A Most Dangerous Man
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
A journal entry from 4 years ago….
Note from the future: When you walk into the woods, you carry pepper spray, bear spray, or even something to stop the predators. We don't stop to think that the worst predators are drawn to churches and other "safe" places in our communities. The most dangerous predators are two-legged men who hate women but wear a charming mask that portrays them as lovable, benevolent, and kind.
Such was the man I married and trusted my children with…
August 17, 2011
It's one thing when a husband beats a wife, putting bruises on her body… it's another thing when there are no external bruises, but the heart is a bloody mess and no one sees the pain inside.
The worst part, is that he is so close and in a perverse twist in my own heart, I desperately want to go see him. Even my daughter's words, "R says he's not angry at all" causes me to hope that maybe we could get back together, somehow. But I've already done this too many times to realize it will only rip and tear… for he is lying and conniving.
If only I could believe what he tells others, even my own family!
I'm afraid this part of my heart, the part that still hopes and yearns for restoration, will call him to see if we can meet. I truly have deep compassion for him. I would really like him to know that my love is real and pure, not what he believes me to be.
Note from the future: Victims of sociopathic abuse have a chemical reaction in their brain that causes them to be drawn back to the abuser. It's a trauamtic bond that is neurological in nature. Understanding this scientific fact can help a victim to discover she is not "in love" with her abuser and can help her to detox from the pathological relationship sooner rather than later.
Knowledge is power, like a fresh stream running down the mountain…
He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. – Psalm 23
This photo was taken when my daughter, granddaughter, and I went hiking in Sinks Canyon.
My marriage counselor writes: He is the scariest man that we have ever met in over 7 years of full time marriage ministry.
His rage, resulting from his mother son issues and aimed at you when he is in relationship with you is scary. Psychotic is the only word that comes to mind when I think of him. Please. Forget he exists. God has a plan for you. God takes care of His girls.
Later…
We met at the post office and my granddaughter invited him to come to the playground with us…
R was not repentant of anything today…. but he sounded like he was open to wanting a relationship again. I repented of several things and he listened quietly… he seemed to not want to leave.
My heart strings are so strong for this area…. I put down roots here like I've never put roots down before…. and I've given everything to R. His main complaint is that I attempted to 'ruin his character' by sharing with my pastors, you guys, and ministry leaders in our network about our marriage difficulties.
Note from the future: Nothing will make a narcissist or sociopath angrier than revealing their true nature, even through appropriate channels, such as church leaders, counselors, and therapists.
I still love him…. we went through so much together. It's very confusing…
What do you do with all the love??? Love is like a river… it must flow.
R__ said the only mistake he made is not killing our marriage counselor at the marriage intensive. He calls that week a "set up" because I was in communication with you before we arrived and he felt he was set up as an abuser before he had a chance to prove he wasn't. As I write this I realize his heart has not changed at all.
What do you do with the love?
My kids adore R… my granddaughter worships him.
I have not shared any details with them about R. My son knows a little but still loves R.
R is so loveable!
The international ministry leaders invited him to spend a month ministering with them. People give him jobs and even a house. Everyone loves R.
That is part of what is so confusing to me….
I'm learning so much about marriage and what abuse is…..
I want what Kimberly and Josh have….
But I've loved R through thick and thin… spinal cord injury, narcotic addiction, and so much more…. we endured so much together.
Maybe I'm sick…. but I asked to hug him today and he gave me a one-armed hug.
My daughter won't be out of the hospital until Friday, so there are 2 more days of sharing this little town with R.
It makes it so much harder to put him out of my mind when he's so close!
What do you do with the love…… I still love him…. and even that surprises and puzzles me.
If we don't learn to discern Good from Evil, who will be there to help our children process to grief?
J___ writesl: Egads. Don't ever do this again.
Please, we beg you AGAIN…. FLEE. RUN. HIDE.
I have felt like you are going to end up dead and that feeling is still with me.. if you do not run, hide and NEVER speak to this man again.
RUN. HIDE. PLEASE.
Give God the "love". It is not God's love. It is a sick love. You are correct in that. There is something in you that needs healed so you won't be drawn to this man like a gnat to a flame.
Note from the future: Without a basic foundation of knowledge in pathological love relationships, we are raising generations of dysfunction! I have escaped, and I'm doing my best to help my children and grandchildren, but let me just say this – without the knowledge these counselors provided me, I would be dead… no doubt about that!
Love is a River. It's source is from Heaven above. Sick love is from below; it's source is Fear, Insecurity, and being afraid to be Alone.
C__ writes: Everybody loves R but he is a fake a fraud a snake oil salesman. can God cure him? God can do anything. But R must repent to YOU not the other way around. THAT is the truth!
Kingsbride, you MUST build up your inner strength, in Christ, and RESIST the wiliness of the snake oil salesman.
Here is a quote from http://www.biblegate…f-bible-themes:
Satan’s character is deceitful, devious and cunning as in a variety of guises he seeks to influence people for his own ends. Does this remind you of anybody, Kingsbride? Someone whose behavior could be described the same way?
Father God, we speak protection for Kingsbride from the wiles of this man who does NOT love her. This man who, in reality, hates her! We speak protection for her family too, through the covering of the Blood of Jesus over them all. God I ask that the Holy Spirit will enlighten Kingsbride to see this man with a clear vision and cause her to KNOW in her heart what she must do. In the Name of Jesus!
Kingsbride, when you protect yourself from R you are, in the long run, doing R a favour. He cannot be saved from himself as long as you coddle him in any way.
You can do this! You're a daughter of the Most High!
F__ writes: My dear friend, love looks different than what you described as your last contact with R. That is not love, that is relationship addiction. When a man is as rebellious and hurtful to his wife and your husband, without repentance, then tough love must kick in.
What you did by your conversation demonstrated to him that you are still on the hook, and that he can control you further, if he wants. He demonstrated that he does not want to be in relationship with you by his chilly response to your 'confession' of your failings. He also was hurtful in what he identified as his ONE mistake. He so obviously has a mountain of mistakes that he refuses to acknowledge, since he is a man of gigantic pride.
God HATES pride. It is the original sin, committed by Satan, the deceiver, and it definitely cannot coexist within a Christlike minister. Pride eliminates the opportunity for hearing the heart of God, until He uses severe circumstances to break the prideful person who refuses to humble themselves.
Please, don't interfere with the natural consequences that God is trying to bring bear on R to create the crisis which might lead to his True Repentance. He still gets to choose his path, but please don't be a hindrance through your neediness for his affirmation. That is not a helpmeet, let alone a loving sister in Christ.
This might not be easy to hear, but pursuing a continuing relationship is about you getting what you want, whether it is in the prompting of the Spirit of not. If you love R, let him go and let God work in his life. Then you can sit with the Lord in your pain, and receive of His comfort in your losses.
Note from the future: It's very uncomfortable sharing this with you. It's like I am standing before you naked. I am not ashamed, for I know that in publishing this some souls will be saved. And it's for them that I write.
Just as I wouldn't send my daughters out for a walk in the forest without bear spray, I want everyone to be equipped and prepared for "a most dangerous man" – which is any man who preaches and talks about God but who is a demon behind closed doors.
Some people say, "We don't know who is right and who is wrong, so we'll just stay out of it." NO! NO! NO! Please don't stay away! With a little bit of education, you will have discernment – the red flag will pop out at you and you will see more clearly!
Please don't judge someone like me. You have no idea the years and years of psychological torture it took to push me this far down. When you see a victim like me, please use words like these counselors have used. Be gentle. Be patient. It takes time for us to detox from sociopathic abuse. Thanks!
Background: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I had been married to a sociopath, twice.. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and this is number 28.
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With all my love,
Sue
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