How Changing My Thoughts Changed Me

Hi, and thank you Susan, for once again, all you are, and all you are doing.  I guess that the part of being an overcomer, and just being, is a way of life for me, from birth, really.  I do it for survival, and I do it to refuse to let the opressors seem to win, even though as I find me more, I see how that type of person does not have much depth to them at all.  That part baffles me, in a way, as male, female, young, old, how the power that they have can be so toxic, yet at the same time, they are not people of depth, or is that , again, perception, or does it vary in the degree the person is in their stage, or tier , whatever it is, that they have.  I remember reading once, not sure where, that Hitler is one of the extreme versions of this type of monster.  I use to hate to see anything about him, and what he did, when I was a child, and as now, even then, perception was, and is a thing that , as I get older helps me to get it straight, if there is such a thing, maybe with me, myself, but I am pretty sure, that with these people, there is nothing that is constant, please, any of you that read anything that you know helps, direct, or correct or inform me, of any constants, that I can look for, it is healing to know that we all care about each other.  I also have this thing, that I feel they put themselves up higher than anyone, in order to feel superior in their heads, and they are so screwed up, that it is almost funny, now to me, at times, but at others, I can feel righteous anger, that I know is truly righteous, welling up inside me.  A friend told me of the last , worst creep, that she introduced me to, asking about me, and my kids, not long ago, and I did keep my mouth shut, but it was all I could do , to not say, you tell him, to never ask about me, or my family again, to not look to see what cars are in my house, and to not mention my name, ever, or I will call my friend that is a cop, and have him arrested for total harassment.  Then, I called my youngest child, and told her to never ingage with him, if he would try to ever talk with her, about anything, anywhere, anytime.  She called later, and said Mom, I know, you taught me, how to avoid people my age, are you ok, you taught me about a guy I work with, I got your "rant", I know, I get it.  By then, I thought, yep, she did get it, and I told her, if I went through all this stuff, to help you not to, it was worth it.  I wish I knew this when I was your age, but probably would not have known unless I went through exactly every second of the learning phase, which hopefully will keep me aware not to be tricked again.  I went to a public place, a hair salon, not too long ago, and I caught myself being different, Yay:)  I saw a man , about my age, walk in, and at one time, I would have smiled, said hi, and I thought, nope, no more, not me, not now, not sure ever, at least not til I get this down.  For some reason, that alone, along with wanting to see the best in people was a pitfall, for me, saying hi, to guys that were creepers, lol.  I also had jobs in my life, I am a hairstylist, by trade, and had to step back from it for a while.  I use to attract guys like that, when I did hair too.  I cared to give excellent haircuts, and cared about people, still do, but I got a few stalkers by doing hair, that made my ex , the worst, and maybe the only real creep, before this last creature, look like the kid next door, growing up, and now that I think about it, one of them was one of these creeps, too.  He became a very abusive husband to a friend of mine, now, actually, the one that introduced me to this last winner.  I see how I attract them, I do, but , yet, I do not want to change to become hard, totally, as I have always been able to help people , kids, elderly, some ladies, by being able to give them insight, somehow, that they could not see.  My ex, not sure if he was so manipulated by his Mom, that he was so damaged himself, or if they were both totally a test , but the good news is , my youngest child is ours together.  She can see things about the other side of her family, but I don't say, yep, that is a real fact, or be mean, as I know God used every second of my time to make me aware, and not give up on Him.  There were times that what I had concrete, was my dog, who pretty much did, and still does, gives me motivation, some times more than others.  I wondered why at the time, that the last evil one was in my home, a bit, the dog seemed to like him.  Now, I know, it was not that at all.  He was right there, all 165, or 170 pounds of him, between me and him, wherever we were when he visited here, and if I would have needed him, he would have been a lethal force against that creep.  The last time he was here, was over a year ago, thank God, and I had enough, totally.  He was saying things that were more screwed up, than I had ever heard in my life from anyone, and I have always known that I could hear and not react to most anything.  I don't call names, hardly ever, but I could hear my voice and I had enough.  I called him, dumb, stupid, and not sure one other name, in about thirty seconds, and realized that the dog, my best friend was outside, and I was not.  I totally shut up, he tried to get me to say more, I did not, I said nothing, and just hushed, and pretty much shut down.  That presence was , as I have heard, and it is true, would make me be exhausted, not feel well, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and definitely like I was trapped, it was different than the trapped when I walked in the back door, when married to the mommas son, or what ever he was, but still not a very easy thing to handle.  When I was in the presence of the last one, I felt like he was trying to corner me, even if I was on the phone, always causing resistance, or in person, almost like a boa constrictor was trying to keep me bound, and more than that, slowly tightening his grip on my life.  When he left, after keeping me at the kitchen table, probably trying to see if he could find a way to keep me forever, he would say, I should leave, but he wouldn't, it was so stupid.  my youngest said later, when he was here, it was weird, and I said it was, but how I did not know it, way sooner is now, so clear, but yet, I have knowledge that I did not have then.  When he would leave, he would say, something, like, Well, I will go and give you your life back for a while, and that hit me, and I would create distance, and each time, I would think, he is nice, it must be me, but he was not nice.  One time, I heard me, say, do you think I am stupid?  It was almost as if I was hypnotized, not good, so exhausted, and I would say, I am so tired, and he would say things like if you keep saying it, you will be tired, what a test!!  Then, I remember telling my son, who was at work, about how I said dumb, stupid, whatever, and he said, Mom, that guy is a neanderthal, not sure what he meant, exactly, but kind of, and he said, you don't call someone stupid, or dumb, especially if they are.  I said, I very rarely call anyone names, and I said, when I was young, and married to your Dad, not the second one, the one that was my man I married for life, he was not a evil guy, but he had lots of evil women, lol, that gave me hard times, and him worse, anyway, I said I use to call your Dad names, lots of them, and they never bothered him.  He said the difference is, my Dad is smart, this guy IS dumb, that is the difference, don't do it again, could you tell he was upset, and I said, yes, and the dog was outside.  He said, Mom, I am sure many women have been in bad situations, and that was what they did, do not, and he repeated it, do not do it again.  I told my youngest, that story, and she tells her friends, that are females, if she learned one thing from her big brother , it is not to call someone that is abusive in any way, any name.  That was the last time the guy was here.  Then he called me on the phone, and again my voice got loud, and he said, his final remarks, to me, he told me that maybe it was me that needed anger management.  I agreed, and said yep, you are right, I do.  I know I don't but why is it, now that when my friend says he asked about you, and saw your car was gone, I want to tell her to tell him how much I hate him, or if not him, who he stands for.  She does not like him, not from what I have said, because I tell her nothing of this, or my research, whatever, she isn't dumb,, but she is finding out that he is a creep, and still when she says things, I want to either shut up, or start to yell.  Does anyone know what that is?  One thing, is I know, or think I do, is that I want her to let him know I don't like him, but he knew that from me, so what is it, other than a test?  I remember when I asked him if he thought if I was stupid, and I was so exhausted, and he said, believe me, you are anything but stupid, so I would hear things, and take mental notes, now I know why, to share them here, and ask you to tell me the answers as well.  Peace, Miriam

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