We are God's princess warriors, not mere survivors of abuse.
by Susan McKenzie
Recently I was warned to be quiet. Threatened and blackmailed into silence. But that's not why I've been quiet for more than a year, neglecting this website and my writing almost entirely! No, it just took some time to stabilize. Like after an earthquake or a tsunami, you take stock of what you have left and what is gone. You heal, repair, and rebuild. And so that's been my life for the past almost 2-years.
My body was full of pain, and in some places a mere whisper of a touch made me scream. But my spirit is getting stronger every day, as I pen these words in my safe place. I cannot be silent, for I know that by breaking my silence the good people around me will be aroused from their slumber. I will scream on behalf of all the other silent victims. I will scream for myself. I will sound the alarm.
Silence empowers darkness. Telling our story, from the position of knowing the Truth, sets captives free. And many times you FIND the Truth as you simply begin to write!
You may call this the diary of a madwoman, for it's true in this series of stories you will come face-to-face with sociopaths dressed up as charming and very gifted church leaders. Psychopaths in the pulpit and in the pews. The world is full of good people but our chronic niceness blinds us to the reality of evil. These blinders of denial prevent us from seeing and hearing what is really happening behind closed doors and right out in the open.
And I was the typical chronic "nice girl" … sometimes sarcastically called "Goody Two-shoes". I wanted to live in a nice world, so I chose to only see the beauty in the lives around me. I grew up in a quiet small town in Midwestern America. We never locked our doors and I grew up in a time, place, and age when it was safe to play outdoors till dark. Television was a relatively new invention. Movies were a special treat. In my little world, evil did not exist except in ghost stories.
My graduating class voted me "Most Shy". And yet here I am sharing the dark night of my soul on a stage that allows the whole world to peek in, if it dares. Scary? No, empowering!
Too many of us crash with the heaving waves, feeling like we're drowning, lost at sea. We live in a world that has a set of rules that some people call "fate" or "Murphy's Law" or whatever… it's a worldly system. It's the kingdom of this world. No wonder we feel out of control, powerless, constantly struggling to survive another day! The victim mentality hides behind poverty, abusive relationships, depression, fear, and anxiety. Agents of darkness abound and exist in all flavors, custom tailored to defeat each of our unique purposes, passions, and destinies!
What kind of life do we have, if we don't know our purpose? If we just drift day in and day out with any tide of circumstances that blows in with the wind called Fate?
We do all the "nice" and "right" things. We serve as volunteers in our churches and communities. We tithe 10% of our income and give generously on top of that! We work long days, home school our children, clean our houses, pay our taxes, and smile. But something is wrong. What happened to the American dream? What happened to our dreams? As we collectively downsize our homes and assets, have we also downsized our dreams and goals? 95% of us have and so we think that abundant life Jesus promised is for the future, or for people who are better than we are. Fear and shame win another round.
What happened to our childlike faith … the primary qualification for entering into the Kingdom of God? What is different about children that can change our lives for the better, and even the world?
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As a child I always suspected "there must be something more!" I desperately sought "the people" who experienced "the more"… and they appeared in my darkest moment!
They showed up in the desert-infested front yard of a 3-bedroom bungalow I was renting in Thermopolis, Wyoming, on New Year's Eve. Two were former Navy Seals, one was ex-Israeli Defense forces, and two were strong Indian princess warriors. With the precise efficiency of combat soldiers whose passion fired hot for "the rescue," they had me packed up and escorted to a nearby private ranch… where I was to see, hear, and experience things that scared me. True freedom is the scariest thing of all, you know…. and they taught me what I had always wanted to know, actually what I already knew but was too programmed to disbelieve: how to be and live free and happy, unafraid.
Father's special forces… the rescue. I had dreamed it long ago, recorded it in my journal, in fact. So when these ex-special forces men showed up at my door, I knew it was my day of final liberation!
In my dream I saw a child of about 7-years of age, crushed beneath the weight of a heavy giant assigned to keep her captive in a dark, secret bunker. Surrounded by malignant evil forces she was not strong enough to escape. One night, while the enemy forces slept, her Father sent in a team of special forces, who forced the enemy to flee and lifted the heavy giant guard off of the little girl. As she nimbly crept out from her dark cell I noticed the dark-haired girl wore a long white dress, but it was transparent enough to see a red rose tattooed on her backside. The girl fled gracefully up, down, and around the enemy bunker's maze of hallways. I felt her confidence; that she knew the way back to her Father's home.
Our dreams tell us much about the journey we are on, this "way home". The child's white dress speaks of "purity" and "innocence". The red rose signifies purity, as well. I was one of those girls who tried and tried to escape the prison of fear, shame, poverty, victim mentality, abuse, divorce, and more… but I needed "special forces".
Some of you reading this need "special forces" too.
"Record your dreams and visions." I never, ever thought I would ever share my journal with anyone, let alone publish it! Please excuse the pink ink and sloppy handwriting!
For right now, It's time for the pain to end. Can mere words make a difference? God spoke the whole world into existence, and the only offensive piece of Armor in Ephesians 6 is "The Word" which is a double-edged sword. In Revelation we defeat evil by the Word of our Testimony and the Blood of the Lamb.
Another journal entry: "I woke up this morning dreaming I was being ruthlessly tortured, both physically and psychologically, just footsteps away from good people. All the good people had gone to their rooms and were sleeping. Their leader was my attacker and after everyone was asleep he took me and was going to have his evil way with me all over again and again. I started to scream for help in that dark place but he covered my mouth and commanded silence. He threatened me that it would be worse for me if I made noise.
Pinning me to the ground he began to torture me, both mind and body, and I was overpowered by his extreme strength. But my spirit was so strong that from somewhere deep inside I found the strength to stab him in the thigh with a weapon I didn't even know I had, and from my prone position I threw him over my head. As his body crashed to the ground I screamed – two blasts – as loudly as I could.
You know, how sometimes in dreams your screams come out in mere squeaks. Or you try to run and it's like you're stuck neck-deep in quicksand? Not in this dream. It was not a silent scream. It took two cries to arouse the good people sleeping all around me.
When they heard my screams they came running… and the evil man was easily overpowered." End of Journal entry.
My pen is my bow and with my words are arrows. I dare to stab this beast who has bound me to silence and throw him over my head, as in the dream recorded here. Anyone who speaks up, even if it's a rant or a rave… if it's recommending a helpful resource… if it's praying for a sister… if it's sharing your story so that others are encouraged…. We are growing in strength, my friends, each time we take a step to reach out to someone else! We are shaking the heavens and it rains blessing down on earth.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. Let's connect again, shall we? Download my gift to you – the "All-in-One" Life Story Book Kit and together we'll explore how to share our stories, without putting blame or shame on anyone in our families. Let's remove the stingers in the memories we all carry… so that we can create a new family legacy for future generations.
Susan McKenzie knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and so much more. Voted "most shy" by her high school classmates, Susan has since learned how to break out of the "victim mentality" mold that her silence enabled. Susan has done extensive research to understand how it could have happened that a "nice girl" whose main pursuit in life was to work toward a happy marriage, a peaceful home, and together with her family and church to help relieve suffering in the world could have ended up in 30-years of pain and suffering.
The surprising answers are shared in her posts, articles, and her book-in-progress. As you venture on this journey with Susan you experience how God shines His most brilliant light in her darkest hours. Today her mission is to provide a voice to women suffering in silence, shining the Light of Truth into the dark places. As you journey with Susan you will witness a true life transformation that will shatter the misinformation and lies commonly fed to women that keep them in false submission.
Join Susan on this journey as she shares with you, step-by-step, how she emerged from the darkness of fear, poverty, and near death to embracing the true riches of health and wealth, creating a living family legacy.
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A few yrs ago I began taking pieces of my journals and then praying, asking Father to speak to that woman of the past. And today I've been reading these old journals, and what I heard Father say to His little girl. Now I know why He wants us to speak up and not be silent, why He wants us to blow our trumpets, even in the face of threats and intimidation.
Here's a little part of my journal, if it may help someone here as well as me: “Last night Steve told me that I should submit to him because he’s the man… Therefore, I will be submitting to someone who tramples over my conscience without even asking God if it’s okay! I can’t sin just because he tells me it’s okay. I don’t know what to do, so I’ll just keep praying.” (Note: Steve was my 1st husband and he was engaged in immoral activities, personally and professionally, as well as abusing me at the time, all while being a deacon.)
Dear Little One,
I want to laugh! Of all the crazy church-teachings and man-made traditions, this one takes the cake! It’s as if the story of Ananias and Sapphira in the book of Acts didn’t exist! During the 1st Church days the new believers were all selling property and possessions in order to give money to the poor. That way all of the believers would have enough and the church elders were in charge of distribution. Ananias and Sapphira thought they would do their part, but instead of giving the whole amount, they withheld a portion for themselves. That wasn’t the sin, though… the sin was in lying.
So, let’s see here… dead husband and dead wife. Sapphira would not have died if she had stood up for the truth and not followed her husband into wrongdoing. Holiness is not selective according to gender.
Little One, when you said, “I don’t know what to do…” I know the confusion that comes when there is no one to talk to who isn’t inside the system. The church supported your husband’s position and taught from the pulpit the same heresy. But your spirit knew the Truth because His Word was written on your heart and His Spirit bore witness to the Word.
You had no one to counsel you, dear one. But you did have the Spirit of Counsel within you. You may want to repent for bending your knee to threats and intimidation in the name of religion, and for aiding and abetting the evil that was allowed to continue. If you had spoken up and fought the intimidation through exposure, it would have been painful but you would have caught it before it grew from little to big.
And so you are doing now, in helping other women to know that they have the same Spirit of God living within them as lives in their Christian husbands. You honor your spouses when regardless of gender you do not do what the other regards as sinful or force your spouse to act in such a way as to bruise their conscience. This is the way of Love, the Master’s Way."
Speaking up, exposing the evil that has invaded our homes, will likely be met with threats and intimidation, but in the Light souls will be saved; perhaps, even the soul of perp.
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