed his unmarked police vehicle drunk on duty early on a weekday, covered up, just a few months before he received a reprimand in his file for misappropriating funds, falsifying documents and lying to a suburban Mayor and trustees – I picked him up at the hospital er after the crash thinking it was odd no one acknowledged him on the way out and he pretended to be sitting there on a back board with a neck race on for two hours, unhurt. Wonderful acting job just before we were married. Other cops told me what really happened. He was told to leave as Chief, records were either not filed or pulled, and he quietly got a job as Chief at a nearby suburb. There, he had sexual relationships with Village employees while married to me, while seducing other men’s wives and freely dating women, pretending we were getting divorced. He would take me to forest preserves for a ‘picnic’ if I insisted on meeting him for lunch, often forgetting to wear his ring. He kept threatening me with divorce papers for my behavior if I questioned his abuse.”
… is very scary. You tell the truth, and I can see you’ve done much research, like me. I would really like to speak to you by phone or email, and if possible face-to-face. Together we are stronger, and yes, this indeed needs to be exposed!
My email is here. I would love to connect with you, if you have time, Cindy!
Thanks again for sharing – your story will be helpful for others, I am certain.
I came across this website today because I am trying to sort out my feelings and relationship with my husband whom I believe may be a sociopath. I cannot seem to find a Christian to talk to about this, so I was in search of a book, perhaps, that might help me figure out what to do. I feel very seriously stuck right now. I dont even know what I'm asking for. I think I just need a friend who understands the grace of God and also understands a sociopath. Any advice would be welcome.
Sister in Christ,
Shelly
Hi Shelly,
Navigating a pathological relationship through the lens of Christ Jesus is not easy. Nothing is as it seems it should be. Christians rarely understand sociopathic relationships, and so we tend to give each other the “normal” Scriptural solutions, which not only malfunction when it comes to a pathological relationship but often does more harm than good.
You’re not alone, Shelly. You’re welcome here to ask questions, share your story, or just hang out. I suggest scanning through the “Marriage and Divorce” files to find help from a godly woman (Kimberly Dimick) who counsels wives in pathogical Christian marriages. You may also find helpful information about sociopaths in Christian ministries in the Abuse Archive.
I hope this is helpful!
Hugs and blessings,
Susan
Thank you, so much. Believe it or not, lol, I 're found this page, right when I am getting a glimpse of perception as the me He wants for me. I, am not, a peeop3 e we
Thank you, Chris, for sharing. Getting our identity back is the very part of our recovery. You can learn more at https://loveyourstory.org/create-world/. I wish you well in you recovery! 🙂
Love your site – – and your "site" – – both the blog and the location of Montana! Just quickly want to mention a couple of things from your "About" page: "This takes place during a vitual workshop", I believe should read "virtual". And you might consider hyphenating some terms such as "home-school" or "heirloom-quality". Just some thoughts 🙂 I hope to meet you someday when I finally get to retire to Montana! I currently am a co-owner of 2 acreages in Northwest Montana – – One is unimproved and just 10 minutes from the Canada border; the other sports a small cabin and yurt and is about 30 minutes from the border. At this time in my life I am able to visit Montana only once or twice each year, but my heart is always in Montana 🙂
Thanks, Annetta, for visiting today and for your helpful comments on grammar – I can always use pointers!
You are blessed to own land in NW Montana, especially near the Canadian border – it’s quite an extraordinary location 🙂
I’ve wanted to live in a yurt ever since I heard they existed – seriously. How exciting to meet you, Annetta!
Thanks again,
Sue
Hi Susan! Thank You so much for sharing your blog with me.I love stories and feel more people should share them. I can now relate to you at even a deeper level. Keep up the good work! I look forward to a long fridnship with you Susan.. Chery 🙂
I look forward to getting to know you better, as well, Chery – you’re a real blessing. Thanks for your encouraging words – I treasure your kindness 🙂
Have a wonderful day and I also look forward to developing our friendship!
Wow, I'm so glad I found this. Not only have you answered a serious question I've been having about my own ministry, but the purity of your heart is so poured out here. You may not be writing for profit, but I can assure you, a prophet's blessing is on it's way to you and it's way more than you would have received if you had done what you're doing for profit. God bless you Tender Lily. 🙂
Trish, you are a kindred spirit, and your words are like rivers in my thirsty soul… THANK YOU!
up to now, never went into reading a lot of what you as I did today… I knew you were special and pehaps needed to read further about you, in order to understand what that meant to me.
I look forward to stick around and enjoy more of what you have to offer and share.
Thanks for connecting and for allowing me to know more about life ina different way.
nickc
Sharing life stories is a deeper level of friendship that builds bridges, I believe. It's easier to love our enemies, even, when we know their stories… and how much easier to love our friends. When I read your life story, Nick, I can't help but appreciate the hardships you've endured and how deep your well of compassion goes. You make for a comfortable friend to sit and have tea with, I imagine, because you have a good listening ear and a willingness to share your own heart. Thanks for being here today and for listening to a little of my story…
Oh my, just imagine if it was not for the 30 Day Challenge we would never have met.
I'm freaking out a biy to see the paralells in our lives. In the middle 80's somebody told me that my Life would be a Bridge and I didn't want to be one, because of all the traffic going over it. I'll resurrect that post especially for you. And then Sandi Krakowski, must admit she was too fast for me and I needed more of a foundational hands on approach with my Blogging.
How did you become proficient with the Thesis Theme. I abondaned mine but would like to use it, as I feel it is a very personal one.
Did you ever hear of Graham Cook, I've the feeling you might like him.
Thanks again for your messages and if you don't see me commenting, I'm reading your blog daily.
Dear Gertraud… you've made my day! It does feel we have so much in common, doesn't it? Another bridge-builder – yay! Yes, please do resurrect that post – I'd love to read it 🙂
I love Graham Cooke's teaching and I quote him often. In fact, I have a page dedicated to his "Rise Up A Warrior" teaching and I love to listen to it often. I just applied for Graham's Warrior Class, as well… just doing the application exercises makes my day, too! Here's the "Rise Up" page: https://loveyourstory.org/rise-up-a-warrior/.
I do like Thesis, but then it's the only theme I've used, so I can't compare.
Thanks for coming by regularly, Gertraud… it's so fun to meet someone on the same path! We can learn from each other – that's the fun part 🙂
It's always uplifting to see someone like yourself, who obviously writes from the heart. I look forward to seeing your book. BTW 'On the way home' is one of my favourite Neil Young songs!
Hi Luke – it's great to meet you. Thanks for your encouraging words. I haven't heard of Neil Young before – I'll have to look him up and see if he's on Youtube. Thanks again – God bless you!
Hi Susan
I look forward to being able to read your book. I have a feeling it might take me some time to read. I bit like when you go out for a nice meal.. you enjoy your meal one bite at a time 🙂
Your words are compassionate and kind – thank you, William 🙂
I love that you write your stories, from the heart, to help other people, and that is what your blog is for – to express yourself
Thank you for your encouraging words, Jacs 🙂
I wrote this at 3 am… it really does wake me up in the middle of the night… 🙂
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