Beware of the Strong Woman

Beware of the strong woman!

By: White Dove

Warning: Trigger alert. Please don't read if you are sensitive to images of family violence.

"I'm ashamed of you! Why can't you have more grace?" said my pastor, after telling him I was divorcing my husband. We were just shy of our 20-year anniversary and the LAST thing I wanted to do was end our marriage and see my family hurt! But the threats were increasing in frequency and suddenly two of my friends were dead and the signs seemed to point to me being the next victim.

There seemed to be no safe place. My husband told me many times, "You haven't done anything wrong. There's just something inside me that wants to hurt you. But don't worry, I've got it under control." I prayed for hours every day. I spoke up to my pastors and asked for help. Years had gone by and it was only getting worse, not better. I tried harder to be strong.

"I've got this picture in my head that won't go away. I've got piano wire in my hands and I'm slicing off your breasts…. (not describing the rest here)… but don't worry, I've got it under control." I tried harder to be strong.

I tried hard to be strong and brave. I BELIEVED that if we worked hard enough and had enough faith that our marriage would be saved – that we would even be stronger than if we hadn't gone through the crises. But the verbal violence escalated. It was only verbal threats, I thought… he would never ACT on his words, would he?

One day we were walking hand-in-hand to the neighborhood park. Suddenly my husband pointed to a large rock alongside the road. "See that rock? Right now I really want to bash in your head! But don't worry, I've got it under control." I tried very hard to be strong.

We were just walking and chatting in a FRIENDLY way, hand-in-hand. Trying to be "normal". Our neighbors, if they saw us, probably thought we were the perfect couple!

Those who know me will tell you I'm very quiet and peaceful. I don't yell. I rarely ever raised my voice. When I'm angry you'll know it because I withdraw. Most people, when angry, choose "flight" or "fight". For me, it's always been "flight".

But it didn't do much good until I learned to take action. Until then, the verbal violence escalated.

"How about if we take a walk to the rock quarries. I have an idea. There's this picture in my head of standing on the edge of the quarry and putting a bullet in the back of your head. I'm watching your body drop into the water below. No one will ever find you there… but don't worry, I won't do that. It's under control." I tried yet harder to be strong.

Women like me always blame ourselves first. We carry a lot of guilt and shame, because we are always trying to "fix" the problem. We have been programmed to believe that WE are the problem!

I will let you peek into my diary… from March 2002.

Daddy, save me. I desire holiness. Come, separate me from my woundedness. I'm wretched, poor, blind, and naked. Oh God, rescue me from the enemy within.

"I'll lift you up, Little One. I've felt your tears. I know all your needs. I feel your pain as if it's My own. Remember, Little One, to come to Me right away. Humble yourself like a child and learn to trust Me with your pain."

Lord, be glorified in my life. I give up my heart to You. Please take it and heal, restore, change – whatever You want to do with it. Please comfort me.

"You love intensely – because of that you hurt intensely. You love to give and you enjoy being needed. You have a mother's heart. I've poured Myself into you – I gave you that heart. I will defend you – I'll defend your honor. I love you passionately."

Daddy, I ask to be able to know Your love to a much greater degree.

"I must go deeper to cleanse your heart, Little One."

Please do it, Daddy.

"Courage, daughter. Do not fear. Help is on the way."

We keep asking ourselves, "Did I love enough?" "Why wasn't my love enough?" "What could I have done better?" "What if I hadn't done this…" "What if I had done this?" The self-doubts are never-ending and futile.

Because the abuser in this type of situation is charismatic, well-loved, usually a dynamic speaker and great storyteller, a person who loves to help people, and a person who is usually highly honored and well respected, the victim is normally not believed. Rather, she is blamed. 

This tactic is so common that the women in support groups frequently exclaim, "We married the same man!"

The victims is confused and lives in a fog. She bravely tries to hold herself together. She intensifies her prayers. She upgrades her search for knowledge and wisdom about relationships and communication. She attends more conferences. She asks and pleads for help.

See the pattern? She's trying to fix the situation by focusing on her own issues. We all have issues to work on, but in relationships like this, the first responsibility of the victim (usually a woman) is to get out, to get help, and then to work on her issues.

Throughout this ordeal friends and family will usually side with the abuser, heaping deeper blame and shame on the victim. Everywhere she turns, she is staring at pointing fingers. How could she not be at fault?

The guilt intensifies! There appears to be no way out even though she cries for help.

The standard responses to her plea for help do more harm than good. This is not a normal person she is related or married to. He is a person most often attracted to places of leadership in churches… usually the kind of person who seeks to marry a GOOD GIRL. He lacks something deep within him, and he feeds off of her until she has nothing left to give.

It confusing to everyone. Sometimes years go by relatively "normal" until a particular stress point is reached and then the abuse begins to occur. There can be cycles where the relationship appears "normal".

Most churches and ministries are not equipped to help this type of couple. Until she finds the right counselor (who are few and far between) the victim will be blamed and shamed, left to hold the broken pieces of her marriage and family.

She will be lucky to escape with her life. She will realize, over time, that she was never loved in the first place. There was a wedding but never a marriage. The enemy only wanted to trap her, to consume her soul.

You are fighting for your soul. Sometimes the enemy is you, yourself. Don't press charges against yourself. When you side with the accuser, you condemn your soul to pain and suffering.

From my diary….

Daddy, I've just run out of gas. My husband drained me dry yesterday. I'm looking for love. I feel like You've deserted me in this desert, even thought it could be much worse. I can't take much more. Oh God, I need comfort, rest, forgiveness, help. I choose to obey Your commandments. I choose to walk in Truth. I choose life. Oh God, I am so lonely and confused.

"I have not hidden Myself from you, as you may think. I know you're tired and alone. You have had no break for a very long time. I want you to soar with me and feel the wind on your face. I want you to  walk in green pastures. My desire for you is to fill you with hope."

Daddy, I'm sorry. Please forgive me – for thinking You are abandoning me. My earthly father did that – and I forgive him again. Lord, please cleanse my heart of all bitterness, fear, resentment. Daddy, why must I suffer so long for my husband's sins? How much longer, God?

"Your need does not escape My attention. Daughter, My will for you is greater than the pain you've endured."

Daddy, I trust You…

My friend, that is the end goal. Trust. Papa's game plan is that we learn to trust Him no matter what, even in the worst of times. Especially in the worst of times. When it's darkest before the dawn. When all hope seems lost.

Don't blame yourself, my friend. No more self-doubts. No regrets.

If you see someone going through this dark valley. Don't let them walk alone. You are the hands and feet of Christ, for He lives in you. Your friend may need intervention and she will likely not ask you. She's too busy being strong for everyone. And she looks strong, sounds strong, acts strong.

Beware of the strong woman. She is acting strong for a reason.

Look deeper. Listen with your heart.

These women a strong! They are principals of Christian schools, singers, worship leaders, bankers, writers, poets, dancers. Some of them own their own businesses. Some of them make 6-figure incomes. Some of them are homemakers and home school teachers. Some of them are homeless.

They love God. Most often, these types of husbands are pastors or elders in church. All the more reason this type of woman will try to be strong. But she's fragile, my dear friend… she's holding a million broken pieces of her heart in her hands, trying to keep it all together. She needs your help.

"My will for you is greater than the pain you've endured," said Papa to me.

God has a plan to bring you to a place of peace, prosperity, and joy… a place where you are loved unconditionally. You are never alone. But you'll need to FLY like an eagle to get to this place! The best place to learn to fly like an eagle is to find some eagles who will teach you how to soar… and it's the winds of adversity blowing in your face that are the same currents that will elevate you higher and higher and higher…. far above the earthly turmoil!

That is why I write. So you can know there are many others who have walked this lonely path. It's an alliance of eagles!

God is with you in your darkest hour. You are never alone. We're going to be together until you get your life back!

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With all my love,

White Dove

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Tagged as: "Love from Papa" Series, Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Handling Toxic Memories, Love from Papa, Real People Real Stories, Unbuckle Your Christianity, Voice of the Bride, Writing a Life Story