Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – "Living on the Wild Side"
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
In the Series "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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November 3, 2010
My husband is very unique… has always lived on the wild side. (Rodeo clown, firefighter, Motocross racer, Hazmat, etc) His training has been complex (high school dropout, no GED) but yet he's had all the firefighting and paramedic training, including FEMA, clean up of hazardous materials, and a whole lot of certification I can't comprehend, including federal emergency response training … by nature and by training he's built for danger, risk, and heavy adrenaline charges.
Note from the future: One of the characteristics of a sociopath is the need for adrenaline, the need to be busy and one the go, taking risks and thriving in danger. It's not all bad, but they are like fish out of water if deprived of thrills and action.)
When he and I were working together in hazmat (hazardous materials cleanup) I admired him greatly for his ability to think while running, to handle emergencies calmly and precisely, and to generally know what to do at all times, no matter the risk.
That's the man who died in the spinal injury and this other man has been trying to live in his body since then... a very angry man who hasn't felt like he fits in anywhere we've been in the past few years.
So he went out of state this week to take care of family business back home, and while there, he interviewed at a place that teaches Eskimos how to operate heavy machinery and to become independent contractors, starting their own companies. They are interested in my husband because of his background and expertise.
It is a perfect fit for someone like him, but it requires being gone for months at a time, as they specialize in sending their operators to all the natural disasters around the world. It's a fed govt project. Can you believe they are set up in a private school right next to our family farm, located in a very rural mountainous area where the population is mostly deer and elk? What are the odds of that…
So here's the catch: Although there will be times when he will work right next door to our farm (literally it's a half-mile away from our yard, just over a creek)… but when natural disaster calls, he will be 'deployed' for months at a time. In the past, I have worked hazmat with him, just so we could be together… but truthfully, although I did a good job and was applauded by the Conoco-Phillips executives for my operating skills, I'm just not as "geared up" for heavy duty machine operation as my husband is!
I'm okay with moving back to the family farm, and I'm okay with him being gone without me … most of all, I want my old husband back, the first guy…. not the angry one who invaded his body after the accident…
The way I look at it, is I would rather have my husband happy and doing what he's created to do and only see him a little bit out of the year… than to have the angry impostor who is home every day.
Because of the way he is built, my husband would likely not ever be happy with a "regular" job or a "normal" life. All he's ever known since a little boy is the extraordinary opportunities of a lifestyle in the mountains, including bull-fighting, bull-riding, motorcycle racing, firefighting, etc.
The beauty of my husband can best be seen in times of disaster or severe risk and danger. That's when he shines.
This is the first time I have sensed "life" in his voice… it was like 'ministry' was SOMETHING he could do, but THIS is something that he's built to do. I just want my husband to be alive, fully alive…. it's almost like it's better for him to be alive and gone, than to be dead and present…. but this doesn't necessarily help our marriage unless there are significant "home base" times when he is working next door to the farm.
Thanks for advice and suggestions….
s
Response:
Kathy: He needs a job for now, right? No ministry – and needs something close to home so you can interact daily and work on the marriage.
So why doesn't he take the job for now, do the work that is close to home.. and keep the job until they want him to go for "months" on end. If they were to send him somewhere for one month maybe.. you all could live with that.. but if it were going to be five months or something, he could just decline.
So if he will agree to decline or even quit if he is called upon to go out for too long.. and YOU get to make that call, then why not go ahead and get started with the local work they have at the local place?
You must impress upon him that the most important thing is your marriage and that he must be willing to continue on the calls a couple times a week and reading books and watching DVD's and 20 hugs, smiles and kisses (ten a day on days he works out of the home) and being sweet, loving, gentle, kind..) and if he does not do these things, then the job ends!
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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Note from the future…
He didn't take the job. Ministry leader convinced him to remain in ministry… the platforms and stages of life can force a person to wear a thousand masks to cover up their insecurities and fears.
We both felt such hope when this job opened – it was a like a miracle.
The ranch owners – remember them? The one who "counseled" me for 3 hours? They had another meeting with me, where they scolded me for wanting to send my husband away. They were appalled I would consider this job!
Well, I wasn't the one who looked for it and found it and presented it to me! It was my husband who found it and was excited about it, and I joined him in his enthusiasm!
The ministry leaders won.
Religion versus Reality.
Money versus Hope.
Greed versus Love.
Sometimes the bad guys win a few rounds, but Love always wins. Two mercies for every woe.
I sometimes wish we could go backward and change things, but if we did, we wouldn't learn what the trial was put there for. There is provision in every problem. We grow from these experiences.
My eyes are wide open now, and I'm deeply grateful for that!
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