Caught Between Two Worlds

Caught Between Two Worlds

By: Jennifer

I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, firmly planted, and take care of myself. But it feels like I am in a forest and it is so scary to trust I will be led out at some point. Since leaving my abusers, I am in a very strange place.  It is often a feeling of being in between two worlds. 

I realize living most of my life with narcissists and sociopaths made me pretend what was true wasn't true just to remain functional. I was silent because of fear my abusers would start lying, discrediting me, and make it appear as if I was crazy.

My abusers twisted reality to make it look like my response to their abuse was abusive, crazy, and unstable.

My experience with narcissistic and sociopathic, psychological abuse is the abuser's intention was always to keep my words from getting out. They wanted to hide what they were doing by twisting my reactions to abuse around to claim I had behaved inappropriately and was mistreating them. 

What they wanted most was to squash and invalidate my expression, my spirit, my sense of self worth, by silencing my words and then have it appear as if I was the crazy one with a problem. 

Anything I did to attempt to speak up, defend myself or set boundaries was ridiculed as some sort of misbehavior on my part and used as their proof of how I supposedly mistreated and abused them.  

It's only been within the past 6 months that I actually realized what was happening. Now, I have begun speaking and also feeling it. I am beginning to awaken and see the light. I never really understood why I left the situations and then remained silent and hiding.

I could never fully face the truth that people had actually done the things they did, yet I knew something wasn't right.

I somehow pretended or blocked it out, always feeling something was wrong. I grew up with a father who, through ridicule and invalidation, created an entire atmosphere that caused me to completely shut down.

Anytime I spoke of his abuse or told him to stop he would pretend he was not doing the things he was doing and speak in a way that made it feel as if I was crazy and had some sort of mental problem and would tell me: "Stop being difficult!"

Abuse was normal for me, as it was what I grew up with. I don't remember any time when I felt free to be me. I didn't know anything different, but I always sensed there had to be something more.

I attracted more abusers into my life. About 6 months ago, I had an encounter with a man I had been in a relationship with many years ago who was constantly practicing the technique I now know to be gaslighting. 

I confronted him about a time in the past when he was obviously involved in an infidelity. He had me comfort him for a couple of days, even though he didn't come out and say exactly what it was. Later, he pretended nothing happened and claimed I was "crazy with a jealousy issue" when I attempted to speak with him directly about it. By mocking, ridiculing, and laughing at me, he made it clear if I tell anyone he would make it appear untrue.

His bizarre behavior felt familiar, like how my father had treated me all my life. I realized I had accepted this behavior from others, too.

I would withdraw and remain silent about it, allowing the person to constantly speak and behave this way with me. Everytime I tried to speak my truth, I was shut down through ridicule and humiliation.

My abusers discredited my words, twisting everything around, which made me feel unstable.

The word sociopath came to me, along with psychological abuse, and my journey began to investigate what I had actually gone through, why I have been hiding for so long, incurring debt, not being able to feel strong, clear, safe, open to others and functional. 

This is where I find myself: waking up. It feels important and right for this to be happening. I have to face how my constant state of pretending, in order to survive, left me without the ability to support myself.

I went from the world of abuse to the world of hiding, which for me, means going into debt to pay for my daily needs. 

Waking up means facing what I dread to face. I feel constant fear and constant fear for survival. I wish these feelings where not there. I want to push them away, and then I go right into pretending.  I do not want to pretend anymore.

This is such a strange place to find myself.  I do not know anyone in such a place. I feel this place has to be felt and experienced to be understood.  What I want most is to have this constant feeling of being held back, held down, powerless, and immobilized to release its hold on me.  

I want to regain an inner core of strength, power to keep moving onwards, keep going, blazing through, to be unstoppable.  I want to be part of something where the highest priority is authenticity, truth, integrity and an abuse free zone. 

I feel part of the reason I am here on this planet is to reveal this type of abuse pattern I have experienced many times, to bring relief to those who have experienced it and also as a message to the abusers to stop – this game is not necessary. 

Authenticity is what calls most to me, and deep down I know this is all happening to lead me more deeply into it.

Right now, though, I feel I am standing alone, far away in a deeply wooded forest and it is night time.  Thanks for being available, Sue.  I read your blog writings frequently, I feel so supported by them, I feel seen  by reading them. They are an immense help and support. 

It has helped me to realize what has happened to me and what is currently happening may not feel right or what I am wanting yet it is part of God's plan to bring me into a higher place within myself and to bring to the world what I am here to offer.

Sending you love and appreciation,

Jennifer

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