Diary of a Battered Preacher’s Wife

Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

I share my stories and other's stories because my Papa God has asked me to. My true friends have told me to "write that book" and in my heart, I know I am a writer. Papa God told me my Kingdom job is to be a "heart scribe". I've just struggled to accept that, you know?

The subjects I write most about are located in that chaotic, messy middle between Heaven and Earth. It's that invisible line where Light penetrates the darkness and you hear the first "gasp!" and the splutter of explectives no ear should ever have to hear. It's the sound of ripping, as the veil that cloaks evil's churchy disguise is burned in the fire of God's Light and Truth.

To be silent, to not pen these words, is to deny the existence of God. It's to put up prison walls in my heart. For God wants to be known in the chaotic, messy places of our lives. He loves the chaos… it's where He does His BEST creative, redemptive work!

Click on any image or title below, to be directed to the story of your choice!

A RETURN TO EDEN: You might be surprised how much toxic shame can weigh you down emotionally, spiritually, and physically!

This is where I discovered the joy of intimacy… breastfeeding, diapering, baths, stories, and songs! Intimacy is what we are created for… to love and to be loved. It's in giving away our lives that more Life – abundant life – is given to us.

We must always remember to be childlike. The veil is very thin between Heaven and Earth, when children are around! There is one such evening I will always remember. I don't know how it happened, but I found myself no longer sitting on my sofa, but on a beautifully wrought iron bench in a garden that could not have been less gorgeous than the Garden of Eden itself. My Bridegroom had arrived and was sitting with me, and all the trees and bushes rejoiced with us. It seemed even the flowers bowed their heads in our presence and the wind in the trees whispered its pleasure to witness this night.

We simply sat, hand-in-hand. The intimacy of the moment was so rich and full that words were not needed. We communicated heart-to-heart. If I could share with you just one thing about Him, it would be that in His presence I felt no spot or stain of sin at all upon me. I felt clean, safe, and cherished… desired and desireable!       Read More!

he red sun tottered on the tips of the mountains burnished golden in the orange glow of sunset, and the whole hillside looked to be ablaze. A warm breeze stirred the knee-high meadow grass, which undulated in gentle waves in the direction of our white Jayco 5th wheel parked in the driveway.

A soft wind moaned musically through the Ponderosa pines creating a symphony of nature's praise, accompanied by the sounds of meadow larks and squirrels. I often thought this quiet evening walk was what kept me from shattering into a million pieces.

Sometimes God answers our prayers in strange ways. Wierd, unthinkable things happen. The ground under our feet shakes, our foundation crumbles, and we stand in the rubble of our deconstructed lives. But love is still there, unmoving as a mountain, the real foundation under the mess.

There are some messes God doesn't want to reform and remold. He wants to build brand new. Sometimes it seems like the craziness is external, but in reality God is messing with our lives to get to our hearts. The dark places are shaking as the Light of dawn awakens our souls. It's love calling.    Read More

Next, the minstrel turned to me, his grey eyes piercing into the depths of my soul. He called me a "Deborah" and a strong communicator. And then he said, "I see a man coming for you, who will treat you like a princess!"

Words have force. Words bring life and words bring death. For a person who has been long-abused by words, you are accustomed to the spiritual bruises and tears in your soul that come from words that sting, cut, and poison. You learn to guard your heart, sometimes with very well fortified walls.  So when a person speaks words of life to you, it's like a healing balm to your soul and you open up a little and the walls come down a little.

I let his words sink deeper into my soul in the following weeks and months, and I prayed, "Father, if you have this Prince for me, then please send more confirmations to let me know!"      Read More

 

My counselors told me that I was the most abused woman they had ever met, and they feared for my life. I was so conditioned for abuse at the time that I didn't fully understand what they were saying. I was a regional leader in a large international ministry. My husband and I were traveling and doing seminars from one end of the country to the other. We were put on stages and in front of television cameras.

My husband and I were invited to manage a ranch, that they wanted turned into a House of Prayer.

Stepping foot into the sprawling, 5,000 sq ft barn-turned-into-a-house, we took the bull by its horns and began cleaning and decorating the newly constructed "winter home" which we were to live in, as ranch managers. The ranch owners wanted us to create a "House of Prayer". So we worked hard to clean and decorate the house, naming it, "The Upper Room."

People with serious needs began seeing this house as the "emergency room" and at all hours of the day and night it wasn't unusual for both friends and strangers to show up, asking for help. We never turned anyone away. In between guests, we took care of dozens of horses and 100 cows and bulls. I quickly learned to saddle up and ride… plus fork hay twice a day!  Read More

"Storms will come your way, Little One, but My peace never changes. You're embraced by My Father's powerful love. Even if the whole world were to forsake you, I never will.

Troubles, like crashing waves in a storm, will come to test your faith. Stand firm. Don't be shaken. Resist evil, especially the evil that dwells in your own mind.

Step out of the storm inside My mind. Know Me. I am stable and sure. When darkness overtakes the godly, Light will come bursting in."   Read More

The harm that a sociopath brings into your life is nothing compared to the hurt of seeing your children hurting and not being able to stop their pain. My ex-husband once told me, "Sue, this all part of the game. No one will ever see what's really happening except you. I want to watch you suffer."

The mountain I have climbed, carrying my children is much different than I envisioned. I carry each of them with the promise: True Love Prevails. And so it does. It really does.  "Children are always hurt by divorce. Yet sometimes they are more hurt if parents with an unendurable marriage stay together. There are no easy answers. Often we are put in positions where all of our choices are wrong; there is not right thing to do. At that point we must pray that we choose that which is least evil, and then ask for forgiveness for that inevitable evil which we have done." – Madeleine L'Engle    Read More

I wrote, on February 8: "The pain never leaves, but it crests like waves over my soul. I pray Psalm 109. I put all my hope in God. Everything. Lock, stock, and barrel. Abandonment. I've lost everything.

The pain is almost beyond endurance. My heart hurts so bad that I asked God where all the pain was going. At first He was silent, but then He spoke. He told me to touch my leg, and so I did. I nearly screamed for the tendons in my thigh were on fire! He showed me that it was a deep privilege to suffer in the way He suffered. To share His pain is to know His heart. And that has been my biggest desire and my constant prayer.

To be God's friend is to walk on the lonely path of insult and rejection, pain and abandonment. But that's not the end of the story! Papa God went on to say, "I'm coming with rewards to those who persevere. Keep marching on in faith, Little One. You have nothing to fear. You will be richly rewarded. You need to see Me as I am – totally sufficient. I know where I'm taking you. I've already pointed you in the right direction. Peace, I say. Don't hold onto the things of this world. Let go completely so I may take you higher. You are My friend. I can trust you. I believe in you. Hope, faith, and love overcome the world's system.   Read More

Normal Religion requires a performance. One of the most difficult demands of a leader is to live up to the projections of those around him. People need and want miracles to be true. They need and want someone they can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell as living proof that God is changing lives supernaturally.

The movie, "Miracles, the Randy McKenzie Story," was filmed just 4-weeks after the "signs, wonders, and miracles" conference where Randy's back was healed. A few months later we were selling our house and attending ministry training school… and put on stages… and put in charge of coordinating ministry in several states.

How many of us are longing for the instant, supernatural miracle… when the real miracle is that God loves us right where we are, apart from what we do. God wants us to simply be real. Not to worry about what other people think, and to simply be His royal child. It's this royal child who has been imprisoned by the expectations of others.  Read More

In April 2004 I brought home my own bionic man! My husband had received a diagnosis of "severe spinal cord injury with a spinal tear" and was told to sit still and rest for 1-2 years. Given a 5-pound weight limit and no hope for recovery, the doctors loaded him up with Oxycontin, Percocet, Morphine, and a few other heavy-duty painkillers – all at levels normally reserved for the terminally ill – and wished us good luck.

His final surgery for the year, April 22, 2004, was an experiment to implant an electronic neurostimulator from the top of his back and down to his hip. Neurostimulators were becoming common in those days but no one had yet successfully implanted the apparatus into the region of the thoracic spine, we were told. The theory is, you shoot controlled electric currents into the spinal cord to shut off the pain. Cauterizing local nerves also served to help shut off the pain, theoretically. The computerized battery was designed to control the current on both sides of the spine and could be dialed up or down by the patient.   The neurostimulator was to become yet another failed experiment that would forever impact our lives.    Read More

"This is your crucifixion. Just die," said my pastor, to me…

My body was seated at my cubbyhole in the outer church office but inwardly my spirit was lying on a bloody battlefield. My spiritual eyes were peering up through the smoky haze of bombs recently detonated. The sting of a thousand poisoned arrows burned through my muscles. I could not seem to get up.

"I did what you asked me to do. I completed my assignment on time. You said it was just what you wanted," I whispered, my soul shattered in disbelief at this betrayal.

"You know, Sue, I have benefits to consider here. My daughter's braces just got approved by the church board. I've got my salary and my family, to think of. Mr. and Mrs. ____ carry the clout here. They said if we didn't change direction there would be 60 people leaving the church along with them. Just their tithes alone carry half our budget. Someone has to take the Fall. That's you. It's your crucifixion."     Read More

I went walking down the road past our ranch that leads deep into Indian territory. Walking for miles into the desolate wasteland of buffalo, antelope, sagebrush, and empty beer bottles. I noticed the road changing with every mile away from “civilization”. Weeds began to take over the road, with lack of use. There was virtually no traffic at all – one truck passed in the course of a couple hours. In places, the desert sand had covered the road entirely.

Strewn up and down the road were empty beer bottles and cans. I wondered if anyone out there was driving sober. Surveying the litter, immediately, the phrase “Highway to Holiness” popped into my mind. I felt that my presence, as I prayed and walked, was interceding for the people of this vast land. Our love for the land and its people, in and of itself, is a prayer. Prayer isn't always about having the right words to say… it's about tuning our heart to God's frequency and it changes the atmosphere around you. Sometimes prayer comes in a song.     Read More

I was about 3-years old when my dad brought Chattanooga Teddy home from Tennessee. Dad was a pilot and used to make trips all over the country. As a surprise, he would come home with toys for each of us. Somehow this little fellow became a symbol of my dad's love and I carried him around with me almost everywhere! 

Whether we are adults or children, we can all create our world. As children we called it "Make Believe" and everyone thought it was a game. But what if "Make Believe" is how the world really works? After all, we must become like children to even enter the Kingdom of God!

As I think back to my own childhood, I realize I have created my present day circumstances. We create our own hell and/or heaven. As I intentionally "make believe" today I put my focus on my dreams instead of my fears. I focus on what is beautiful and true and lovely. What we focus on increases.     Read More

Stripping off jeans and jacket to my bathing suit underneath, I quickly let my body slip into the tranquil hot mineral water. I gazed at the colorfully lit fountain of youth, a natural spring that ejected volcanically heated waters loaded with heavy mineral content, tens of thousands of fresh gallons every day. It felt so soothing, even in the April drizzle.

Now and then a stranger's head would bob up through the thick wafts of steam. I could hear muted splashes as a few stray tourists joined me in a midnight swim. The pool, located just outside town, was the size of half a football field and it was easy to be alone, even with others swimming nearby.

I often soaked and swam until midnight or later. Nights were not conducive to sleep anymore. I had lost taste for food, as well. It seemed the only place I felt peaceful was in this pool, alongside the Big Horn River.     Read More

A Moon Flower thrives in the harshest of climates. It's lush, hardy green leaves never need much watering. It's one of those plants that grows and reproduces anywhere and everywhere, even in gravel. It's one tough flower. Although it requires little care it produces some of the most tender, fragile, and beautiful flowers! The trick is, Moon Flowers only open their tender blossoms after the sun sets. If it weren't for the darkness you would never get to see the shimmering white glow of a Moon Flower!

I asked, "Does God no longer see me? Does He not care?"  As I absently twisted the wedding band on my ring finger, a mental movie replayed in my mind of my evangelist husband slamming his pickup door and yelling his final word, "I have to obey God, and that means leaving you. You love a strange God, different than mine. I won't be coming back."

Word upon word sliced through to the core of my identity, dragging me into an undertow of confusion and pain. With most of our ministry partners fully backing him, it felt like an abandonment of multiplied proportions.     Read More

You have to face your fears once-by-one to overcome them. Gradually, I learned that prayer changes things, but first of all, it changed me.  God wanted to suck all the fear out of me. He wanted me to see from a different perspective, from a Love-based perspective.

What if we all begin to live this way, I pondered… NASA has instruments that gauge the gravitational pull on the earth, and when even a small company of people gather to pray with positive energy and focus, these instruments register a CHANGE in gravitational force on the earth.     Read More

I had been working at a Wyoming hotel in a popular tourist destination. A woman with dark, flowing hair breezed into the hotel rolling a small backpack. I checked her into Room 222 and gave her a map to her room. Fifteen minutes later she appeared back at the desk, saying to me in a very authoritative voice, "God told me to come back downstairs. He wants you to know that you have closed your heart and He wants you to open your heart because an opportunity is coming your way. If you open your heart this opportunity will change your life. If you keep your heart closed you'll miss it completely! God wants you to love again."    Read More

I've been silent for too many years. Because our lives were public, I believe I need to speak up using our real names, even though I wish I could write a better story, a more pleasing story, a funny story… anything other than this. Too many people have been begging me to write this story… and so I begin.

An overpowering darkness slowly engulfed our lives during our busiest ministry season which propelled us across nine Midwestern states, organizing and ministering in dozens of weekend conferences. A movie was filmed by the international ministry sponsoring us and suddenly we were stuck in front of camera lights and put up on stages. We didn't know it then, but we were about to be smashed to pieces by the very system that was patting our backs.    Read More

Loaded down with nearly all my worldly goods, including the rocking chair my mother cuddled me to sleep in as a baby, an old iron bell that she used to call us children home for dinner with, and heaps of boxes, my Dodge pickup was chugging along kind of slowly, with transmission ailments until I hit Bridger, Montana at about 9:30 pm on a Friday night. The road was torn up down to the dirt for several miles and recent rains had chiseled deep ruts and excavated gaping chuck holes almost large enough to consume a small vehicle.

Somewhere along that spine-crunching road my starter dropped out the bottom of my truck…  Read More

 

A staff member arrived with Randy's 'cocktail' of drugs to put him to sleep before his final surgery. Just before dozing off, Randy remembers his gurney falling to the floor and the nurse having to get duct tape to repair a broken piece. The last image he saw before waking up was blood splattered on the walls.

I settled in for a long wait. We knew it was going to be a tough surgery. The trick would be to remove all the wires and electronics without tearing the spinal cord. They would have to leave a good portion of the stimulator inside because it was too dangerous to remove the whole machine. By the end of the day, with no word coming out of surgery, I decided to ask how my husband was doing. I discovered he had been sent up to a private room. That didn't make sense, because it was supposed to be out-patient surgery.   Read More

My husband recounts to me in graphic detail all the ways he desires to murder my physical body, but he's already killing my heart. His voice is calm and cool. He even smiles a bit. And then, as usual, he concludes his litany of scenarios involving mutilation and death by saying, "I'm sorry. You haven't done anything wrong. There's just something inside of me that wants to hurt you. But don't worry, I've got it under control!"

I'm opening up an old journal today, dating back to a time in my life when physical threats against my life were becoming more and more frequent. My husband of almost 20-years, at that time, was planning to end my life, tormenting me with the details. Charismatic, charming, and good-looking, he was a lovable guy… church deacon, business owner, a friendly neighbor, and a guy always ready to lend a helping hand. No one would have believed what was happening behind closed doors.

I had no one to go to except Papa God. His answers were like a lighthouse guiding my storm-tossed life even as my ship was going down.   Read More

No one heard my silent cries but him. He told me it would always be that way. And then he grinned, that mocking, smirk – more like a half-smile, except that it held no warmth and made me shiver. He was not only my husband but a popular church leader. Real champions of the faith speak up for the survivors who have been silenced.

This week there is a hot debate raging on Facebook, in which a predator in the pulpit was asked to respond to multiple accounts of sexual molestation. He is a well known minister, a speaker and author of several books, but he refused to respond to the request to dialogue with the church leaders who had done their due diligence in researching the case. As I read through the comments, it's plain to see that the majority of Christian leaders prefer to protect the "anointed" and "gifted" leader while silencing the victims. This is the most common strategy among abusers… to charismatically rally the troops around themselves, to portray themselves as the victim, while the true victim is silenced and shunned.

Are there really so few Christians willing to confront the epidemic of spiritual abuse in our churches and homes? Why?   Read More

Who is this God that laughs in the face of His enemies (Psalm 2)? And does He really expect me to walk so confidently that I can grin in the face of disaster? Is that realistic, in a world where we are daily hit with news of impending disasters?

It's been several years since Papa God first told me those words. In that time span I've faced:

• An almost seven-foot tall man whose two eyes were bouncing in separate directions, his legs and arms flaying, and his voice threatening to rape me. We were at church and I called to my pastor for help and he replied, "Go, girl, go!" It was expected that I could handle a maniac on my own. I was the only one this man could be calmed by when "the fits" suddenly came.
• A little later I ran into the same man in a parking lot and he yelled to me that he was on his way home to murder his wife and kids. I stood in front of his van door and said, "No, you're not going to do any such thing!" I held his gaze, managing to stay calm, and he backed down, promising to go get help.
• At home, my husband often painted gory scenarios of mutilating my body and then putting a bullet in the back of my head. He described my body falling into the deep rock quarries near our house.
• Two of my friends died mysteriously within a few months of each other, and there were clues I would be the next victim of "accidental" death. We were all involved in uncovering some serious problems in our church. …   Read More

From my diary, dated May 22, 1989…“I’m totally burned out. Nobody seems to understand or care, at church. Just to hear someone say: ‘How are you?’ and really mean it…. At church we see each other in our Sunday best, we smile and say nice things. How many other people are crying on the inside?”

I wrote this after attending a women’s seminar in church, where the guest speaker encouraged wives to “remain silent” and to endure their husband’s behavior, even if it was abusive, using the gifts of the Spirit called “long suffering” and "patience". We were told never to “tell on” our husbands, but instead to keep our private lives secret. I didn't know it then, but our church was acting like a cult.

For some of us, our silence became sin. Instead of creating peace, it made things worse. I had vivid dreams, every night, that robbed me of precious sleep and rest.   Read More

I will worship you, my Lord, In Spirit and in Truth.

I worship you with all my heart, With all my heart I honor you."

This is a song the Spirit gave me on June 13, 2007… a song that has become a deep part of me. And when I sing it, Heaven comes. To me, it's like an open heaven in the darkest and loneliest of places. No matter where I am on earth, even in the most desolate of circumstances, I have found the glory of heaven is only a whisper away.

In the past few years many of us have been called to lay down our ministries and to allow our spiritual roots of worship and prayer to deepen. Through this deeper level of intimacy, in the dark and lonely places, a whole new level of light and love – the hope of Glory – is experienced. It may feel like death, at times, but in reality, heaven is only a whisper away.    Read More

I see men, women, and children lay down their swords and shields, linking together with the body armor of love.

I see a world where life is a simple matter of the choice we make of who we become.

I see a war zone become peaceful by the diligent prayers of faithful avengers of justice. They are the true heroes of the faith. No weapon forged against them prospers and they are healed from every wound.

I see a looking glass that shows us what we can become. A critical mind, full of doubts and negativity will not see except in the mirror of regrets and past failures. A free mind holds the looking glass with faith and says, "I believe I can… I can!"

I see a people with free minds who are resolved in their thinking. They do not sway with the Winds of change, but instead their lives become like bridges over troubled waters. They thrive in chaos.

I see burden lifters who use the power of their voices to speak up on behalf of those with no voice.

I see the tiniest of believers slaying towering giants with the simple force of their faith, fueled by passion to overcome.

I see children who function as elders in society, where "young is old".

I see kings leading people, as true shepherds lead sheep to the best food and water. They heal their people's wounds and do not put heavy loads on their backs.

I see knights of valor roaming the wild, untamed places, protecting the borders of their territory against enemy agents.

I see a world where money is not worshiped and buys nothing of real value, instead, it is walked upon. Whole cities are prosperous beyond imagination, such that even streets are paved in gold.

I see city streets that are safe to walk on day and night….  Read More

Exhausted, I mounted the writhing beast who had churned up dark, frothy waters that flashed like daggers in the moonlight.The massive dragon skillfully navigated the deep waters, plunging forward in giant, yet sinewy bounds. Weren't dragons supposed to fly, not bound through water, I thought? For whatever reason, this dragon was sea-bound.

Inside the strong woman is a soft heart that has been punctured by arrows of rejection, pierced by envy and hate, and nearly slaughtered by neglect. It's a battle to the death because there is a beast within her that is every bit as deadly as the abuse she takes in her external world.

That beast grows stronger the more it's fed a demonic brew of shame, fear, and control. Victims of abuse nearly always feel a sense of groundless shame. It permeates the very air we breathe. We attract circumstances into our lives that deliver the "punishment". We enable abusers to control our lives, even if we don't like it. We have been pummeled so hard externally that we rarely see the monster producer directing our life, from within.

It's not your fault and you are not to blame. But unless we recognize our self-sabotaging beliefs the illusion that our pain comes from purely external forces only empowers the monsters both internally and externally.    Read More

Today I feel like broken pottery, but yet God reminds me of a promise he gave me: "From this day on, I will bless you." (Haggai 2:19) On the very day I laid down my job serving a religious system that refused to protect me from abuse, I received this promise.

Despite what the church may believe, do, or say, God wants to bless those who are persecuted! What does it look like to be blessed? Some believe it's to make money from home, live their dream life, go on vacations, or they get a new car.  I listen to the spiritual news feed from Heaven. A passage from Matthew 5, flashes across my mental radar…

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I sense the contrast between Heaven's meaning of "blessed" and my own expectations of the "blessed life".   Read More

I feel your heartbeat. I hold you on my chest, calming every shudder and comforting you with each weary sigh.

Your former husband is going to court, as you pray to Me right now. He is late again in paying taxes and your own life stands in jeopardy. He has abused you for more than 20-years, yet you are praying for Me to have mercy on your husband and his family. They have believed his lies and they are more angry at you than he is, for he knows the truth.

My heart is touched as you pray not only for mercy on your husband but you also cry out to me to deliver you from anger. You ran for help to the Christian leaders who you thought loved you, but in their busyness they have set you aside. Most of them will never talk to you again. They believe the smear campaign launched against you. You've been cut out of their family, but you still have a Home in Me.   Read More

Many nights I awoke to screaming – but this night was different. Like a mother in tune with her babies every cry, so I could tell when my husband was at the end of his rope. Two years earlier they had sent him home with massive prescriptions for Oxycontin, Percocet, Morphine, and many other narcotics, to die. Having exhausted the resources of the medical field, we were simply doing our best to survive. Living in the wilderness made the nearest local hospital more than an hour away.

By morning, the pain had not subsided and although he was already taking pain meds normally reserved for terminal patients, we bumped up his medication even higher. The pain pills still weren't cutting it. So I called the emergency room and asked if I could bring my husband in. Our hope was that an injection of Demerol or something more powerful might take the edge off his misery. The woman on the other end of the phone could hear my anguish and she replied, "That’s what we're here for! Bring your husband in right away!"

I packed Randy into the pickup truck and we painfully made our way down the bumpy dirt road, traveling slowly the 1 ½ hours it took us to get to the hospital. Every bump caused Randy to scream inside – and sometimes out loud as well. We finally made it to the hospital and walked up to the registration desk. In between the door and the desk stood a stern-faced administrator. Her lips in a tight line, she intercepted us before we could get to the front desk.   Read More

Paralyzed, I stopped. There was no thinking at such a time as that… either you die or you don't, I figured. No way could I outrun him and there was no place to hide! After a few minutes of deadpan eye-lock, I wondered, "Who's more shocked? Him or me?" I don't know how long we stood there, both of us paralyzed, it seemed. I don't even remember who broke the stubborn gaze first. All I know is that I had no defense and either I lived or I died but I must get home. The moose just continued to stand there, mesmerized.

Safely home, I began to take stock of my life… was I really crazy to live in the mountains and not even know how to use a gun? Call it stupidity, stubbornness, or naivete. But it seemed to me that in all my walks on that lonely mountain road, I had come upon at least one bear, one mountain lion, one moose, and probably a whole lot more that had escaped my limited vision… and nothing had ever harmed me!    Read More

The room was quiet and peaceful. It was all I knew, it seemed. Clean, tidy, and not even the hint of a breeze to turn the pages of time. No flies, not even a speck of dust floating through the air. This solitary room had been my home for as long as I could remember. I had few needs and far fewer wants, but it was lonely.

From above the plain kitchen table, the eyes of a man looked down, as if he were beckoning me to follow him. It was a framed picture of Jesus. There were no other pictures. As I looked around my one-room cottage, I wondered, “Isn’t there something more?”  Something was sparking and sputtering inside my soul. It felt like butterfly wings and I wondered, what was this strange, wild stirring that caused me to feel restless? I knew there was something more to life than I had previously experienced.  Desire opened my eyes to see a door, where there had not been one before. It was a portal into a new place, where I was to discover both the deepest darkest place in the world as well as the highest, brightest place of Light and Beauty.  Read More

What if enjoying abundant life was as simple as removing just one obstacle from the path?

The kind of life I want for my family and my world is abundant life. An Eden lifestyle, where you work at what you are passionate about, to the point where the line between work and play is blurred because you love what you're doing and you get paid for doing it! That's when you know you're living in your truest self… when your mission, your purpose, your hopes and dreams all line up with your daily activities! The line between work and play doesn't exist. Money chases you, instead of you chasing money.

Many of us women have left behind our truest selves, to play the role we are expected to perform. We put on the face our society deems acceptable, the face that earns their approval. We wear that face so often and for so long that we forget our true self. We leave her behind. The greatest deception is that we are "doing good" and, worse, the world approves.       Read More!

 

We often go without because we don't realize we already have everything we need to succeed.

God showed me in a dream a picture of a down-sized birthday party. As parents we had done our best to bring joy to our birthday girl, but it could have been a lot nicer. I saw a storage room full of birthday party hats, toys, games, etc… everything to make a party fun and exciting but we just didn't know it was there! We had settled for less because we were depending on our own resources, skills, and abilities. ^d  We didn't take time to look into Heaven's store house and to bring it to earth. ^e It takes time to create our world. It takes preparation to receive the great gifts God has in store for us. If you are experiencing lack today, if you feel the stranglehold of debt, or if you need to finance a dream, there is Good News today.

God wants to bless you. If you are his son or daughter, your name is stamped on His credit card. There are universal rules established in making use of this provision….        Read More!

Thank you for sharing my journey to freedom. You are a very special person indeed, to want to read my stories and I cannot thank you enough!

Even when all seemed lost, God had a purpose and a plan for that season of burning.

Planned, controlled burns are a natural way of life in the mountains. Protecting our property against fire means burning off the old growth… the very stuff that fuels the destructive monster fires. With another drought worse than last year predicted for this region, you can imagine everyone is busy trying to protect their land. Thinning trees, clearing land near buildings, and burning off the old, dead brush is one way to protect yourself from fires.

Rocking back and forth in my mom's old rocking chair, I sensed God's voice tell me that the burning in my own life was for a reason… even a preparation to safeguard my future. Although my years of suffering through abuse are now over, I'm at a point in my life where I am surveying the blackened parts of the homestead in my heart, and I'm witnessing the power of a new season of growth! Like the forest renewing all around me, my soul is healthier now than if the burning had never taken place. Nothing of real value has been lost. I'm getting my life back, and in many ways it's my "real" life now. It makes me think of what Peter said… These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. — 1 Peter 1:7      Read More!

Give Me the job of straightening out the crooked. Give Me the job of thinking out the solutions. Give Me the pain. I've already made provision for it at the Cross and I've got you covered.

There are seasons for reasons. For me, I was bound by fears and doubts, worries and stress. Like a forest fire, God allowed a season of burning in my life to expose the weaknesses in my own soul. The Fire of God is a blaze that destroys only that which is not of Him… the very fears, doubts, worries, and stresses that prevent us from reaching our destiny.

After the fire comes the rain. God never brings pain. The hurt comes only as we lose what we think we need, only to discover in the healing that the pruning has strengthened and enlarged us.

In the midst of a great personal hell, I was praying and listening to hear the whisper of Papa God's voice, and this is what I wrote in my journal: "Joy is My way. Release your faith, even though there may be tears. You cannot even begin to imagine the joy that is yours if only you would reach out to receive it. Tell Me your fears; release them to Me. I'll catch them and throw them far away from you. Wait upon Me to receive your daily peace. You win when these trials don't drag you down to their level – hell. I love you, Little One, more than you can possibly know. If it weren't for those chains of fear and doubt holding you down, you'd be jumping and flying and dancing with Me….    Read More!

Get your life back with self-love. What is Love like? Love is gentle; love is kind; love is patient. Love doesn't remember offenses or keep a list of wrongs. I must remember to love myself just like this.

When you've lived in the war zone of domestic and spiritual violence… a place where sharp, cutting words have torn and shredded your spirit like shrapnel. When explosive actions, like grenades, have ripped your gut in half, choking off your air supply, you need immediate evacuation. Instead, the friends you thought were in your corner have either abandoned you and left you for dead, or worse, they have joined in the slanderous attack against you. It feels like you're drowning, and that is the moment when radical self-care is a matter of life or death. 

Wherever you're at, even if it's stranded in the middle of a Wyoming desert, God's loving touch will provide for your needs: physical, emotional, and spiritual. He wants to love you back to life. He wants to restore your fractured soul and to give you His Name, his very nature, of which "I AM LOVE" is the first strand of heavenly DNA. This is radical self-love. It's not selfish; it's life-giving. Take baby steps. I know of a woman who began with returning to the simple pleasure of dental care: flossing her teeth every day. It's strange what we give up, in the wake of living with a narcissist. Learn to give gifts to yourself, even if it's just a little thing like flossing your teeth.   Read More!

What would the world be like if more young men and women were released from the prison of "acceptable" into their unique destinies?

Who are the people who have most changed the world? It's not the "acceptable" people-pleasing ones, no. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is credited with saying, "Seldom do well-behaved women make history."

The artist's way runs an opposite course to reason and logic. I's a higher road – a harder, steeper path. It's paved with rejection and abandonment, obstacles that can be turned into steps carrying us higher and faster… or tripping us up.

Albert Einstein is an example of a creative who was bold enough to take a stand, to quit school at age 15. He was fed up with school because it stifled his imagination with all the objective assignments, which mainly included rote memorization. He had the courage to use the steps to climb. I, however, got tripped up.

The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking. ― Albert Einstein           Read More!

What if… Jesus came to our church. What clothes would he wear, what would he drive, what would he think of our conversations, and how would he respond to our sermons? What would he think of our inner thoughts and private lives? Would He perhaps show up in the former of a teenage "trailer trash" lonely girl?

She arrived at our church that Sunday morning and changed everything… forever.

Briskly walking from room-to-room hand delivering volunteer schedules, I first noticed her standing awkwardly in the foyer. She was young – about 16 or 17-years old. I could tell by her furtive glances at all the happy, laughing couples that she felt uncomfortable… perhaps even invisible. I had seen her in church many months ago and knew from her story that her mother was an alcoholic and she lived in a trailer park known for heavy drug activity. I walked up to her and welcomed her to our church. She smiled and seemed glad someone had noticed her and was genuinely glad to talk to me. Suddenly a woman approached on my right, scowling at me and saying, "Sue, did you leave the copy machine jammed??"

I tried explaining that I had done my best… but a minute later another exasperated woman tapped my other shoulder exclaiming, "Sue! There are parents lined up downstairs and no one is there to take the toddlers yet!" Both women were extremely frustrated because if just one person or one thing didn't work out, it was liking throwing a stick into the gears, and everything grumbled to a halt. Running off with the distraught women I glanced back to the girl… she was again standing all alone in a sea of smartly dressed suburban Chicago church-goers, as good as invisible in her homely outfit. That's when something snapped, and I just stopped in my tracks. It was like Time itself stood still.        Read More!

How laughter becomes an extremely powerful weapon when you're under attack.

Inside the strong woman is a soft heart that has been punctured by arrows of rejection, pierced by envy and hate, and nearly slaughtered by neglect. It's a battle to the death because there is a beast within her that is every bit as deadly as the abuse she takes in her external world.

That beast grows stronger the more it's fed a demonic brew of shame, fear, and control. Victims of abuse nearly always feel a sense of groundless shame. It permeates the very air we breathe. We attract circumstances into our lives that deliver the "punishment". We enable abusers to control our lives, even if we don't like it. We have been pummeled so hard externally that we rarely see the monster producer directing our life, from within….

Laughter inhibits fear, scientists say. It redirects your focus off of a problem area and in a more positive direction. Laughter can reduce stress hormones and build the immunity system. Finding humor in your situation can stave off depression. It puts your enemies on the run. Can you just visualize God sitting there on His Throne laughing at the enemies lined up in front of Him?    Read More!

Heaven must be full of ranchers border collies, because they sure have taught me the greatest lessons!

We lived on the edge of the huge Wind River Reservation, a desolate and lonely area. It's "Home on the Range" with wild buffalo and antelope, along with the Indian cows and bulls that have free range. It was just Mattie and me and the animals until my daughter and granddaughter arrived to live closer to us! Up till then the only ones to talk to, in those days, were God and Mattie. It was lonely. Scary.

Mattie taught me what trust looks like. I didn't know it then, but my world was about to crash and my "lone rancher" lessons were what God knew would carry me through, just a few months around the bend when my life suddenly turned upside down.

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We can learn from each other, no matter what cultural and spiritual traditions we come from. Honoring each other's differences opens our hearts to love. I'm not advocating that all religions are good – but what I learned is that honor opens the door to love, and love overcomes all evil.

You know what? All that the Lakota taught me is straight from the heart of God. I'm not saying I agree with everything I heard… but it's definitely not what I thought it was going to be like! Why do we fear people of different skin color? Why do we judge someone who wants to worship with paint on their face?

Maybe we can all learn from the Lakota how to look below the surface. How to look beyond the natural. How to look underneath clothing and hair and skin color and language.

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Gratitude for the pain opens the door to abundance – in a sense, your life becomes "magical"!

I tried very hard to conform to this world, but I broke up with normal quite a few years ago. Like a porcelain statue, the world of illusions shattered around me, some of the shards piercing my soul. Pain inside and pain outside, no nonsense sentinels alerting me to the toxic waters I was swimming in, endangering my soul.

If it weren't for the pain, I would have conformed. I might have fit in. But I never would have been happy. I would have lost my soul and missed out on the magical life you and I are designed to live… a life of abundance and joy.

My break up with normal began with a simple offering. I don't believe in a "sinner's prayer" anymore, unless it's something authentic and not part of a 5-step program to salvation that ultimately results in spiritual conformity to mediocre living. If it weren't for the pain, I'd be there still. Instead, I placed my life on the altar and allowed God to kill me, that part 'me' that was struggling to fit in with the world, even while functioning as a professiona leader inside the church walls.    Read More!

Dream parables that have re-shaped and re-created my life, as I apply the lessons.

"Indeed God speaks once, Or twice, yet no one notices it. "In a dream, a vision of the night, When sound sleep falls on men, While they slumber in their beds, Then He opens the ears of men, And seals their instruction,… Job 33:15

I've been recording my dreams ever since I was a little girl. Like parables, each dream has it's own life lesson. Recently I've begun stringing them together into a story, each chapter like the piece of a puzzle, that when complete is a map showing the journey of one woman's escape to freedom.

We don't need any more victims in this world. Survivors we have aplenty, too. What the world needs more of, are overcomers… mighty men and women who are masters of storytelling. In telling our stories, we co-create our world, with God. Our stories shape our future, so how we tell our stories determines the course of our lives and our children's lives.   Read More!

 

Choosing love today,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor –  to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can get a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.

Copyright 2013, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references.  For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.