Crying on the Inside

Crying on the Inside

By: Susan Schiller

From the series "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"

It's darkest just before dawn. The prerequisite for a miracle is to be up against a wall with no way out! This is a story of one of God's miracles in my life.

From my diary, dated May 22, 1989…

“I’m totally burned out. Nobody seems to understand or care, at church. Just to hear someone say: ‘How are you?’ and really mean it…. At church we see each other in our Sunday best, we smile and say nice things. How many other people are crying on the inside?”

I wrote this after attending a women’s seminar in church, where the guest speaker encouraged wives to “remain silent” and to endure their husband’s behavior, even if it was abusive, using the gifts of the Spirit called “long suffering” and "patience". We were told never to “tell on” our husbands, but instead to keep our private lives secret. I didn't know it then, but our church was acting like a cult.

For some of us, our silence became sin. Instead of creating peace, it made things worse. I had vivid dreams, every night, that robbed me of precious sleep and rest.

"Nightmares every night. Vivid dreams of being chased, beaten, and just barely being able to protect my children, who are babies. The beatings are all too real. I keep trying to protect my vital organs and prefer the puncture wounds of my attacker to the damage the enemy is doing to my muscles and nerves. At one point, I am attacked by a shark, when all of the sudden a dolphin arrives on the scene and I ride its back to safety."

In my diary I continued writing, "Maybe these nightmares are a result of submitting to injustice." I was beginning to connect the dots but I didn't know how to stop the abuse. My physical body was bearing the marks of the daily psychological abuse, just as in my dreams the repeated shark attacks punctured and ripped my body. My muscles and nerves hurt so much there were days I could barely stretch my arms to pin cloth diapers to the clothes line and yet I had three children, ages five and under, who depended on me as their mommy.

My husband tormented me by saying he had ways to hurt me that no one would ever see, hear, or believe. I felt helpless to break my silence even if someone had truly wanted to know how I was feeling. I had no physical bruises or broken bones. All my pain was coiled up inside, like a serpent with poison fangs.

I enabled the abuse. What our church taught us about the duty to suffer patiently and silently is wrong. It destroys families from the inside. The family is the backbone of society, so in my own way I was a silent accomplice to the destruction of my own family. Thank God for grace and mercy!

I believe the dolphin in this dream symbolizes the Holy Spirit who is our comforter, our helper, and our guide to the Truth. Today I ask Papa God to give me His Holy Spirit to speak to the woman who is crying inside; indeed, who is dying inside. The wounded part of our heart needs truth spoken in love so that we can recover our souls and live the full life Jesus promises for all of us.

Dear heart,

You have the heart of a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper. Peacekeepers will do or say anything just to keep the surface waters calm. No real change happens when peacekeepers are at work, it only gets worse.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. ~ Matthew 5:9

Peacemakers are warriors. Peacemakers confront evil. They do not cover up sin, but rather, they expose evil.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ~ Ephesians 5:11

You were taught the tools of cover up, dear heart. When you accepted the lie, by telling yourself: I need to yield and submit myself to injustice, like Jesus did, when he was spit upon, wounded, and hung upon the Cross," you opened the door for the enemy's attacks to increase. You were destroyed for lack of knowledge.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge… ~ Hosea 4:6

Dear heart,

The enemy says, "You've made your bed; now lie in it." You've taken on toxic shame and guilt, and now more than 30-years later, your body hurts all over. You came into agreement with the lie and this lie has brought an endless cycle of pain and suffering.

I say to you, "I've come to give you life… more life and a better life than you can dream of. Today. Now. Here. If you will give me permission, I will remove the fear whose tentacles of shame and guilt clutch your heart. You are not who they say you are. You are my little girl, my royal child, a princess warrior at heart."

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. ~ John 10:10

A few months ago, a friend and mentor sent me these words she heard from Papa God as she was praying for me. I'm sharing them with you, because God does not play favorites and what He says and does for me, He will do for you, too:

"Susan, the Lord is making a better way for you. You have seen your last of dread of and the excruciating pain of this ordeal. God is proclaiming a new day over your life. The Lord is coming in like a flood to drown your enemies, even as God did at the Red Sea. The horses and chariots of man cannot withstand the resurrection power of God. God will open that way through the "sea'.

God is unleashing that mighty power against all manner of the enemy's devices, schemes, and plans. He is delivering you out of every trouble and out of the pit the enemy thought he prepared for you, and the pit you thought you would have to stay in.

You may, at first, feel "shock" but that shock will turn into "awe" of God and His wonders permitted and loosed to you. This is the key of His kingdom: That He looses from heaven to earth His own will concerning you. You will regain your bearings and realize you are right in the middle of a miracle.

Remember when the Israelites passed through all night long. They felt afraid as the walls of water surrounded them. But what seemed like fear was actually a MIRACLE in their midst.

Look up, your salvation draws nigh. Even as Moses declared, "Do not be afraid, for His salvation shall pass right before your very eyes!!!

You are loved and the Lord has promised from long ago that He would not only go before you but He would always be your rear guard as His angels come up around you to flank you about from behind. In Jesus' name. Amen."

My beloved reader,

No one needs to suffer in silence. You are never alone. There are godly, biblical ways to deal with abuse. I'll leave that for my friend (also an attorney and pastor), Jim Wright, to light the path on that subject.

God wants you and me to experience a rich and satisfying life, right here and now. It begins with how we see God and how we see ourselves. We must become fearless if we are to fulfill our destiny.

As for me, I took the words God gave me and I printed them, posting them prominently in my kitchen. I read them out loud, sometimes several times a day. And the words manifested in my circumstances, changing my world. 

God's word has creative power!

This is simply my own story. I share it so that one day, even in my own generation, there will be no more abuse.

With His hand in mine, I become His Heart Scribe,

Sue

Susan Schiller is passionate about "immunizing" young women and teens against abuse. She knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming book, "Journey to Freedom: Abused No More," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she navigated her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor –  to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, or hanging out with her family and friends in the mountains of Montana. Hiking, canoeing, and camping are her outdoor passions and baking homemade bread and drinking minty Kombucha tea are her favorite indoor pleasures. You can get a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "Journey to Freedom: Abused No More" and a complimentary devotional series, "Love from Papa" Volume 1 by registering here. It's time to get your life back!

Copyright 2012, Susan McKenzie, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com.  For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.

Tagged as: "Love from Papa" Series, Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Dreams that Shape A Legacy, Turning Pain to Gain