My Shadow Life: Single Woman in a Man's World
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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November 6, 2011
Life in the world… surrounded by wolves, it feels like. The following is a post that doesn't have anything to do with marriage… but as a newly single woman out in the world it seems like the same principles we are learning to deal with in our marriages applies to the marketplace…
It's a man's world, it seems.
I went to work yesterday even though I was sick… my job duties include checking guests in and out of a major chain hotel, doing all the laundry for 52-rooms, housekeeping, accounting and filing, pool maintenance, and last night we had a snow storm, so shoveling snow, too. We aren't allowed to wear anything on top of our uniform, which is a short-sleeve shirt.
So I'm getting very wet in the snow storm shoveling the parking lot. (There is no snow blower.) It's one of the those nights when as soon as you make progress more snow immediately covers the parts you just shoveled!
So I'm sick, feverish, and I'm shoveling snow in short-sleeves, getting very wet. I text my boss and ask him if I can please wear a sweater. I mention that I've got a fever and am chilled to the bone, wet and damp. He sends me a text message back: No!
So I go back into the hotel, into the copy room to get warm but I can't stop shivering from fever… and I keep looking at my sweater hanging on the back of my chair and wondering, what would it hurt to wear my sweater on such a stormy night?
I began imagining how warm I would feel wearing that sweater… but I was obedient. I obeyed the rules and didn't put my sweater on. We are under 24-7 video and audio surveillance, so even though I work alone as the sole employee from 3-11, I am always being watched. I could have lost my job for wearing a sweater on top of my employee shirt that was soaked with wet snow.
I'm pretty sure I got sick as a result of helping a guest plug in their truck while outdoors on a very cold night with heavy winds, in my short-sleeve soaked to the skin uniform.
The man who comes in to work the 11-7 shift, replacing me, is nearly always late. We are supposed to clock in and out simultaneously. So I am clocking out 15-20 minutes later than my shift closing, because I can't leave the hotel until my relief arrives.
Yesterday my boss calls me into his office to reprimand me for clocking out late! I get a long speech about how I should have my work done sooner! Finally he allows me a word to speak in my defense… and I tell him that night shift has been arriving late. He looks down and says, "Well, I just want you to be a team player. We're in the slowest time of the year and I really need your cooperation."
Note from the future: Oh yeah, he looked down because he was embarrassed – the video cameras recorded the night shift arriving late every night and he couldn't afford to lose this best night shift man – who was also a sex offender, former prison inmade, who would have trouble finding work elsewhere – and who could be easily manipulated into working as a slave for the boss at his house and other businesses he owned. Oh yes, I was the expendable one!
So night shift has been complaining that he is losing pay because he clocks in late. He blames the women who work the 3-11 shift, telling the boss that we are clocking out late and not getting our jobs done on time.
In reality, I not only get my job done but I also complete 70-90% of the night shift man's chores, as well!
The message being conveyed by these men (boss and night shift) is that someone has to take the blame; let it be the women.
It doesn't do any good to complain about this. What am I doing to contribute to this exploitation in the marketplace? I can see in my own heart that I have still yet to overcome a victim mentality.
I'm so good at being the lamb led quietly to slaughter. Not so good at being wise as a serpent.
Even as I enabled my husband's bad habits, I wonder if I am enabling abusers in general… simply by not speaking up. I have been content to live a shadow life!
If I were to see myself today, as another woman and not simply myself, sitting there wet, cold, and shivering, what would I do? This woman has the flu and is feverish. She has just been scolded for something she didn't do… and she was just told she was not allowed to wear her sweater, even though she was chilled to the bone. It was a raw, wintery Wyoming night and everyone was in a hurry to get in out of the cold. She was not allowed to wear a coat, let alone a sweater, while shoveling the wet, heavy snow.
First I would put my arms around her and just hold her till she stopped shaking. I would make some hot tea and put some Theraflu in it. And I would tell her it's okay to wear a sweater and if she gets fired for it, then there will be something better around the corner for her. And I would warn her about the wolves and tell her to carry her weapon… Truth. And sometimes it means speaking that Truth publicly.
Maybe there would be less exploitation in the marketplace if more people spoke up!
Note from the future: That is why I write… because I'm changing my mindset, I'm rewriting my future, and I hope that my words will shine Light into a dark world. No more "shadow girl" – I will not be silent, invisible, or treated as inferior to males any longer!
When we share our stories, we finally get to speak our Truth! But is anyone listening, really listening? The events of this story are happening every day, right in front of you! Wherever minimum wage workers are, this type of work environment exists.
What would Jesus do? When you walk into a hotel such as this – all bright and shining, modern and beautiful, and you see the only employee working her shift… and you notice she is doing customer service, laundry, maintenance, cooking, and bookkeeping and everything in between… do you look away, do you notice her, do you find out her name?
Many people noticed and commented that I was working alone and had no breaks. Even when it wasn't winter and we were in full-house season every night I still worked alone. It was inhuman.
You probably know how long the hotel corridors of a 52-room hotel are… can you imagine vacuuming them while handling the busy phone, taking registrations, checking people in, and doing laundry all at the same time? 52 rooms of laundry, and each room has 2-3 beds… just the laundry alone would be a full-time job! You run as fast as you can. There is no elevator so you dash up and down stairs. You ruin your knees. And does anyone care?
There were no other jobs available… the whole town was run that way. There was no escape. My truck was broken down.
Very few noticed, but some did. Most people just complained that I was not fast enough. I don't think they really believed one person was handling the whole entire hotel, and that was the daily nightmare. What would Jesus do?
I think Jesus appeared to me as "Deacon" that year, in a story I share here.
The Sturgis ® Motorcycle Rally makes me recall one of the many bikers, called "The Deacon". I used to work at a hotel in one of the fabulous tourist destinations in Wyoming, and one evening the Deacon, as he called himself, stopped to chat with me at the front desk. Our 52-room hotel filled up well in advance during Rally season, as we called it, and we had a full house nearly every day. I was turning away walk-in guests right and left, who sometimes could be quite rude because they were upset all of the hotels were full… and they would have to travel for many hours to find a hotel with an available room.
The Deacon was hanging around, watching me answer the phone, check guests in, do all of the hotel laundry, perform all customer service and custodial work… and at the end of the day, I did the nightly audit and other bookeeping chores.
The Deacon liked to study people, I guess, and I was his subject of growing concern.
He said to me, "You're the only person working here?" I replied, "Yes, I'm the only one working the 3 to midnight shift." He asked, "How do you get breaks?" I answered, "If it gets quiet, then I'm allowed to use the bathroom, but I have to take the phone with me and do customer service, even in the bathroom."
The Deacon's eyes grew soft and watery. His head tilted as he tugged at his long, grizzled beard. "How often does it quiet around here?" "This is about as quiet as it gets. I haven't had time to eat in several days," I replied while dusting the counter and shelves. The Deacon smiled and shook his gentle head and waved good-bye as he returned to his room on the first floor.
You learn a lot about people when you work customer service at a busy hotel. You meet people from all over the world, and sometimes you remember them. I remember all kinds of people, but the Deacon is one of my favorites. When I arrived at work the following day, he had already checked out and moved on, but he left a note for me. My boss handed it to me in person. It said: "Please tell Susan how much I appreciated her going above and beyond the call of duty to meet my needs during my stay here. I enjoyed myself very much and I will stay again!"
It was a Jesus-touch that I remember to this very day!
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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"Your silence gives consent."
—Plato
"The failure to condemn an activity is indeed, an offer of tacit approval. All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing.”
—First quoted by the philosopher Edmund Burke (1729-1797) & later by Herman Goering (1893-1946)(Hitler's Commander-in-Chief of the Luftwaffe & in the early years of WW2 second in command of the Third Reich).
"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of evil people, but because ordinary people do nothing about it.”
—Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
As I worked at that hotel, I often dreamed of how I might make a change in my own life, to be more observant of businesses in the marketplace, how they treat their employees…
I want to put my money into businesses that support their employees and treat them well, as much as I can. That means getting involved, at least at the local level. It means getting to know business owners, listening to the employees, looking in their eyes.
Maybe we can't do much, on that very day, but if we an employee looking like they are harrassed, maybe we can give them an extra generous tip!
Maybe we can give them a small gift. A hug, A word of gratitude. A smile.
All of the above were given to me at various time, by some of the most unexpected people… and I remember each and every expression of love and I bless those people to this very day!
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