Creating Beauty out of Darkness & Despair
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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Note from the Future: "Cross to Glory" is the name of the bead work in the photo. As my hand beaded a flowering vine, transforming the bonds that tied Christ to the cross into something redemptive, the nails into brilliant morning stars… With each bead sewn my heart began to beat to a new rhythm, the rhythm of Hope, Faith, and Love.
You don't need to bead to find this rhythm of hope, but maybe photography, poetry, prose, pecking keys to compose a blog… all the negative energy a sociopath directs at us – all of it needs to be transformed, through art, into something beautiful, I believe with all my heart!
January 5, 2012
D called me today, a Lakota woman from Chicago, who R was incessantly hitting on. She refused his attention but he hasn't quit. Today she wrote me that he called her and sounded drunk, telling her since she wouldn't marry him that he was going to marry M. He tried to pin his sadness on her, as if she were to blame! Even while engaged to M he is still out hunting for his next prey. Oh God, forgive him.
My body just kind of quit this week, with all the stress of moving and everything, I got very sick. This family has been treating me like their only child, so loving and kind! It feels so good to be protected.
The Messianic Jew who visited here this past weekend is covering me in prayer always. He senses when something is about to happen and stops it, through prayer. The conversations we've had are meaty and fill my soul with good things to meditate on for weeks and months and years.
I've never been loved this tenderly by people I've only just met…. they treat me like a fragile child, so delicately. They are Vietnam, IDF and Desert Storm vets, well familiar with PTSD… they have overcome so much, and now live to help others overcome evil.
They surround me like a fortress of love and I find my spirit is singing again… I missed that.
I shall always remember these days, this rescue, with gratitude to God.
It's what I've yearned for all my life, ever since I was child. I feel so, so, so safe here. And my mom is glad… she wants me to stay in the house, not my camper, but for now I'm back and forth between both. They are giving me the guest room to sleep and write in.
I can close the book now… and create a new life.
I wish you all the same blessings… peace, security, unconditional love, joy… and more!
Happy New Year!
Note from the Future: A new adventure was just around the corner; I didn't know it then. I was much more exhausted than I realized and in dire need of an extended vacation. God had one planned for me, but it came in a very unexpected way…
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Susan,
In 2012,a family offered you a roof over your head.I wish that would happen to me.On a blog,free survivors told me my expectation are too high,that nobody has any obligation to offer me their home temporarily.Yet,i think that true friends ought to do that and be there for me in my worst moment,not after the escape.They said i have to find my own freedom,especially if i don't have the money to pay rent in a friend's home.Do you think friendship depends on how much money i have to pay for being a temporary guest in a FRIEND's house?
Hi Laura,
Whenever I have stayed with someone I have paid my way, whether rent or buying groceries, etc. With the Lakota family, I paid rent and I also slept in my own camper that I purchased for $800. I worked as many hours as my employer would give me. We ate out of garbage dumpsters. I had my own transportation and did not depend on them for anything other than a place to park and shower. They wanted me to be at the family dinner table because of they were incredible hosts, but I could also have chosen to prepare meals in my own camper. So it was a healthy balance and I had independence mixed with protection and fellowship.
I did household chores, cleaning mainly, in exchange for laundry and shower privileges. It was not expected – I just did it.
We had a mutually agreed upon rent amount, which was low enough that I’m sure it all went for utilities, as heating a camper in winter is expensive.
That’s just my story, and my circumstances were probably different than yours are today. That was a turning point for me, though… it was my first sense of feeling “safe”.
The bottom line, for me, was learning to trust God with my basic level needs for shelter, food, transportation, etc. I was blessed, I believe, by God Himself – who chose to use strangers most of the time.
God told us to help each other unconditionally,no strings attached.Even if you had no money to contribute,nobody would have had the right to kick you out and to reject you.If i were free,i'd host victims at no cost.In the bible,Jesus says that he was hungry and nobody fed him.He referred exactly to people who expect money in return.In my opinion,our true reward is in the afterlife,in heaven.Those who choose money have already got their reward here on earth.
Every situation and family is unique. I love how the Jewish people – in ancient times, at least – were all about opening their homes to the widows and orphans, the strangers and aliens. I wonder what our world would look like if we truly lived James chapter one and 1 Corinthians 13.
In ancient Israel the Sabbath was a time of feasting, of resting, and of sharing. Every child grew up in the tradition of inviting friends and strangers to their home. An extended family is strong enough to support the “extras’.
I’m not sure what Romania is like, but here where I live it’s a place of poverty. Many families are overcrowded as it is and they have no ability to support extra people.
We’ve broken the backbone of society – the family – and my prayers are for us to return to those ancient paths – where the family is truly the backbone of society, not insitutions or programs or government. I believe that is where we will see a real change. I believe this way of life, the world as we know it, is coming to an end… and we will become the change we wish to see. I hope I will live long enough to see it, but in the meantime, I will do my best to live it.
There truly are some people who are weaker than I was, who cannot go out and work and support themselves, even partially. I speak with women every day who are in various ways escaping from sociopathic abuse, and each one is finding her own path to walk. Starting new is never easy.